What did the first born son do?
Posted on: September 7, 2008 - 5:23pm
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What did the first born son do?
Hey all.
I just got back from my parents house and naturally they made me go to church.
Today's sermon was about how the good god was to spare the lives of his chosen people who spread goats blood over their doors to stop him killing their kids during the freeing of the Jews of Egypt.
Now I'm the first born male from my parents, so I feel strongly that god should not kill the first born because their parents fucked up.
So I want to start a petition for god to read so next time he feels the right to go off and start killing children, that he goes for the middle child (because who really cares about them)
If you think this is a much better idea than killing the good, kind and loving older brother then please leave a comment.
Thanks
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I have three younger brothers and a younger sister and I am all in favor of haveing what ever god your family believes in takeing them out first. I have two older sisters also but according to the bible they don't count for anything; even less in the koran.
So let the oldest son alone and kill off younger siblings first for what ever religious reason any god has. I'll sign my name in BIG BOLD letters on any petition you have ALA John Hancock. Now bring on the ink.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Why don't he just kill his motherfucking self (and I mean that literally if both Jebus and the Holy Spigot are god. ) Wait, he already did that I guess. OK, do it again and no fair ressurecting this time. I'm an only so I'd be fucked no matter what.
Wouldn't a good god just not fucking kill ANYONE for what someone else did?
Matt Shizzle has been banned from the Rational Response Squad website. This event shall provide an atmosphere more conducive to social growth. - Majority of the mod team
As the middle child in my own family, I must protest - nigh, even create a counter-petition - for determining the actions God should take.
Sure, the eldest may be the wiser - but might not the eldest also be the more corrupt? The more studied and guilty of sin?
Nay, I say - NAY - slay not the middle child! Slay this, the first-born daughter, and hear out my wisdom as such:
Is it not the eldest daughter who will be the first to lose her lustre? The first reject her divine destiny in the world and let rebellion into her heart?
Is it not she who the ministy would have first found to have turned her back on her people and turned to witchcraft!?
If people should be surrendered to the Lord, let them be the most unclean - the most unfit - of our wholesome and decent society.
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
I must offer: Slay them all, every last child born of woman, let God sort them out.
...But do it with a smile!
- Leon Trotsky, Last Will & Testament
February 27, 1940
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
The spreading of goat's blood, even on private property, is a violation of several public ordinances relating to hygiene and carries a range of penalties, depending on local law, ranging from fines to imprisonment. Since 1997 blood has been eligible for inclusion in the definition of toxic substances under certain circumstances, unauthorised application to house fronts being nominally one of them (though as yet, amazingly, this has not been actually tested in court).
It is worth mentioning also that the private slaughter of goats, since 1926, has been subject to licence and can be conducted only on properties designated for commercial agricultural use.
Should god therefore instruct his followers to engage in illegal and unlicenced activities regarding violations of public hygiene, and if he uses the coercion of threatened murder of offspring to ensure compliance with his directive, he is liable to prosecution under state law with regard to his incitement to public disobedience, and under federal law with regard to his coercion with menaces.
Given god's alleged track record in the past his chances of beating these raps would be quite minimal, and given the almost limitless capacity on the part of certain individuals to comply to imagined directives from this source, such an actual directive would have to be deemed a real threat to US security.
Most importantly, since the threat of murder on a large scale is one of the crucial criteria by which terrorism is defined in all legislation concerning the crime, it can be safely assumed that god is - even without the issuing of a fresh threat of this exact nature - already automatically listed as an enemy of the US based on past conduct. His presence in the US is therefore itself a crime.
Anyone with information regarding god's whereabouts in the US, or information regarding anyone recruiting new members of any organisation purporting to support god, publicising, disseminating, or otherwise attempting to popularise such organisations, or in possession of literature purportedly produced by this terrorist, is themselves liable to prosecution under the same legislation.
Goats and first-borns, relax. The Bush administration has put the laws in place and taken the necessary measures to ensure your safety.
Canadians are on their own.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
i concur. and add to that humpback whales, california condors, giant pandas, polar bears, and every motherfucking redwood tree from yosemite to the northwest territories. fuck 'em. but leave me till last, so i can observe the carnage while eating a bloody rare veal chop.
"I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feelings for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright. . . . Or maybe 'stupid' is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don't bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I. . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots."
--Hunter S. Thompson
i thought atheists were supposed to eat babies...
Some of the born-again Christians are really messed up. They hold "Harvest Festivals" on October 31 as an alternative to Halloween because they think Halloween is violent and evil. Yet, these same people see no problem with the Bible story of smearing lamb's blood on the outside of a house or killing first born children. But that's not the worst of it. They also sing songs in church on Sunday morning about being "washed in blood" and even pretend to drink blood and eat flesh. Can you say....Jeffery Dahmer?
Rick
Frosty's coming back someday. Will you be ready?
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Why waste your time cooking when you can just eat them live? And kittens are the best because they're the cutest, which adds extra goodness to the meal.
Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Wait a minute, here. Honestly, I've got to be on Jehovah's side on this one. He's just trying to be fair. What if your poor Egyptian ass had five kids and He decided to kill the fourth born child and your neighbors only had three? Motherfuckers get off for free! Everybody who has kids has a firstborn by definition, right? Unless your firstborn already got killed in one of the previous nine plagues, of course.
"The whole conception of God is a conception derived from ancient Oriental despotisms. It is a conception quite unworthy of free men."
--Bertrand Russell