Messages from God

Have you ever seen those "quotes from God" billboards along the side of the road? You know, they have some saying some guy made up, and then they attribute it to God. They have these signs on public buses, too. Stuff like

Come to my house
--God

or

I love your ass
--God

            I looked at the fine print on the bottom of one of the bus banners once, and it said "Copyright 2000 Godspeaks, Inc." So I grabbed my partner in crime, Rory, and visited the company's website, which I rightly guessed at Godspeaks.org. Together, we signed onto their bulletin board as "God," a name which I was amazed hadn't yet been taken.
            As God, I offered a few reworkings I'd thought of for existing sayings, but they deleted them off the bulletin board. I did meet a guy whose favorite album, before he discovered Christian rock, used to be Deep Purple's "Machine Head", which is my favorite album, and his favorite track off of it was "Picture of Home," which is my favorite! Unfortunately, this means I'm sentenced to be a Christian rock guy.
            My fate has been sealed, and it's an interesting sensation. Each day I wake up, I think, "Do I like Christian rock? No? Okay... I'm fine for another day." I'm determined not to waste my remaining days. So I spent one of them making fun of all the Godspeaks sayings, even the ones I've never seen. I got the list off their website. SUCKAS!
            They also had some explanation of the sayings, but it was long, so I didn't read it. So a lot of them I don't understand, but would rather speculate then find out what it really means. The explanations are probably contrived anyway. So here's what I have to say.

We need to talk.
--God
            When I heard the words, my heart sunk. I knew what was coming next. "This isn't working out," God echoed the words just as I'd heard them in my head. "I think... we need to see other people."
            I felt a lump rise in my throat and I cast my eyes downward, avoiding looking directly at God's face, because then I would probably be turned into stone, or something. I mean, He's God.

Loved the wedding! Invite me to the Marriage.
--God
            I don't understand. A wedding is ceremony to celebrate marriage. Marriage isn't an event. I feel like inviting someone to a marriage is asking them to marry you. So God would seem to be suggesting polygamy here, which, you know, okay. I didn't think he was really into that, but hey, whatever.

What part of "you shall not" didn't you understand?
--God
            This is too easy.
-"I didn't understand the 'you'. By you, don't you mean you?"
-"I didn't understand the 'shall'. Isn't that a blanket old ladies wear?"
-"I didn't understand the not. I thought you meant 'you shall... NOT!', you know, like, 'you shall... PSYCHE!' Which just means you weren't telling me to, not telling me not to, so I thought you didn't care whether I did or not, and I did it. Sorry, God."

C'mon over, and bring the kids! (And tell the kids I love them.)
--God
            C'mon over where? God's domain is heaven, right? I picture a man and a woman, pale skin, sunken eyes, messy hair. The woman is dressing an adorable little tousle-haired boy in a winter coat. "Mommy," an adorable little blonde girl in a hot pink coat calls, tugging on the woman's skirt. "Where are we going?"
            "We're going to see God," says the man, as he packs large kitchen knives into a duffle bag.
            "Do I hafta go?" the boy whines. "Batman Beyond is coming on!"             "Of course you have to go see God, Tommy," responds the woman. "God loves you."

That "love thy neighbor" thing? I meant it.
--God
            Well, this is kinda lame. I mean, they could have said "That 'blah blah blah' thing? I meant it," about anything God ever "said". "That 'Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage thing?' I meant it." "That 'slaughter your son like the sacrificial lamb he is' thing? I meant it."

Follow Me.
--God
            I find it odd he chose now to start capitalizing "Me." In "loved the wedding...", the "me" is a small "m". I guess God didn't really say one of them. Or else he's an inconsistent God and we can ignore our choice of half everything he says.

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
--God
            This one of the ones I rewrote. I thought this saying was lacking. It didn't give any incentive for people to go to God's place. You have to paint a picture of God as a really friendly guy. In my world, it says, "Come on over to my place, I just made some apple compote and it's simply divine!"
            I submitted this suggestion to Godspeaks.org but the administrator removed it.

My way is the highway.
--God
            I don't think God really understands the saying "My way or the highway." The highway of the saying, as I understand it, is an undesirable place to be. Basically, God's saying, "Don't do things my way. My way is a bad way."

Need directions?
--God
            These Godspeaks people think they can just say two words, and it's so meaningful, it will immediately convert people to liking God. They think people will read "Need directions," and be like, "Hey, yeahh! God can give me all the direction I need. Thank you, God!" But I mean, really. Either you don't need directions, or you do, but either way, "Need directions?" on a billboard doesn't help the situation. And it's even less of a help on a bus. "Need directions?" Why, no, I think the bus driver's got the situation quite under control, thank you, and if he hasn't, I can sue the transit authority.

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
--God
            No you won't. And saying you will isn't going to get you on the people's side. I think God needs some PR lessons. Besides which, why does God want so bad to get in good with people anyway? He made them and he can break them, or so he says. You'd think if he wanted to be all chummity-chum with them, he could find a way to do it effectively.             I see an angel stretch its golden wings and flap magestically up to God. "The people of Earth are doubting you, Sire," the angel says. "Shall I send a miracle?"
            "Um...miracle, huh?" God scratches his ear meditatively. "Nah. Let's just rent a billboard."

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
--God
            Wow, this God sure is a pushover. I mean, he's God. He could say "Thou shalt come to my house, or I shall strike thee down in a pool of thine own bodily fluids." But no, he says "Let's." Come on. Why doesn't he just get down on one knee and beg you and have done with it? As it is, he's easy to blow off. "No can do, God. I gotta to go to church."

Have you read My #1 best-seller? (There will be a test.)
--God
            Again, let me point out that NO THERE WON'T. If God really is forgiving and loving as these people seem to want us to believe he is, he's not going to cast us to the deepest blackest pits of hell if we can't quote Chapter 6, Paragraph 2 of My Way: The God Story.
            Also, there's no incentive here to read the stupid book. I don't know about you, but people are pretty stupid about what they buy. I'm not going to buy a book just because it's a bestseller.
            Here's how I rewrote this billboard: "Read my #1 best-seller, it has everything: pirates, true love... no wait, that's the Redwall series by Brian Jacques. Well, read that instead. The little mice are adorable!"

I love you, I love you, I love you.
--God
            Oh, now you come crawling back. Whatever, God. We've got along just fine without you so far. At first we were afraid, we were petrified. We never knew how we were going to get along without you by our side. But we spent so many nights thinking how you done us wrong and we grew strong, we learned how to get along. Don't think you can just come back from outer space, cause we're over you, God. Why can't you just move on?

God has purportedly perpetrated even more ludicrous sayings on billboards and buses across select parts of America. And I have written about it...