Help! Am I losing my husband, or is he already gone?
Offline Please, I am desperate for anybody's help.
My Husband and I have been married for almost 3 yrs. 6 months after we were married, I started finding all these little religious pamphlets and mini-books and magazines in our house. When I confronted him about them he would blow it off, say he thought a single article was interesting, or claim that someone gave it to him and he just happened to bring it home but that it wasn't really something he was interested in. We moved to a new home a year ago, and I had to do most of the packing while he worked. Wanting to downsize his massive collection of books, I carefully went through them all as I packed. I had to throw away two banana boxes FULL of Christian, Mormon and Jehovah's Witness based so-called self help books. I even found a couple that were how to go about raising your children for Christ. We have two little boys.
Since we began dating, he never mentioned religion in a positive way. Being very open about my non-belief, I talked with him many many times about religion and he always agreed with me on every point we ever discussed. We agreed at the birth of our first son that religion would be something best left out of the home and agreed that our children should be allowed to grow up religion-free and make informed choices as adults.
Earlier this year I found a book he'd been reading entitled "God's Final Witness: 2008" by "Dr." Ronald Weinland. After reading the first five pages, I knew this guy was a total fraud. I just about fell out of my chair. I confronted him with it when he got home from work that night, and he told me he had "found this website" and ordered it--it was free. He told me he thought it was an interesting book and was enjoying reading it. I couldn't believe my ears. I asked him what precisely was so interesting about a total lunatic claiming to be a mouthpiece for "God"? He couldn't give me a straight answer. Then he just didn't want to talk about it. He started bringing home more religious books, but hid them from me in the bottom/back of the bookcase. I keep getting rid of them. The next time I came across "Dr" Weinland's book, I asked if he was done with it and asked if he minded if I threw it away. He acted like he didn't care and said "sure." So I did. Then for the longest time, nothing--or so I thought. It just took a while before I came across other hiding places for his religious crap. Finally, yesterday I went to sign into hotmail and his was already signed in. At first I thought it was mine... but there were over four thousand emails! I started sifting through them and discovered that most of them are subscriptions to religious sites of all kinds. I looked only at the e-mails that he had opened, which included letters from "Our Prayer" online, "Prime Time with God" and perhaps the most odd, a bunch of e-mails from an internet dating site for married people who would like to have an affair. The most disturbing of all of this to me is not necessarily the dating service, but the letter I found that he had written to Ron Weinland at the Church of God website:
-----Original Message-----
From: J B.
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tue, 3 Feb 2009 5:05 am
Subject: Truth
But after a while, I stopped going. I think once, I truly felt the presence of God, and that was when a woman I loved was filled with the Holy Spirit, or so I was told. I was blown away and felt electrified, but knew I was not the object or focus of that energy, only within a radius that would feel its effect. In the fullness of time, I may be shown to be wrong. I'm honestly not sure. Other than that, I felt like a spectator, watching something happen on TV that many people seemed to be genuinely involved in, but I could not touch it. I felt like I was praying to something that was remote and indifferent, despite many assurances that God was intimately involved in everyone's life, and, to paraphrase Scripture of which I'm unsure the chapter and verse, that if a sparrow is not unnoticed as it falls from its nest, how much more care and love will God have for me, who is of much higher value than a bird. And that God desires fellowship with me and that He is just and faithful to forgive and cleanse from all unrighteousness, and is pleased to give us the Kingdom, and anything we ask in Jesus's name will come to pass, knock and the door will be opened, cast all your cares upon God, come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. To me, much was conflicting, and I put it down to imperfect humanity trying to do the will of God and explain with faulty and partial knowledge the things of the Infinite. That pacified me enough. I thought the things of God were not to be known and I should just obey. Fine. But I actually wanted a relationship, a best friend, a confidant, but how do you reconcile fearing God Almighty, who by word alone called into being everything that exists, including me and my faculties to function and seek God, with someone who desires to be closer than anything else possible? I didn't, and to a great extent, still don't. Then, after reading your books, I was convicted and felt like something entered into me, from my back, and also from the front, not surrounded, but simultaneously, if that makes sense, and I felt awake and a clarity I never knew existed until I realized how blind and ignorant I've always been. I am proud and self-righteous and right
If there were a way to convey spitting that word right, I would do so, but for now, I hope italicizing is sufficient. I felt almost drugged, but lucid. I was eerily calm, but not afraid or worries. It was as if the world was silent, and I could finally hear what it is that ears were created for. I wanted, genuinely, unreservedly, to do God's will, for the first time, instead of reluctantly, because I was taught to, because it was right and good and what God wanted, or because I thought I did, but still wanted to cling to my own ideas and compartmentalize God into a little box that I would open everytime I wanted a wish granted. How arrogant we are! Why does not God strike us down for even thinking we could contain Him, or control Him? Greatest love and patience and mercy and other things I couldn't even describe, I think. Then I wondered who I've been praying to all my life. I mostly prayed in my head, to an idea of what I thought was God, rationalizing that if God is omnipresent, He can be in my head to pray to. This may be grossly inaccurate, but I felt I was communing with God, like there was an invisible third party in every interaction and every event or action or thought in my life. I don't know if I prayed to God or something else, but I'm seriously questioning it. On one occasion, at the store I work at (I'm a produce employee) a woman dropped dead in my department. Literally, she coded, no heartbeat, nothing. For ten minutes or so. I was so shocked and wanted to help, to get in there and open her airway, just DO SOMETHING, anything, to help. And I felt so small, so weak, so inept, so humble, so not-in-control. The paramedics got there and began working on her, but there seemed no way she'd come back. I prayed probably the most earnest prayer I've ever uttered, which was 'Lord Jesus, wake her up." Over and over. A few moments after that, someone came in and said they'd got a heartbeat. I was SOOO relieved. I don't know if I did that, by my prayer, or someone else was praying, or whether it was just the diligent work of an EMT, or if it was just luck. Whatever it was, she came back. It was indeed20a miracle. It was amazing. I want to know what part, if any, I played in that. I don't know why I share this with you, for I don't think you're the one to answer it, or maybe you are, or maybe you can at least appreciate the story, I don't know, really. But now I feel prayer is something I need to discover, or rediscover, or something. Everything you've written makes sense to me, fills in so many gaps I've longed to find. Where do I go from here? I need to talk to you. I want to meet you someday. I will sit at your feet, not to or in worship, but to learn from a prophet. I don't know how or what, but I feel like this is something I MUST do. Like it fills my immediate future and crowds out everything else. Does that sound strange? Possibly. Probably. I believe you are telling the truth and I know God speaks through you. I'm certain of it. I would greatly appreciate a response from you, and any advice or wisdom you feel led to share with me, beyond what it in your books.
Thank you for your time.
Now, at last, I think I've been shown the answer to what I've been seeking.
Sincerely
I removed my husband's name here, of course. Now that I have posted all of this, is there anything I can do? Should I just file for divorce and accept that I have lost my husband? Did I never really have him in the first place?
Please, anything anyone can suggest would be appreciated. I feel so helpless right now.
Christina.
- Login to post comments
Dump him, find someone secular.
And somebody who uses paragraphs.
The fact that she even came to us, proves just how hopeless it really is...
Welcome to the forum.
I'm not really sure how to help you with your situation. I suppose, if I were you, I would keep on trying to talk to him. But, from what he's written in his email, it sounds like he's been struggling with this for many years without telling anyone. He also seems to trust the author of this stupid book more than you.
This is infuriating. If I was there, I would have performed CPR. Plus, he can't even decide whether the woman came back to life because he prayed or because the paramedics resuscitated her. It seems like he wants to believe so badly that he doesn't even understand himself anymore. I felt like that too, once upon a time.
I'm sorry.
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, | As I foretold you, were all spirits, and | Are melted into air, into thin air; | And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, | The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, | The solemn temples, the great globe itself, - Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, | And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, | Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff | As dreams are made on, and our little life | Is rounded with a sleep. - Shakespeare
Your husband shows a lot more interest in his new found imaginary friend and that minister then in his wife and kids. It's time to cut your loses and move on. I've been divorced twice so I do know about the agrevation I am adviseing. Otherwise you can stay in a bad marrige and watch the soon-to-be ex-husband lavish all his love and attention on his J.C.cult.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Is a banana box a box shaped like a banana or a box for bananes?
Do you still love him?
Does he still love you?
Is he hurting you?
Could you both at least come to the agreement that he not LIE about his interest / belief anymore?
If anything~ the lying would piss me off the most~ enough to end it.
Slowly building a blog at ~
http://obsidianwords.wordpress.com/
LOL a banana box is one of those large boxes that bananas are shipped to grocery stores in. They're pretty damn big to fill two of them full of stupid books like 'the purpose driven life,' 'Christian! Who do you think you are?' and other stupid shit.
He says he still loves me, but I don't see how he can claim to respect me when he hides all this from me. I love him, but do not feel that I am *in love* with him anymore. Most of the time I'm thinking what an idiot he is... you can't be attracted to someone you're thinking that way about. He does not hurt me physically, no. But the way I am always burning up with anger and confusion about WHY he is acting this way is eating me away just as much as his 'searching' has apparently been eating him away. We did come to the agreement months ago that a) he not lie and hide his belief anymore, and b) he not bring home any kind of religious books or magazines. I told him if he wants so desperately to read and understand the bible, he needs to actually sit down and start reading it from cover to cover. He has never, ever done that and doesn't seem to be interested in it. He reads only books that offer their own interpretation of the bible, books that TELL HIM how to interpret rather than reading and attempting to come to his own conclusions. And yes, the LYING is my big thing. I have dealt with far too many liars in my life. I don't want to be married to one!
A long time ago, I married someone I loved. She was Christian, but at least she was upfront about it. She was A Very Devout Christian. Fundamentalist, some might say. We had a child, a very lovely and lively little girl. After three years of marriage, I couldn't take it any more.
There's something about belief that poisons a relationship. I still care about her, even though our daughter is 21 and visiting me for the summer with her first boyfriend. Here I am thinking, "At my daughter's age, we were married and had a kid."
I don't offer advice. If I do that, and it goes badly, you'll be showing up on my doorstep saying, "You gotta give me a place to stay! I was only following your advice." I can only tell you what I've found. I am much happer now, 17 years later. Actually, I was much happier after only a couple of years. I met someone whom I can respect, and can respect me. My daughter likes to visit during the summer. Life is just better.
That sort of difference is a jail for both of you. Neither of you can be yourself as long as that distance exists between you.
Talk about it, though. Don't let him go without getting his honest side of the story.
And that's the advice I don't offer.
"Yes, I seriously believe that consciousness is a product of a natural process. I find that the neuroscientists, psychologists, and philosophers who proceed from that premise are the ones who are actually making useful contributions to our understanding of the mind." - PZ Myers
As for my knowledge of psychology, try to not overwhelm him with your anger and reproaching, he might separate himself from you even more. Let him know how you feel and why, present it as your problem, men like to solve problems, but they do not like to be accused.
Quote: Oh, shit. He's got the 'striking' phase 
No sane person could write the 'strike', 'love' and 'mercy' words so close to each other.
Quote: This story is getting very sad.
What about giving him a challenge of rationally explaining his newly found religion? Men like challenges. Or who will manage to read the whole Bible first? Specially the bloody and dirty pages.
I was recently in a conversation with a JW. My argument that got her into defensive was a need to objectively examine world's major religions through a comparative questioning method, like the policemen do it. The things with which they all agree upon are most probably true, which is not many. The defense of the JW was, that I shouldn't only search for a bad things on religion, but also see the good. But, well, there is a plenty of good things also in other religions and movements. The point is, try to stay detached, calm, and find out what the hell has a married people's dating site to do with the upcoming Apocalypse.
There is nothing wrong with his curiosity about the purpose of life. What I find terrifying about your husband are his very low demands on the quality of information he receives. He seems to be driven emotionally, what feels good, regardless if that gives sense together. The truth will maybe make you free, but first it will make you really angry. He skipped the angry phase. He was an atheist because of a lack of religion, not because of an immunity to it. This means that he already was like that, just waiting for a fraud to catch his attention.
Whatever you do, if you let him go, get apart in a friendly, peaceful way! The way in which you part, will largely influence the way how do you recognize your potential next love. A divorce full of bitterness will only take you into another unbalanced relationship, though perhaps unbalanced in a different way.
Beings who deserve worship don't demand it. Beings who demand worship don't deserve it.
He was an atheist because of a lack of religion, not because of an immunity to it. This means that he already was like that, just waiting for a fraud to catch his attention.
*When I threw out those two huge boxes full of books, we had an argument about religion then. I mentioned that I couldn't believe that after almost four years of consistent non-religion he was turning all Christian on me! His reply was that he has *always* felt that way, and was "raised" to be a Christian. I contacted his brother then, and his brother said that their father and grandparents had taken them to church a bit when they were children, but other than that he did not see them as having been "raised Christian." His brother is an atheist. After reading this letter, my brother in law has stated that he is VERY concerned, and has also stated that my husband reminds him a lot of their schizophrenic grandmother.
I
[
Being divorced myself, I can attest that is good advice. No doubt it hurt when she told me she wanted to leave, but the bottem line is that when things change, they change, and wrather than make it worse by being bitter, you can accept reality and get along alot better.
I still care about my x and e-mail her or call her to make sure she is doing well.
In any case, none of us here are your advisers and only you can determine what is right for you. It sounds from your posts that you are not going to be happy if things continue the way they are. Thearapy from a relationship speciallist might help. The bottem line is to find a way, either way, stay or go, that you both get along whatever you decide.
My x did what she had to do to stay happy and I would have no right to expect her to stay if she didn't want to. Again, this is not advice to stay or go, but insight as to your own mental happyness being important.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
Ronald Weinland has already been thoroughy debunked.
Save yourself 10% of your income.
Visit dontdrinktheflavoraid.blogspot.com
and this history: ronaldweinland.info
and
ronaldweinlandtheprophetwhofailed.blogspot.com
Dill Weed