The Doubt

Earlier I mentioned how I became more interested in befriending Blacks and learning about the history of civil rights ect.

I learned about Emmit Till, Medger Evers, Rosa Parks and so on and loved the PBS series Eyes on the Prize that taught me about the struggle for civil rights and the hostilities that arose from them...the 50's and 60's without question was a tumultous time yet it was also instrumental in the strides that we as a nation overcame to get us to this day and age where we finally can have an African American President irregardless of your dissertation of his presidency and prejudices you may have towards him and how he is handling his duties!

For me I hated the word nigger and tried to learn the origin of the word...I was the white guy who would be among my friends and as they would refer to each other as my nigga..i was the one that intervened and would try to educate my brothers on not using the word because to do so would be slap in the face of the women and men who died under this malicious moniker of Hate!

Now you know where my heart was at for most of my life....and dealing with my own family of bigots that wanted not to socialize with me for this....I too felt like an outcast among my own peers. In fact, when I was in the 6th grade, I was the most picked on kid in school by my own white brethren...what a joke....but one day as I was in class drawing sitting next to this black kid who I didn't know that well but he liked to draw too. Anyway a white kid walked behind me and said something insulting to which Joe I believe was his name turned to me and said "If you want me and my brothers will take up for you"...I didn't think much of that then but as I got older I think it was this subtle act of kindness that endeared me to black people......

Needless to say I got into hip hop, rapped, breakdanced...sort of, and to this day still at 42 I love this music...some of it just like say a baby boomer loves classic rock, or Kiss or whatever....

Fast Forward.

I don't read the bible much because I am aware of all the translations and versions and He said she said crap that people like to point out as contradictions in the Holy Word..so in my relationship with God I let Him direct me to what He wants me to know or learn since I don't trust man.

Case in point of Why I believe in God!

After my mom had passed away I eventually got a job at nokia. I use to work 12 hour shifts. 6:30pm to 6:30am. I had befriended a black Christian there but one night me and him got into a heated theological debate. So heated, I was in fact, angry! How angry? That following morning as we were getting off work...and getting in my car to head home..from the moment I turned the ignition until I got home I was saying in maching gun fashion...nigganigganigganigganiggafefoIhateniggas...allthe way home!!! As I pulled into my parking space and turned off the car ...I just sat there crying and upset..UPSET at GOD....I was angry...ANGRY...and as I was crying I told GOD ,I am done with you, no more...I don't believe in you anymore...How could you let me become the very thing I have despised my entire life and argued with family members and others for so long and now I see they were right...I'm done with you! As I was saying this I was crying hard!

I eventually made my way up to the apartment and once inside...I picked up my bible. I said if you want me to continue to believe in you then show me..basically. I was not looking for it. Neither in the concordance or index or whatever..I was going to let God reveal to me himself and if He didn't that was going to be it for me. PERIOD. When I opened the Bible ,I let the pages fall where they may. Then my eyes looked right at a scripture. I wasn't reading from top to bottom. I wasn't scanning for something to stand out. It was just boom! I opened the book and my eyes went right to the scripture. (It was a long time ago to remember the exact words and when I find it again I' will share that with you all) but it basically said

-There will be times when you will doubt me, but I will always be there!!! -

Suddenly I felt a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders...I was like wow...that was cool...I said immediately..I was sorry and thank you Father for showing me..

Later that night as I went back to work...I went up to the gentleman with whom just 24 hours earlier I had hated in my heart and made peace with him...I told him I was sorry for arguing God's word and as Christian brethren we shouldn't do that. He also apologized to me as well.

After work as we were both leaving to go home. As I was driving, I saw the most awe inspiring sunrise I had ever seen in my life..No camera could have captured this beauty and done it justice. No Davinci, Rembrandt, Michaelangelo, no one could've painted a more inspiring piece of art it was just that beautiful...trust me you have not got a clue and I am sure many of you have seen wonderful sunrises and awesome sunsets...but this was the Mother of them all. I couldn't even focus on the road to get home...how I did is beyond me. When I got home , I rushed up stairs to let my dog do her thing and I rushed her to get back inside when she was done so I could focus on this sunrise....It was truly Awe inspiring to say the least.

Later that night when I went back to work I wanted to know if this was just a figment of my imagination or grand delusion. I went over to the gentleman who just 48 hrs earlier I hated in my heart, and 24 hrs earlier I made peace with. As I went up to him , I didn't want to lead him or give any clue to what i was talking about, heck for all he knew I might be asking about something I saw on T.V. or maybe a wreck on the side of the road...I was going to be as vague as I could. Yo bro, I said, did you see what I saw....his reply

You mean that sunrise!

May not mean anything to you guys....but that was an incredible, magnificent moment in my life because, God showed me his word and because I had done what the bible tells us to do when we are angry with our brothers to make peace with them and that sunrise was God's way of saying it's okay...it's okay!