Which Biblical Author Would You Want to Meet?
Posted on: May 13, 2008 - 11:05pm
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Which Biblical Author Would You Want to Meet?
This thread it pretty self explanatory. Out of all the authors of the various books of the Bible (assuming each only had one, respectively, although this is hotly debated), which one would you like to meet? Why?
Consequently, which Biblical author would you like to have stoned to death?
This is just for fun.
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Definitely John. I'd love to ply him full of LSD and see if he can write that long-awaited sequel to Revelations.
Stone to death? Wouldn't eternal life be worse? I used to have nightmares in which I discovered I was never going to die... terrible nightmares. I'm not kidding.
Hmm... maybe we could reincarnate the writer of Leviticus as a child and leave him with the Vatican. Nah, that would be too cruel. No child deserves to be forcibly sodomized.
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"'My dear,' Madame Delbene replied, 'the universe runs itself, and the eternal laws inherent in Nature suffice, without any first cause or prime mover, to produce all that is and all that we know; the perpetual movement of matter explains everything: why need we supply a motor to that which is ever in motion? The universe is an assemblage of unlike entities which act and react mutually and successively with and against each other; I discern no start, no finish, no fixed boundaries, this universe I see only as an incessant passing from one state into another, and within it only particular beings which forever change shape and form, but I acknowledge no universal cause behind and distinct from the universe and which gives it existence and which procures the modifications in the particular beings composing it... the absolute contrary holds... We need not fret if we find nothing to substitute for chimeras, and above all let us never accept as cause for what we do not comprehend something else we comprehend even less." - Marquis de Sade, Juliette, pg. 43.
I'd like to meet Luke because I consider him the greatest writer of Sci-Fi in the entire bible. From the beginning of his book he creates a story of unbelievable possibility. He has angels appearing to announce births, unborn babies jumping for joy at the mother of the Messiah, travel to a census that wasn't required, and he incorporated Mithra into the birth of Jesus. That's just the 1st chapter and a half. He gets even worse as he goes along. I'd like him to point out the hill near Nazareth where Jesus' was nearly thrown off, as there doesn't seem to be one anywhere near the area. He ends it with the ghost of Jesus past walking on roads and having dinner.
He also probably wrote the Book of Acts. I'm just curious if he used index cards or the equivalent and he lost half of them mid way as I have never read such a disorganized book like it. He tells Paul's conversion story 3 ways. He screws up the Paul arrest and detention by the Romans in Jerusalem. He first says Paul tells the guards he is a Roman so he won't be beat and not more than 5 verses later he writes that the Roman commander had saved Paul from the stoning mob because he knew him to be a Roman. What audacity for an author. He assumed only short term memory people would read his tripe.
I'd like to nominate John the writer of Revelation to be stoned to death. He clearly was insane and deserves to die for the terrible Sci-Fi writing. Only an ignorant savage would believe any of the complete shit he wrote. Stars falling to Earth, strange creatures praising Yahweh 24/7. I can imagine how God would feel to have multi winged creatures constantly saying the same thing over and over forever. I'd have created man too, just for the entertainment value. John also deserves the blame for all the B movies that have been inspired by his crap book of Revelation. If he hadn't written that piece of trash then there wouldn't have been the poorly written book series called the Left Behind either.
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"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Assuming this fantasy has some compensation for language, any of the Hebrew Testament authors would be fun to interrogate oops I mean interview.
I'm not sure I have it in me to stone anyone to death, but if I do, I'd like it to be Saul of Tarsus. I read the Bible for the first time when I was pretty young, and he struck me as the desperate used car salesman type. Some down in the dumps preacher ruined the world with a stroke of genius that is selling forgiveness to the god fearing. This is a modern equivolent to selling Shannon Tweed flicks to fourteen year olds. Luckily, circle jerking teens didn't grow in power and halt scientific progress in favor of masterbatory dogma for a full millenium.
"I've yet to witness circumstance successfully manipulated through the babbling of ritualistic nonsense to an imaginary deity." -- me (josh)
If god can do anything, can he make a hot dog so big even he can't eat all of it?
I choose...
Any
Im not really picky
Actually I would like to meet them all, shake their hands, thank them for their contributions to humanity.... and then throw them in a hole and bury them alive.
...I can't think of a Biblical author I'd like to meet.
Stoning, however, is easy: Moses. It would be revenge for everything that's happened to gay people since Leviticus was written.
Conor