Ten Commandments Temple Tour

Guide: And here we have the Ark of the Covenant. Are there any questions?

Tourist: What are those things on the top?

Guide: Those my dear lady are seraphim.

Tourist: What are seraphim?

Guide: They are the winged protectors of the Ark of the Covenant.

Tourist: You mean like budgies?

Guide: Not budgies, madam, they are powerful winged protectors of the ark.

Tourist: They look like budgies. You can even see their little beaks.

Guide: Madam, those are muzzles. Were it not for the muzzles we could not get this close. They would be ripping us to shreds at this very moment.

Tourist: Look sort of cute to me.

Guide: They are not cute. They are vicious, fearsome protectors of the Ark.

Tourist: Are you sure this is the right Ark?

Guide: Yes, I am certain. Now if you will all follow me, this next exhibit is the actual stone tablets of the ten commandments. This commandments were carved by the hand of YHWH himself.

Tourist: Old unspeakable has chisel fingers I see.

Guide: His fingers are perfect, madam. He does not have chisel fingers.

Tourist: Then what are these chisel marks doing here?

Guide: Those are not chisel marks. They are part of the natural stone formation.

Tourist: Are not. They're just like on my late husbands gravestone.

Guide: Are not.

Tourist: Are too.

Guide: Are not.

Tourist: Liar! Take a look.

Guide: Hmmm, yes, well they do sort of look a little like chisel marks.

Tourist: Sort of? You can even see where it needed sharpening down here when it gets to the coveting part.

Guide: Oh, yes, madam, I see. Ummmm. These must be the second set of tablets carved by Moses.

Tourist: Why would he do that?

Guide: The first set was, ummmm, broken, that's it, broken.

Tourist: Now why would Moses go and break a perfectly good set of tablets?

Guide: Ummmm.

Tourist: Gotcha there!

Guide: You have not. Moses dropped them to the ground.

Tourist: Why wouldn't he be more careful ? It isn't everyone that gets such a nice set of tablets from YHWH.

Guide: He was angry? Yes, that's it, he was angry and he threw them to the ground.

Tourist: Angry at what?

Guide: Your ancestors were breaking the first commandment.

Tourist: How were they to know this first commandment if he went and smashed them before they could read it?

Guide: Hmmmmmm.

Tourist: Gotcha there!

Guide: Madam it is people like you who are going to get this tour ended forever.

Tourist: About bloody time. Two Turtledoves for a couple of budgies and some poor stonework. I've 'alf a mind to demand my turtledoves back.

Guide: You can't have them back.

Tourist: And why not?

Guide: They have been sacrificed.

Tourist: Sacrificed!?!?! To what?

Guide: To YHWH himself.

Tourist: They've been sacrificed to your dinner more likely. You expect me to believe this great YHWH eats food?

Guide: He doesn't eat them. They are merely sacrificed.

Tourist: Never heard of such a thing! There are people starving in Chaldea and here you are wasting perfectly good turtledoves. If my children wasted food like that I'd make them go to bed without any honeycakes.

Guide: That's enough, madam. All right, everyone out. This is now the Holy Of Holies, off limits to the likes of you.

Tourist: A bloody sideshow if you ask me.

Guide: I wasn't asking you. Out! before I call the guards. Source