I've got to vent a little.
Offline I think everyone on this damn forum has done this before, but I need to do it now.
One of my friends died this week from an overdose of liquid morphine. He was in a coma for three days and then went completely braindead. I am extremely proud of his parents for killing him instead of dragging his practically-a-corpse through an extended, useles life.
Ensuing depression aside, my problem is the whole American concept of visitation/funeral.
I was invited by his family to his visitation that was held today. I didn't go. I think that it's based on wild superstition that somehow he can hear us saying goodbye to him. He's fucking dead. All you're doing by saying goodbye is deluding yourself. I missed my chance to say goodbye. Saying that he can hear us and that he's in heaven isn't dealing with the problem, it's completely avoiding it. I've been trying to actually cope with my feelings instead of lying to myself about his condition. It's harder but it's a whole lot more fulfilling.
I'm not going to the funeral tomorrow, either. I expect it to be a thinly-veiled sermon. He didn't even believe in god. He was descriminated against during his life for being an atheist. This is completely ridiculous. I also don't need a place to go be sad about his death. I can do that right here, without dressing up and standing next to his corpse and his parents.
Thanks for listening.
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People like to get together to grieve. Outside of the religious component, you could be depriving yourself of part of a basic psychological process. Or not. Maybe you deal with it differently.
I had a friend of mine (James) die yesterday after a short battle w/ brain cancer. I went through the usual emotions.
I feel fortunate to have spent the evening w/ a dozen mutual friends. We went to a bar where another friend of mine plays guitar and sings.
We drank for hours and a few people cried. Most of all, we just tried to focus on the happiest memories we had of him. We offered a dozen toasts to a friend and kept company w/ each other at a time when we all felt the effects of losing someone we were fond of (No religious platitudes necessary).
There were times when we talked directly to him as if we were still alive, but I think Magilum is correct. This is a normal part of the psychological process most people go through. A friend is gone, but the transition from "he is" to "he was" takes a certain amount of time to get used to.
Anyway drinks and hanging out w/ friends is far superior to any religous ceremony, in my opinion, but everyone has to deal w/ that sort of pain in a way that suits them best.
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
George Orwell
Anthropologists will tell you that all cultures have some kind of ritual for shuffling the dead from this mortal coil. The most obvious reason for this is that it creates social cohesion among the living. I, for one, have some of my strongest memories from times when I was grieving with other people.
I think in the case of funerals and visitations, it's probably a little premature to throw the baby out with the bathwater. AmericanIdle makes a great point. Getting together at a bar and toasting the dead has the same effect of promoting social cohesion, and it doesn't labor under any delusions of being reunited, or moving on to a better place.
Maybe you can grab a few friends, a fifth of Jack, and anything else you might enjoy safely, and spend a few hours reminiscing and openly dealing with your emotions. That's healthy, and you might find yourself closer to your friends.
Then again, I suppose dealing with it privately will probably work, too. The danger, of course, is that there are no friends to nudge you back if you start getting a little bit into the deep end over something.
Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
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It's commonly said (and completely accurate) that funerals are for the living and not for the dead. The day that your absent friend tells you that he appreciates you comforting his parents and relatives or conversely, that he's glad that you stuck to your guns and skipped the preaching, will never come. I recently lost a friend who didn't come out of his shell and develop a network of friends until he moved away from home and became an adult; consequently, his family could only guess what kind of a man he might have been and needed the recollections of his friends to have any understanding of this. I'm proud to have contributed to their understanding in a small way. If you feel that you might be able to do the same, then do it, even if you can't stomach the service itself. There's always the mail and telephones.
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell
Zymotic I have sympathy for the loss of your friend, but you have to be careful at this point not to be saying things that you will later regrete. Through your grief it is easy to do.
Your friends parents did NOT kill him, the liquid morphine did that, they likely signed off on resusitation and let nature take it's course. That does take a certain courage.
I wish you the best through your grieving process.
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First off...Zymotic, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend.
These post mortem rituals are more for the living than they are for the dead. They may be disguised otherwise, but clearly you need a way to express yourself.
You need to find a way to grieve that won't offend your sensibility. Might I suggest that you get together a group of common friends...and celebrate his life & why you loved him. Just an idea...maybe it sucks...but you know what I mean.
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I'm really sorry to hear that.
From what Ive known, heaven isn't real, this concludes that he is not in heaven nor hes in hell.
ITS ALL, the behavior of humans.
Hey, glad I could help you by listening. If you want me to listen more, please drop me a line.
god -- I tried you on for size.... you were a little long in the crotch, loose in the waist, short in the length and you made my butt look extra flat. I had to take you back for an exchange.
Sorry for your loss man. In 2006-2007 I lost a wife of 15 years and my older brother both rather unexpectedly so I can relate to what you're going through. I always thought the idea of a visitation and funeral was to mourn together as a social unit of friends and family and not for the sake of the dead. It is still sad that often the people that aren't present are viewed as uncaring, but I have heard family members say things like this when someone decides not to attend. There's nothing wrong with grieving in your own way. However, the family feels some sort or responsibility to get all of his friends and family together to remember their time with him as most ancient cultures have done. Yeah, it's irrational but sometimes the irrational is what separates us from robots.
The whole funeral thing is a perversion of what we used to have in this country. The death industry makes billions of dollars a year by selling some version of what is expected of mourning families to pay the last respects for the departed. Penn and Teller did a great episode on BullShit where they talked about death inc and how we transitioned to a country that buried our own dead to paying someone to do it. Sorry if I got off topic a little.
"Always seek out the truth, but avoid at all costs those that claim to have found it" ANONYMOUS
I've had a few occasions in my life where someone close or much cherished by me has died, and for reasons that were sometimes down to my prevailing attitude at the time and sometimes just due to circumstances beyond my control I did not attend whatever type of funeral had been arranged.
It has never caused me a moment of regret afterwards, and in cases where I know that the person was being buried according to a custom or surrounded by people he or she would never have cared for much in life, I have actually been pleased (if pleased is the right term) to have done so, almost as if it was a private gesture shared between me and my dead friend.
We all have our own way of coping with grief. I'm sorry for your loss, Zymotic, and I hope your decision is one that will bring you comfort and relief, and maybe even a little joy, in years to come whenever you remember your friend. I'm assuming your "rant" as you called it was posted was not because you doubt your actions, but that you suspect they might be misinterpreted by others. So what if they are - grief is a private thing no matter what way it's addressed by the individual and you're doing it your way. There is no other.
My sympathies.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy