Some writing of mine (fiction). Would anyone like to take a look and give some feedback?
Offline Hi guys. This is the beginning of a short story I once started. I've sorta gotten stuck, but just to hear what you English speakers think, and to maybe get some useful feedback to maybe jumpstart this, or other projects...
It's Sci Fi by the way...
Lieutenant First class Alexander Barain was standing on the forward view-deck of the Cruiser Vanguard, looking out into the void of space. The stars: spread across the heavens like so much spilled salt, were at first glance comforting; filling the galaxy with presence, light, warmth, life. But for Lieutenant Barain, who had travelled among them for years, it was just an illusion. He knew that the stars, inumberable and immence by any other measure, were dwarfed by the shear distances between them. So much space; so little matter.
The thought sent a chill down his spine. He was reminded of his early childhood in the Royal Millitary Academy of New Columbia. The same feeling had found him back then, when he'd learned of the structure of the tiny components that made up all matter in the universe; the nucleous of the atom, and the electrons circling it filling just a fraction of a fraction of the space each atom occupied. “So in a sence everything; your consoles, your laser indicators, indeed you yourselves consist of 99.9 percent nothingness” his teacher had said one day with a ironic grin on her face, as though there was something funny about this notion.
Alexander hadn't found it funny: it had terrified him, making him look at his hands and clasping them together, half expecting them to pass right through each other. Time had done little to releave him of this childish terror. The universe was a void, in which floated tiny particles desperately searching for other particles to cling to, to counter the emptiness as best they could. And every second the entire universe expanded, all these particles being flung further and further away from eachother until one day they would all be completely alone to expire in silence.
“All personnel proceed to jump-stations. Ship has cleared the Gravity-well and is preparing for S.U travel. Jump will commence in T-minus 30 minutes. Repeat: all personnel...” The P.A wailed it's message out over the forward view-deck, as well as the rest of the ship. Lieutenant Barain was torn from his thoughts, returning to the moment. He turned and walked back towards the exit, and made his way towards Jump deck B, containing the Sub-Universe-Travel containment pods.
Having cleared the gravity-well of the Penelope System after 3 weeks of travel it was finally time to enter the sub-universe and continue on to their destination. Lieutenant Barain calmly walked down the main corridor, surrounded by nervous junior crew hurrying back and forth.
The first time he'd traveled through the Sub-Universe had been the most unpleasant experience of his life. His entire nervous-system running amok, while his mind lost all sence of space and time, making him feel as if his whole being was nothing but the feeling of excrusiating pain, suspended in eternity. He had been rigarously trained and prepared in advance, and yet the feeling had completely overwhelmed him. He'd been almost panicing before the second time, but as the jumps became more and more common, he'd actually gotten used to it, something he'd never thought he would.
This would be his 31st jump, and by now he was completely calm as he stood in the transit-tube that sped through the Cruiser to jump deck B. The young Midshipman standing opposite him, however, seemed very nervous indeed.
“First jump?” Alexander asked him, as he caught the young mans eyes.
“Yes Sir”
“I won't humour you... It's going to be rough, but remember your training, and you will make it through.”
“Yes Sir” He swallowed and looked down.
Alexander lent over and put his hand on the young man's shoulder:
“And remember this: it's only thirteen minutes. Even if it feels like an eternity, remember it'll be over in thirteen minutes.”
The Transit-tube stopped at the Jump deck B Transit station. The P.A. gave the 20 minute warning with its cooly modulated synthetic female voice. Alexander walked quickly, but calmly, down the corridor, followed by the young Midshipman. The jump decks were placed down the center of the ship, each a long cylindrical room with two rows of sub-universe-travel containment pods split by a walkway down the center.
The Deck B quartermaster was waiting inside, ready to help the new crewers find their respective pods. They where ofcourse supposed to know the drill, but the mess it would make if someone didn't get in their pod on time was not something the quartermaster had any interest in cleaning up afterwards, and even though the ship would be scanned before the jump, it was neither unheard of that the scanners might mistake any stray crewers for a rat, nor that the ship computer might malfunction and still engage the jump.
The rookie crewers seemed to be fairly weel trained though: most where already in their pods, or standing in front of them, eating their J-pills, undressing, or otherwise preparing to enter the S.U.
Alexander walked down the corridor, sensing the nervousness in the air: the rookies where reaking of it. They had picked up 158 new recruits at the Academy on Penelope 3, after sending an equal number of older crewers on shoreleave. Almost half the crew of the ship was now rookies, most with very little spacetime, and all of them with no real combat experience. And they where about to go to the frontline...
