Today I'm at the supermarket getting a few small items which included ice cream, milk, eggs, alfredo sauce, taco sauce and margarita mix.  It was a small odds-and-ends trip which should have only taken a few minutes.  After Lori and I grabbed the items, forcibly pulling ourselves away from the food isles so we wouldn't be taken in by marketing and impulse buys, we made our way to the fast lane self-check-out area.  Of course, all the lanes were full. 

Ideally, this would not be a problem.  It should only take a person with a few items only a matter of minutes to complete a transaction and move on.  It isn't rocket science.  At least, they don't require you to be able to calculate physics equations to use the things.  But the people in front of us sure made it seem like they were taking engineering exams.  Seriously...

Recapping these hardy folk, in the front-right lane was a woman with no less than 100 items.  The front left was a woman with a small assortment of items, perhaps fifteen in total, but with double the coupons, who could not seem to figure out how to use the machine.  The rear left lane had a young girl and an elder man, both of whom were stumped--perplexed perhaps--by the words "insert money here" scrolled above the little slip where, after reading the words with some care, it becomes obvious what its for.  The woman in the rear right lane seemed to be astute, but she was far too fragile to be lifting the 24-pack soda can boxes on her own, and her sniveling grandson who was more than capable did not seem to care much about offering aide. 

So let me start out with the most obvious question...'What the fuck?' 

Okay.  Woman with the 100 groceries - there is a reason why there are ten people now waiting in line behind me with five - ten items.  It's a "fast lane", not a "take your time backing up each item in a paper and then plastic bag before putting it on the floor and fidgeting with your shit" lane.   I'm sure Paul the sales clerk at register 5 would be more than happy to take your items, scan them, and bag them because, well lets face it, he is actually getting paid to have his time wasted.  I'm not.  So take your bags and bags of vegetables and fruits that need to be keyed in seperately to an actual register lane and leave this fast lane open for those of us with enough sense to give a shit about the people who are patiently waiting for you to scan your twelve bags of Hersey chocolates at $1 each, while by standing here, some of us are basically throwing out two times that. 

Coupon woman, look, I get it.  You're old.  You're old an you can't function as well as you once could.  You give lots of excuses...Arthritis maybe?  Well you certainly were well enough to cut the damn coupons out of that paper every day, using those very hard-to-use scissors.  Partially blind?  I doubt it, you could read the coupons well enough too.  Here's a suggestion - Paul over at register 5 again.  Look, he's waving.  He has an open lane.  I bet he could probably scan your items and coupons in five minutes flat, and have you kickin' it with your family before Frank Sinatra comes on your favorite old-time radio station for the tenth time this hour.  

Mr. and Mrs. Obvious, if you attended high school, the words scribbled on the black box in front of you should not be giving you a hard time.  You may think that Apple and Mac are nothing more than a fruit and a truck company, but trust me, computers do exist (unlike the God you believe in, so obvious from the cross dangling from both of your necks like "idiot" badges).  I know you may not own one, because it is clear the "press here to pay now" box that is blinking at you is too complex a sentence for you to comprehend, let alone the intricate means that power the screen it blinks on - which is displaying more than your EWTN network.  So I can understand your confusion.  You are just twenty years out of date with technology.  Perhaps a old-time farmers market may be more suitable to your horse and carriage out front, and they may not even have paved roads at the market!  Oh the glee!  Happy day! 

Grandma and the Gump....I just don't even know where to start.  Let's just say...loose the kid and hire a personal assistant.  I promise you, Pokemon is not the standard conversation around the water fountain.  Perhaps with a personal assistant, you'll be able to move around a bit quicker and be more efficient.  Time is of the essence, you're no longer a young pup ready to go to the malt shoppe.   Time is short, and it could be better spent doing the things you deserve to be doing - not catering to the whims of the midget Power Ranger over here, whining about his latest campaign against the forces of Mordor.

People...we're in the 21st century here.  We are a technologically rich society.  Computers are older than me.  You've had time to acclimate yourselves to this climate,...what the fuck were you doing all this time?  Fast lane checkouts did not magically appear one day; they evolved like every technology over time.  And trust me, this shopping center in Philly is not the first supermarket in the world to get these in.  Ten years ago, when I was working at a now-out-of-business franchise supermarket, they had these, and they were old then. 

When I work at my part time job, at the bookstore, we ask people to sign up for a coupon card.  The only requirements are an e-mail address (so you get the coupons) and the last seven digits of your phone number.  When asked for this information, often the response is, "I don't own a computer."  Say what?  Wait a second while I check to make sure I still have a pulse.  Yep, still do.  Did I enter some Star Trek time warp by being jettisoned around the sun?  What the fuck do you mean you don't have a computer?  Do you live in this society?  Did you somehow take a vow of silence in a cave somewhere twenty years ago and now are just reemerging into the world?  It's bad enough you don't know the title is To Kill a Mocking Bird (it's not How to Kill the Mocking Bird - idiot), but are you so distanced from reality that you can't realize that computers are essential to communication and education?  Those aren't telegraph wires anymore, they're fiber-optics cables that send information at the speed of light. 

Look, do yourself a favor...and just move to Lebanon County, Pennsylvania.  Exile yourself from modern society.  If you can afford a computer, but don't have one, you do not belong as a part of this growing culture.  Pack your bags, and go til the land.  It's high time you left the world of automowhatsits and the interwebs to the people who actually want to see society progress - and no I did not just say produce.