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Since you atheists are all about "reason" and "logic" I will present Jesus's own top 10 reasons to believe in God.
Read 'em and weep, you filthy scum atheists!
Top 10 reasons to believe in God
Posted on May 20th, 2007 by Jesus
There are exactly six hundred trillion billion thousand, nine hundred and seventy two reasons to believe in God. Moses and I spent most of our Sabbath yesterday in a little boat out on my private pond pondering them all, and from our discussion came a list. I won’t bore you with the details. Here we go!
10. Christians can be magically healed. Seriously, when was the last time Buddha went off and healed someone? Vishnu? Dad is credited with millions upon millions of healings; even a bunch of our followers can heal people. Why bother going through long and costly chemotherapy, loading up full of the latest AIDS cocktails, or getting painful and bothersome breast exams when all you need is God?
9. Christians have more friends. Once a week they all get together to dance around and wiggle to the Holy Spirit. The bonds forged in this mutual humiliation are as solid as they come.
8. God can make you super-rich. Just ask this guy. What was it, like $12 million tied up in his house? Fast cars, great looks, endless energy, the total package. Get in tight with God, talk Him into giving you a special skill, and BAM! You too can be wealthy beyond your wildest imaginations, but you’ve got to believe first.
7. Believing in God can help get you out of prison. If you sawed the arms and legs off your girlfriend and then fed them to your neighbor’s pit bulls while murdering and raping his family, then stole his shotgun and took a run at a nursing home, you can still expect to have at least some tiny little chance of seeing the light of day again if you accept God in your life. Everyone has bad days. God gets that.
6. God makes it easy to let go. Understanding that He sometimes takes people for His own reasons makes it a lot easier to get over tragedies. Atheists and pagans can suffer for years over a loss, because they have no outlet or understanding of why people live or die. Believing in God can help you get up and move on when things are bleak.
5. God can win you an Oscar, a Grammy, a Super Bowl, and more. Most of the super-talented believe in God, so if you want to be super-talented and win a major award you should too.
4. Heaven. It’s not just about the restaurants, the shows, the fishing, the BBQ’s God hosts, or the unfettered access to the lives of those on Earth. You’ll get to spend your days hanging out in a perfect jungle with Dad, where He’ll turn you into random animals and let you play around in their bodies, and your evenings will be spent with Noah, who is so freakin’ hilarious you’ll wonder why you didn’t just drink and drive to get here sooner.
3. Guardian Angels. These bad-ass servants of God have undergone the most strenuous physical training available, and are skilled in the arts of diplomacy, combat, and human defense. How is it, do you think, that more than sixty thousand bad guys have been killed in Iraq while so few Americans have perished? Well, part of it is certainly the training and the weapons and the helicopters and cruise missiles, but when it comes to the boots-on-the-ground fighting, man-to-man style, God’s elite are always in the thick of the carnage. And these are the same angels who keep you from burning yourself making spaghetti, but only if you believe in God! Talk about perks!
2. You don’t have to buy into any crackpot theories. Forget evolution and the accompanying lack of evidence, don’t waste your time looking to the stars for intelligent life or other answers, ignore all that bunk about the Big Bang and the whole physics delusion that goes along with it, and turn the other cheek to all those who would claim that their so-called science definitively disproves fundamental tenets of the Bible. When you believe in God you have one simple manual which disproves or renders moot all of those things that could distract or confuse you. It couldn’t possibly be easier.
1. Because if you don’t believe in God you will burn eternally in Hell. There’s a reason we keep going back to this. Eternity. In Hell. Think about it.
[mod edit: moved to humor forum]
Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all; who would force their feeble and childish beliefs on us; who would invade our schools and libraries and homes. I personally resent it bitterly.
Isaac Asimov
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I might add, you pig-dog non-beleivers:
10 Reasons Believers are Happier Than Atheists
Posted on March 20th, 2008 by Jesus
9. Christians aren’t responsible for others. Atheists always talk about how humans have certain responsibilities to one another, such as keeping the planet healthy and guaranteeing a safe place in which to grow up. Christians, on the other hand, are individualistic in nature, as it is a lone pursuit to see the Gates of Heaven. Focusing only on one’s self eliminates a lot of noise and relegates the unachievable to the unimportant, which invariably makes the Christian a happier and more introspective person.