Alexander had reached his pod, and pressed the button on the J-pill-dispenser on its right side. He took the pill that dumped into the tray in front of him, and swallowed it down quickly. He sensed the nausia as soon as the pill hit his stomach, as the nerve-relaxants entered his bloodstream. He ignored the feeling and got undressed. He put his clothes in his locker beside the pod, an got in. The opaque plastacon window closed in front of him, drowning out the sounds of the ship, and leaving him with only the sound of his own breath.
He watched a young woman get undressed and get into her pod. She was very beautiful, but looked very nervous. For a fleeting moment he had a feeling of longing: as though love, or even just sex and intimacy might pull him out of the daze he felt he lived in. He had had various relationships with various women, but it had always felt just as empty as the rest of his life. And love was something he had never experienced, and never thought he would.
The feeling passed, and he couldn't even bring himself to lust for the beautiful young woman, as he watched her naked body in her pod across from his. The intercom broke the silence: “Jump will comence in T-minus 5 minutes. Repeat: Jump will commence in T-minus 5 minutes.” Alexander took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 18 minutes from now, he would be back at the frontline: the only place he had ever felt alive.
The heavy hulk of the Vanguard turned slowly in the void of space, pointing its bow away from the distant sun of the Penelope system. Its many running lights cut out one by one, leaving it as an oblong shadow in the darkness of the boundless night. Meter-thick steel shudders slid slowly down over the huge plastacon viewports of the view decks and the brigde. The lumbering mass of the cruiser came to a halt and for a moment everything was quiet.
Then the massive Sub-Universe engines fired up. Red light shone faintly around the edges of the huge exhaust vents on the aft end of the spacecraft, acompanied by a low, almost inaudible humming. Both rose slowly, the hum becoming a shreak, the glow becoming an incandescent crimson light. And then, in an instant, the Vanguard was gone, leaving only a dark cloud of helium exhaust fumes.
So that's what you get for now. There's more, but you'll have to request it if you want more. There are parts of this I'm allready unsatisfied with, like the conversation with the midshipman (Alexander is way to friendly, and it sounds too 80's war-movie cliché
and also the thoughts of the woman are too bland and banal.
But please give me some input and later maybe I'll post the second half.
P.S: the second hald is not the rest of the story. I never finished it, and it's been over a year since I wrote this, but maybe with some feedback I could take it up again.
P.S.S: You don't have to help me with my writing hankerings, it was really just an impulse to post it here, but I thought maybe some of you would find it interesting...
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
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I find it hard to judge without Background, Backstory, Story summary, lore... etc
I have nothing to go on without it
What Would Kharn Do?
I understand, but when you start reading a new Sci Fi novel you don't know any of that going in either, so partly I'd like you to think of wether any of it gets you interested. Are you thinking stuff like:
- what is this war?
- What's so bad about the S.U?
- What's this 13 minutes stuff?
If you feel like that then that's my intention. To interest you with stuff that isn't explained, but that you want to have explained, so that I can later give the pay-off.
But also, you can just judge my language.
how's my language? Do I paint a picture, or is it bland? Banal? Am I using too many fancy words, or contrived metaphors, making me sound pretentious rather than elequent? Is my spelling or grama wrong? I'm Danish after all so I expect I make some mistakes, and maybe use words that don't mean what I think they mean.
Stuff like that.
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
Prologue my boy! prologue... something that sets up the story, background, and usually the main character, all within a few pages ;-p
All i get it is the same ol BLAND "Blah, SPACE MARINES!!, Blah, STARSHIPS!, Blah, WOMEN TROOPERS!"
Theres nothing to it... yet my judgement is supposed to come from it
What Would Kharn Do?
One thing's for sure: I'm jealous of your second-language vocabulary. If I could remember that many words in German, much less use them in sequence, I'd be happy!
There are some spelling errors and some possible misuse of words. I say "possible" because I think your English is excellent, and often more expressive than a native speaker's by virtue of it being a second (or third, etc) language. Sometimes, that's an advantage. But if you'd like me to point them out, just say the word. I don't like to edit without explicit permission.
[edit]
By "edit", I mean post corrections, not edit your original post.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
Yah, it could use some light editing but I will leave that to Will. One question though:
If the ship has been travelng away from the star for three weeks, then why does it need to turn to point the bow away from the star?
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Thanks Will. I read alot of books in English, and of course there's no dubbing on Danish TV and in Cinema's so that helps.
