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Door to door atheist
Posted on: January 12, 2009 - 7:35am
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Door to door atheist
"After encountering several overtly religious people trying to convert him on his own doorstep,this Australian decides to get his own back" One of the funniest (and religiously hypocritical) things I've seens in a while.
The most powerful weapon against errors of any kind is reason.
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That was especially timely since I had a couple of bible-thumpers show up on my doorstep on Saturday morning. I've found it's much easier to get rid of them with two large dogs barking loudly. It's even easier to get rid of them if you pretend that you have a tenuous grip and they may be out of your control at any second.
Strangely, this did not work nearly so well for the political canvassers last fall. Could it be that fervent belief in politics is worthy of more physical danger than fervent belief in God? During a presidential election cycle, the answer seems to be "yes".
Even more fun - invite them in, feigning interest, and then about 15 minutes into their 'speech' just start laughing. Let them know you are sorry but you just can't keep a straight face anymore. Inform them of your atheism and see what they do... priceless.
Slowly building a blog at ~
http://obsidianwords.wordpress.com/
I talked to a couple Jehovah's Witnesses once outside of my door. I told them that I was in the middle of fucking my girlfriend and that it had better be good or I'll beat the shit out of them for interrupting and for soliciting. They actually started talking to me and it was only until after I slammed the door, turned on 2pac's "Gangsta Party" full blast and fired a shotgun blast out the window that they finally got the hint of being unwelcome.
I pretended to be a door to door Jehovah's witness once. Some crazy guy was blasting rap music and nearly shot me!
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
This has to be hyperbole. No one would really be stupid enough to pull this shit, right?
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
See, you try humor and some people actually think there's the slightest chance that you might be serious. Things are way too tense and intellectual around here at times. Of course it's supposed to be a joke; I'd never unload a damn shotgun round just to prove a point to a couple annoying religious fucks.
I've witnessed people quite seriously discuss similarly dangerous things as a method of chasing people off... so who knows?
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
Interesting that he would pick the mormons to do this to. I have my own humorous way of taking them down a peg or two.
I feign interest in what they have to say and let them babble at me. Eventually, they will get around to mentioning the head guy in Utah. Apparently, he is a real, living prophet. He also happens to go by the name of Gordon Hinckley.
At this point, the obvious direction would be to ask if he is any relation to the guy who shot Ronald Reagan. But I can do much better.
It happens that there was a low rated comedy on TV right about that time and the main character was called Ralph Hinckley. Or at least he had a last name in the pilot. Before filming could get started, the other Hinckley guy shot the president and the producer decided that it would be better if the guy's last name was quietly dropped from the show. That is where I jump on them.
“Oh! Is he any relation to Ralph Hinckley? You know the guy with super powers given to him by aliens from Zeta Retuiculae? After all, your guy is a prophet and my guy is “The Greatest American Hero”. So they must have stuff in common.”
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I'm pretty sure spike got the jist of my joke, but if not, that's cool. I'm not sure where the wires got crossed on your end, but that's fine because it's nearly impossible to radiate your own brand of humor at times on forums, that's true.
Has anyone on these forums actually done something to that degree to someone religious? Also, what's the worst you've ever seen someone do?
The worst thing I've ever seen anyone do is a man's attempt to cut off his wife's right hand. I was a volunteer EMT at the time. He made it through the retractor tendon and scored a pair of carpals before she struggled free and ran for help. The story she told me was she had stroked the hair of another man while they were at a party (never told me why) and he decided that the bible's instruction to cut off the offending body part was to be taken literally.
EDIT
And, here's something on topic:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/the-missionaries-position/Content?oid=936000
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
Every once in a while I'll simply tell the simpletons that I was just starting a prayer session with a friend and they'll go away. Usually, I tell them I'm in the middle of an animal sacrifice to Satan and ask them if they would care to join me. I've had several knock each other down trying to get away from my house. Works quite well, especially when I start laughing "demonically."
"Erecting the 'wall of separation between church and state,' therefore, is absolutely essential in a free society." Thomas Jefferson
www.myspace.com/kenhill5150
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a bible expert, but I thought in that passage you were supposed to cut off your own hand (or pluck out your eye or whatever). I didn't know you were allowed to go around removing the parts you didn't like of other people.
I have seen someone shot in the air, a good jewish friend of mine, ex-military (isareli military), he explained to them politely that he was a jew and according to the torah they were asking him to forgo his relationship to god in order to worship jesus who isn't a god, and that it is considered idoltry (he really isn't religious) and that the torah is specific about dealing with people trying get you away from god, it's a harsh dealing. When they wouldn't stop, he said to give him one second, and he came back with a desert eagle .50 and shot 2 shots in the air....yeah they ran real quick. Mine you this was a prop gun, but they didn't know.
Unless they were drunk, abusive, control-freak husbands with no self esteem and a deep sense of paranoia.
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
So we could find at least a handful is what you're saying?
"I am that I am." - Proof that the writers of the bible were beyond stoned.