8. Christians have a place to go when they die. Atheists are always so concerned with the things they do in their lives, suggesting that people only have “one shot” at getting it right. Christians, however, understand that many things are better left undone, and that their paltry few decades on Earth are only the beginning of their eternal life. Christians, therefore, aren’t as stressed out about accomplishments during their natural lives, focusing instead on their eternity in Heaven.
6. Christians can cope with loss better. All Christians know that people only die because God willed it. Even Jessica Lunsford served a purpose to God. Knowing that tragedy and loss of loved ones are all part of God’s Plan helps Christians deal with the feelings of emptiness and sorrow which follows the passing of a loved one. Atheists, however, just have to wallow in their suffering. Who wouldn’t be happier with a pass on human emotion?
5. Christians are moral people, while atheists are not. Because all morality is drawn from the well of God, those who do not know Him cannot know ethical behavior within society. People who treat other people with dignity and respect, such as Christians, are far happier than people who see others only as empty vessels composed of molecules and weak consciousness. Were atheists to know morality, they too would be happy.
3. Christians have more friends. Atheists do not generally gather in large numbers on a weekly basis to praise nothing. Christians, on the other hand, come together and make new friends several times per week! People with more friends are universally happier in life.
2. Children of Christians behave much better. The Bible is the ultimate guide to raising well-informed and moral children, and Christians who utilize the messages of salvation, accountability, and fear in their child-rearing have far fewer problems with their kids than atheists. Children raised by atheists are universally more difficult to control, as they rely on logic, reason, and fairness when arguing with their mothers and fathers, which in many cases may confound atheist parents. A Christian child would never endeavor to be so difficult. They might get stoned for their transgressions.
Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all; who would force their feeble and childish beliefs on us; who would invade our schools and libraries and homes. I personally resent it bitterly.
Isaac Asimov
Seriously, what is the point of all this
Seriously, what is the point of your post?
You could realy use one.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Cad,
Did you mean, what is the point of all this, as in >>>
What is all the point of beginning a thread like this, I think it's foolish, silly or____ .
OR, did you mean >>>
What is the point of the human(s) doing goofy things within the story/ first post.
(that is to say, the writer, "Jesus" and the website from where the quote came)
Cadalyst, the point is obvious (and very very sinister)
Daedalus is involved in a very nasty double bluff. Pretending to be an atheist and ironic, he has planted on these atheist boards a theist doctrine which, although purporting to be humorous, still contains within it the core tenets of the christian faith presented both subliminally and (did you notice his "follow up" post) with repetition, the two methods most favoured by christian proselytizers throughout history.
But fear not - a simple test can be done if you are worried that your mind has been in any way compromised by this sneaky attempt to convert you. Just follow these steps and I guarantee, within a matter of minutes, you will have your answer. All you need is a blank white sheet of A4 paper and a flashlamp.
1. Hold the paper in your left hand.
2. Hold the flashlamp in your right hand.
3. Turn the flashlamp on.
4. Using your left hand, hang the paper vertically two inches from your left ear.
5. Using your right hand, shine the flashlamp directly into your right ear.
6. If the beam of light travels unobstructed and lands on the paper - you've been christianized.
This test has been used with consistent results at the entrance chambers to all the best Atheist Conventions, or at least it was until one major flaw in its method was pointed out by researchers at the Clarence Darrow Institute for Logic, Science and Satanism in Nashville, TE. Absence of light landing on the paper might indicate that a brain intercedes and blocks its flow, but it might also simply mean that the christian holding the flashlamp, terrified as he or she is of discovering anything through empirical testing, will have forgotten step 3.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
In other words, god sucks the brain out of your skull
aiia, without perceptive little points of sanity like you in this carbuncle of putrid entropy we call the universe life would be a pointless and aimless travail. Even worse, it would be humourless.
And you're dead right - god sucks.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
I disagree - something that does not exist can't suck. The idea of god sucks, Christianity and religion in general suck - though the Christarded god certainly would suck if he did exist.
Matt Shizzle has been banned from the Rational Response Squad website. This event shall provide an atmosphere more conducive to social growth. - Majority of the mod team
Ah - an existentialist!
We have reserved a special spot on the carbuncle in this thread for exactly that point of view, Matt. You will find it just to the left and down the corridor - look for the door between the other two doors marked "Irony for beginners" and "Ironing for Jesus".
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Hi , it's me Jesus ! God I should say ....
Thanks OP , daedalus
Jim Gaffigan - Religion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwg9B6Oc_1U
Atheism Books.