Please do point out any words I may be misinterpreting: I always welcome any honing of my vocabulary.
And also, I asked this in another thread: I'm using the word "plasticity" alot these days. I'm I right in thinking it means: "mutable/moldable/easy to change into different forms" ?
For example I might say: "The plasticity of the human mind" and what I would mean was: "The human mind is capable of taking many forms / people are easy to brainwash / brains that are psysichally similar can still hold wildly different opinions and emotions because the human mind is very mutable"
And also, can I say: "The human mind is very plastic" ?
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
Damn you and your irrefutable logic!
It turns it's bow away from the star because it paints a dramatic picture!
Don't ruin it with your petty logic and continuity!
Anyway, I'm off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks for reading it guys.
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
But just before I go...
I am intentionally going for an "In Medias Res" story, because I want the reader to know nothing of the Sci Fi universe, the technology, the history et.c. so that they will ask the questions, and then have them answered along the way. Also, it's intended as a short story, so fleshing out the universe too much makes it too complicated for a short story.
I hear you. That's partly why I got stuck. I thought it was bland myself, and I had to ask myself: "where are you going with this? "
But I will say this though. I am mainly interested in telling a story about the main character's internal feelings: his hopelessness and bitterness. The Sci Fi backdrop is almost incedental to that end. So it's not so much a Sci Fi story that wants to show you a universe. It's more a story about a man and his thoughts and emotions.
The woman for example is not there to tell a narative about a future where women are equal to men, and the sociological implications of such a society. I put her in there purely to act as a prop for Alexander's lack of human attachment. She is something for him to react to.
But I also have technology I want to explore, so the Sci Fi setting is on purpose. The infrastructure of a galactic society where ships can go anywhere in 13 minutes, but only after weeks of travel at slower-than-light travel at both the point of departure and the destination solar-systems is ofcourse also an integral part of the story. And I'm not sure that is original enough in itself to make it anything new.
And I really like the Star-Ship idea, that is, bow, midshipman, et.c. Like a navy in space. And I know that's been done to death in Sci Fi, but again, I adopt it here because it's more flavour than it is substance.
Like a fantasy story can be really good with elves and dwarves and orcs, even though we've seen it a thousand times before. You don't have to invent your own unique races and settings for your fantasy story, unless your fantasy story is driven forward by the "let me show you my universe" model.
If it is that, then orcs, dwarves and elves will seem like boring unoriginality.
But if your story is driven forth by a political plot, or a murder mystery, or a psychological drama, then it's okay that the main characters are just "old-fashioned" fantasy creatures, even though there were invented by Tolkien, and expanded upon by thousands of fantasy franchises, like Games Workshop and D & D, because you'll be using it as a backdrop, rather than the driving force of the narative.
But ofcourse, inherent in both fantasy and Sci Fi is that it will always be at least partly a "let me show you my universe" narrative, otherwise, what's the point, right?
So I do appreciate your warnings, and I am mindful that I should not become too cliché.
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
Yeah, but it's rare enough that not many native speakers would catch your meaning at first. For writing a book, however, it means exactly what you think it does. (At least, literally.)
I think (and this is strictly opinion) that you would say "pliability" of the human mind. It's more commonly used as implying the ease in which a mind can be bent in one direction or another. "I plied him with drinks" is a common use of the verb. "Plasticity of the brain", discussing it as a physical thing would be a better use of "plasticity". If you mean easily mutable, you could even use "fickle" (if you mean weak), "flexible" (if you mean adaptable in a positive way), "wishy-washy", etc.
"Plastic" will be taken as a noun by most English speakers, even though by all rights you should be able to construct that sentence and have it mean what you want. I'd stick with "pliable", the better modifying adverb being "extremely". "Extremely pliable" just sounds cool.
Saint Will: no gyration without funkstification.
fabulae! nil satis firmi video quam ob rem accipere hunc mi expediat metum. - Terence
There has only been one piece of fiction I could critique within a chapter. And I'll never read Tolkien again.
I posted a chapter to a novel myself awhile ago. Noone commented, but it might do something for you. Who knows? http://www.rationalresponders.com/awakening
Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.
No worries dude. I am also an amateur author so I tend to notice that type of thing myself. The fact is that you do not have a problem to gloss over so much as an opportunity to say something really cool about how the star drive works.
Also, you don't have to say it in all of the gory details in this installment. However, if you have an idea that can be developed further, you can provide just enough to hook your audience for later installments.
So the character interaction is where it is at for you. Well great, some of the most renowned authors in sci-fi use the technology to set the stage but then allow it to remain there while they tell a whopping great story. Frank Herbert's Dune series comes to mind as an example.
=
*Ignored again, Vastet begins to wonder...*
Enlightened Atheist, Gaming God.
I am not ignoring you. I just haven't had the time to put into a fair reading. Being Sunday, I can look at it now.
BTW, As I noted, I also am an author. I just started my own thread so we can all read each other's stuff. Here is the link:
http://www.rationalresponders.com/forum/16990
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OK, it sounds to me as if you have not really got the SU drive worked out just yet. I have toyed with how it might work and I have come up with an idea that I kind of like. Before I get to that however, I will say that this is your story and you can deal with it however you like. You can use my ideas or not as you see fit. Pretty much, feel free to take what I give you as an open source project.
OK, let me take the 13 minutes first.
Just for grins, let's say that this jump is going to take 13 minutes. Other jumps take different amounts of time. The points that I think relevant is that jumps are a huge source of stress and you have a ship full of first time jumpers. So you would not want to put them through a jump that a veteran space traveler could handle easily.
As far as what is so bad about the SU drive, that needs a physical mechanism to describe. In your first post, you called it “sub-universe” but if you want to take a hard sci-fi approach, it might be better to go with “super universe”. Allow me to expound:
At the bleeding edge of current science, there is an idea that what we call the universe is actually embedded in some greater reality. Don't bother speculating on that too much as there are many competing ideas of what that means. Simply accept that such is the case.
This gives you a good reason why the ship has to turn around once it reaches the place where it begins the SU part of the trip. Basically, the SU drive can be switched on anywhere in space but that would be pointless unless you happen to be in the right place to get where you are going.
So you spend a few weeks getting to the jump point and then you have to point the ship in the direction of travel before activating the SU drive.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Well, that doesn't speak all that much to the physical model that I have in mind but it is pretty much the consequences of the SU drive that I have come up with. I will give you more if you ask for it. However, there is a certain joy in creating and I would not want to take that from you. Also, you could easily run with the little bit that I have come up with and think of stuff that I have not.
I could easily work up stories based on my idea of the SU drive but I would be interested in seeing what you come up with to see if that might make my idea even better.
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Hi Gene and Vastet. Thanks for reading and feedbacking <--- Made up word.
I'll comment on both your posts sometime this week. I wanna make sure I have the time to give a thought out answer.
Meanwhile Gene, here's the second half of the still-not-finished short story (which isn't half, by the way, it's more like a third or a fourth). This is all I've written so far, and in this second half (which in my oppinion gets less and less well written, which I think is partly why I got stuck) I expend on the SU stuff. Read through it and see what you think.
Inside his pod Alexander was once again cast into the oblivion of sub-universe travel. As the indescribable and allincompasing pain washed over his body he tried to concentrate on the thought that had occurred to him just before the ship had made the final countdown to the jump: a tiny flicker of hope that maybe his life did have a purpose; that as a soldier he would help end the terrible war that had raged on throughout the galaxy for almost 11 years.
But the pain was mind numbing and the thought gave him little comfort. He knew that even if the war was to end, his role in that happening would be so minute as to be completely irrelevant. His eyes saw nothing but the hazy, shifting rainbow colours of the sub universe, and he could not feel the inside of the pod against his body; the pain ran through his entire nervoussystem, drowning out any sence of touch.
Time had no meaning in the sub universe, and though he tried to collect his thoughts around the notion of duration he had no idea whether it had been thirty seconds, thirty minutes or even thirty days since the jump had commenced. Of course, he knew it would never take more than 13,016947 minutes, no matter how far they were going. Since time had no meaning on the underside of realspace, there was no connection between distance and traveltime. 13,016947 minutes was simply the time it took to displace a spaceship from one predefined space to another when using the fusion driven S.U engines of Earth.
He though of their destination: the Ydram system: an outpost of the hated enemy of the Kingdom of Earth: the Recidivists. Ydram IV had been the sight of an ongoing campaign of invasion which had so far taken more than five months. The Vanguard had been called in as support for the fleet already present in the system, running interferance over the planet, intercepting anyone trying to escape.
It would take them almost a month to reach orbit over the planet, but at least they would be back in the fray. The only time Alexander could forget the empty feeling that haunted his every waking hour, was when he could focus on the chaos of warfare. As the unrelenting pain tore at his nerves he felt a flash of that feeling: the split-second desitions, the intense adrenalin rush. He may have smiled just then, perhaps he was even laughing; defiantly cackling in the face of the tormenting horror of the sub universe.
And then, as suddenly as they had appeared, the shifting colours in front of his eyes vanished. His eyes were so watered that he could see nothing but a dark, red blur in front of him. He was coughing violently, and his right hand scrampled for the controlpanel to open the pod lid in front of him. His suddenly realised the P.A was speaking: “...to battlestations. Unidentified spacecraft on a direct intercept course. Repeat: All hands to battlestations.”
Alexander found the release and stumpled out of the pod, still coughing. He heard the vail of claxons, and everything around him was a pandemonium, as the junior crew members where coming out of their pods after their first ever jump, screaming, crying and throwing up. A Petty Officer was stumbling down the walkway between the pods, shouting at the terrified juniors: “Come on you surface lubbers! You heard it! Shake it off and get to your stations!” His voice was strong, but his still naked body was bathed in sweat, and his eyes where sunken and red.
Alexander saw the young woman he had noticed before the jump lying on all fours in front of her pod. Her long blond hair was partially fused into the skin on her back, and she had ripped bloody chunks of skin and hair from her scalp and back as she had moved her head. He quickly opened his locker and found his knife there, went over to her and grapped her hair in one hand, cutting it short with three blunt strokes of the blade.
Looking sharply at her he barked: “Always wear your hair up in your pod! You know the procedure, how could you forget? Get dressed and get to your station! Quickly!” He hefted her up with a hand in her armpit and turned away from her. “Thank you Lieutenant...” he heard her stammer behind him. He opened his locker again, and got dressed in a hurry. Then he ran towards the transittube that would take him to the forward gun decks.
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
There are minor English errors, but I'm going to ignore them and focus on the 'stuck' aspect. The English stuff is easy to fix.
It is strange that, when it only takes 13 minutes + a few weeks of shuttling time to travel many light-years, that people would see the universe as vast and disconnected. Perhaps this is Barain's own pessimism? Maybe the energy cost of SU travelling is extremely high, and so is only rarely done?
Good imagery, I think this and the scene with the woman are the best parts of the story so far. I like how you tie in some relevant science without overloading it with technical terms. Keeping it at a simple but accurate level of understanding. Not as easy to do as it sounds.
I especially like how he tries to push his hands together. It gives a sense of cognitive dissonance and dread: What if all I know is just an illusion, and I'm barely even here at all?
This section contains a lot of 'boiler plate' SF stuff. You're spending multiple paragraphs explaining the ins and outs of SU jump preparation. If that is not the main focus of your story, then I would reduce this as much as possible. When you're writing a short story, you need to take advantage of the cliches rather than repeat them. Everyone knows you have to get in a special pod/suit or whatever to make a jump, and maybe you'll be put to sleep or maybe you have to take a drug. These are all trivia. It's only important when HAL turns off the life-support of some people, or when Ripley has to shoot the alien out of the airlock first.
If your story is about the feelings and thoughts of Barain, then all the other stuff is just peripheral. Currently your story is made of about 50% boilerplate.
It could be that you want to use the preparation to give little details about how isolated and alone Barain is, partly because of his environment. In that case, you may want to stretch out the preparations, but in that case you should be focusing on Barain's inner thoughts rather than external things that happen, such as the P.A. system and the other recruits running around and stuff. If Barain is so isolated, then those things should be barely noticeable to him. He's 'done it all before' so to speak, and this fits with the fact that in your story you are leaving out all the parts that have been 'done before'.
This seems like it might be relevant to the upcoming story. A bit of foreshadowing, perhaps?
More boilerplate.
This is good. A bit of flavour about how out-of-touch he is.
Some nice visuals here, but again, mostly boilerplate.
Now, about being stuck: So far, you have a depressed soldier who goes on a star jump. That's a scene, but it's not really much in terms of story. Do you have ideas about how this all gets resolved in the end? Do you have some crisis that he must face? Or is this basically just a starting point, and you're not sure where it's going?
Do you have an outline for the story? I think this would help you a lot to get unstuck. What is it you're trying to communicate with the entire story? Is it a particular feeling or mood? If so, what feeling, what mood? What scene ideas do you have that would convey that feeling/mood? Is it a particular idea or moral or philosophy? If so, what idea? What roles do the characters and conflicts play in demonstrating the idea? How does the story end? Is the ending something that completes the mood/idea, or does it leave it open and unfinished? Is the story just for entertainment? If so, what are some interesting/entertaining scenes you can imagine?
About short stories: In a novel, it is expected that you might need to have many layers: Setting, mood, characters, plot, theme, etc. But in a short story, you only have a limited number of words to work with. I think most short SF stories are less than 20 pages (<10,000 words) and you should shoot for about 10 pages or less (approx. 5000 words) because longer stories tend not to get read as much.
Therefore, short stories can usually only afford to emphasize one or two different elements, such as character/plot, or character/mood, or plot/theme, or whatever. If I'm not mistaken, it appears you want to focus on character and mood. Therefore, setting, plot, theme, and other elements have to take back-seat to character and mood. In fact, you would use them to *support* your exploration of character and mood.
While this approach may appear to be limiting to your creativity, in fact it allows you to identify the main focus of the story and then put all the other elements into place in support of that main focus.
So, if your story is intended to be about character and mood, then the plot, setting, theme, etc. all become elements that support your character and the mood. Now all you have to do is figure out what you want your character and mood to be like and that will help you identify how to develop the setting and plot and whatnot.
For example, if you want your mood to be about human disconnection, then your setting should isolate your character(s), your plot should place your character in an isolating situation, and your theme should be about the various ways in which a person can be disconnected. Of course, this is just a tool to help you get unstuck, not a formula for how you *must* write your story. But it can be very helpful, in my experience.
So, with all that said, my main suggestion would be to spend more time exploring Barain's thoughts and feelings in regard to whatever plot will get him into a situation where he has to confront his self-isolation from other people, and his disconnection from *himself*. Add maybe one or two other characters who demonstrate or contrast different ways people can become isolated. Decide on a conflict and a resolution to that conflict which either turns out to solve Barain's situation, or to destroy him. Perhaps he gets in a battle and nearly dies, with no one around to save him. Perhaps he meets someone who exemplifies connectedness, and finds himself hating that person. Perhaps an old friend or family member turns up unexpectedly.
But mostly, I would say that it would be better to eliminate the boiler plate stuff, use cliches to your advantage to 'fill in the blanks' so to speak, and get right into the heart of your story in just a few paragraphs rather than 20.
(All of the above is my opinion only. Your story is your story, and I do not presume to know how it should be written. These are merely suggestions.)
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OK, I have been thinking on the matter for several days. I find the above to be rather confusing.
If a non-traveling observer was to watch an SU ship go somewhere and come back, then perhaps that trip takes 26 minutes (possibly with some extra time that is allowed for while the engines recharge for a second jump). The first issue being what happens to clocks on the ship that is making the jumps?
A second issue is that if time has no meaning, then what is the deal with all of the internal thought processes and the hallucinations? Surely those require the passage of time.
One possible out on this would be to say that our protagonist grunt simply does not know or care how the SU engines work. He leaves that detail to the pointy headed physicists and engineers that make it happen.
His motivation would probably be to wade into battle and get his game on. That would be consistent with how he reacted to the woman who caught her hair in whatever she did. When he gets his adrenaline rush going, well that is the only time when he really feels alive. The rest of the time he feels like he is in some type of mental fog waiting for the next time that he can do what he does best.
Perhaps his perception of time is altered by the drug that he takes before the jump. Also, possibly the drug is required because of whatever happens during the time when the SU engine is building up to whatever it is that it does?
As far as what the engine really does, if there is no variable for how long it takes to jump, then it really does not make a lot of sense to think of traveling in the same sense as driving down a road (ie. You get there in half the time if your speed is double some baseline).
As it happens, there is a nice way to get around this. You can use what is known as an “Einstein Rosen bridge”. One popular term for the same is a wormhole but it would be better to avoid that as most of science fiction gets the concept horribly wrong. It is not some type of tunnel that takes some amount of time to pass through. If the really did/do exist, then they would be more like a door. It takes a trivial amount of time to step through one but the two sides would be separated by some arbitrary distance. If it helps, imagine that you step through your front door in Denmark but the other side is in Alabama.
If you do something like that, then you can say that on the level that the protagonist does not really understand, the 13 minutes is really the time that it takes for the SU engine to set up the effect. Current thinking is that such a system would require the presence of something called “negative mass” to hold the doorway open long enough for a ship to pass through. Perhaps the mere presence of such an exotic substance causes some sort of local effect that is a problem for living creatures.
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Dont suppose you have any more reading material to supply us with, Niko?