If I were your dad - which by Jove I hope that I'm not - I'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

What's the deal? That you're disappointed with his lack of perfection? Well fuck you, halo kid.

WTF do you know about life? I am totally on your father's side in this issue, based upon what you wrote.

I will only ask you to consider this: It's better to regret what you did than what you didn't.

(As you get older, that will make all the sense in the world to you.)

I met my dad once.

If he is offering his hand out, I would at least give him a chance. Not everyone gets that opportunity.

I got everything on the table.  The problem is, what's next?  I don't really feel like saying much more, but he keeps emailing me?  He's very strange, and a little nuts.  Once the police called my sister's house when I was 18 asking if a Marcel was our father.  He was at the police station in Powel River making a big scene sayin I was kidnapped or something.  The police lady on the phone asked my sister if he was a little off, they calmed him down and saw him the door.  I can't help but be wierded out by this guy.  His violence may have mellowed out I don't know, but his crazy surely hasn't I can see from his emails.   

On the one hand, he's your father, and he'll always be your father, and you only get one father. On the other hand, that's no guarantee that your father can't be an enormous douchebag.

While the latter is true, don't let that blind you to the former.

Without much info to go on, I would recommend at the very least keeping tabs on him, so you have some sense of where he is and what's going on with him. Just so you know whether he's alive or dead, mentally competent or mentally ill, that kind of thing. That way at least you will have important information which may be relevant to you in the future, such as hereditary medical conditions (you mentioned bipolar, right?), etc.

The next level beyond that would be 'keeping the lines of communication open'. Just minimal contact, like a yearly birthday card, or a phone call or something. The purpose of this is that things may eventually change, and he may come to some semblance of sense, and if you're in contact, then a relationship can be repaired or rebuilt from scratch.

The next level might be an attempt to slowly re-normalize the relationship, which would involve you getting your grievances aired, and seeing if he's willing to play ball and try to reconcile.

The next level after that might be active reconciliation. If he's feeling guilty, he might be looking to atone for his past issues. If so, it might be worth the risk to let him try, and see where it goes. Best case scenario, he starts to come around and take responsibility for his past, and begin building a relationship again.

Etc.

I think the key at this point is to take an arms-length approach. Protect yourself first. Don't let him barge into your life and start messing with it. If he's bipolar, it is notoriously difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who has bipolar. Like serious alcoholism, the bipolar comes to dominate the relationship. If he's hurt you and your sister in the past, it will probably be very hard to re-establish a relationship with him having bipolar, unless he's getting effective treatment for it; the emotional triggers are probably deep, and an outbreak of mania will probably mess with your heads pretty badly.

On the other hand, something good may come of it. You never know. Take your time, test the waters. If he's trying to contact you, there's probably a reason. Find out what it is. It could be douchebaggery, but it could be sincere.

Definitely, though, you need to start with what *you* want out of it, and whether you're willing to risk it. For instance, you may want to get some stuff off your chest and you may be open to reconciliation, but you don't want to risk him messing up your life at the same time. In that case, you might be willing to meet with him at a neutral location, prepare some stuff you want to bring up to get off your chest, and be willing to listen to his side of things, but to protect yourself you could set a time limit on the meeting and tell yourself not to get sucked in to his world, and also if he shows any signs of anger or violence that you will cut the meeting short and simply leave. The point is that you have to decide what you're comfortable with, and prepare your boundaries ahead of time so you're not caught off guard by whatever emotional stuff that might pop up unexpectedly (he is your dad, after all, there's got to be some emotion there, even if it's buried deep). By starting from what *you* want, rather than trying to figure out what 'the right thing' to do is, you are more likely to get a positive result.

You have the upper hand here. You are currently independent of him, and he appears to be the one trying to make contact. It is your choice whether to allow that or not, whether to proceed or withdraw. There are possible benefits and risks. But you're in control of how to weigh those options. Don't concern yourself with 'the right thing' or doing anything for his sake. If you're going to try to make contact, it should be because that's what you want for yourself. With that in mind, it should be easier to figure out how you want to handle it.

I've heard of these kinds of situations going either way. Sometimes the relationship can be recovered, and even blossom. Other times, the damage is too deep or the mental illness too overwhelming or the religious craziness too crazy. Decide what you want, protect yourself first, and go from there.

There's no great rush. Why not just email each other and talk about your feelings and just see? He obviously still feels connected to you and under your anger and resentment it's obviously at least a bit mutual. Don't hurry over this one. And talk to people closer to you than we are. Talk to mum and sis and your mates. And maybe a counselor something. You only get one dad. You'll wind up fathering the bastard one way or another - even if just in your head. Of course, if after getting a feel for the man you want to stay hands off, make that decision.

I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can tell you what happened to me.  My dad is an alcoholic - not recovering.  Not now, not then, probably not ever.  He was not bad to live with when I was a child.  Largely not there for us emotionally and often not physically.  I have some very strange memories of playing around the local VFW bar while he drank.  And then my mom hitting the roof when I told her where we were.

To keep it short, when they divorced, I was old enough to refuse to visit him.  And I didn't.  My sister did the parental visits as a child and kept in touch when she was an adult.  With the encouragement of my husband, I got back in touch with my dad.  Less than a year later, I changed my phone number and told my sister to never again give it to my dad.

Am I glad I made the effort?  Yes.  Am I glad I cut off all further contact?  Yes.  I can not deal with his problems.  I can not fix them.  I am glad I was able to rediscover this as an adult.  I could have joined one of the support groups for families of alcoholics, but for me it just wasn't worth the continuing hassle.

You have to do what is right for you but my recommendation is to always protect yourself.  Get counseling or support if you need it.  This site looks good: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.

If what you said about being bipolar/manic depressive is accurate, then look no further than that to clear up your confusion. It is one of the most severe mental illnesses, and one of the most damaging to personal relationships. He cannot control it, not at all. But that doesn't make it any less harmful to you. Bipolar is a physical brain condition, not simply a thinking pattern or habit like some milder forms of anxiety or depression. Even with medication, he won't be completely normal. I think I understand your user-name now.

You did not give him bipolar. You did not ask to be his son. It is not your responsibility. He was the adult and was the responsible party in your childhood. You don't owe him anything. If you feel that you want zero to do with him, and you're sure of that (e.g. you're sure you won't change your mind in the future), then the *right* thing to do *for you* is to have zero to do with him. Why torture yourself?

On the other hand, if you think that there may be something there worth salvaging in the future, then maybe it's just a matter of the shock of having him suddenly appearing out of nowhere, and maybe you'll be able to take him in small doses.

From this extra info you gave, it appears to me that he has serious bipolar, and maybe the reality of that has yet to sink in for you. He is likely to mess with your life if you let him get close. He is good deep down, and sincere, but the mental illness is too severe to allow for a healthy relationship. You may not be prepared to handle this yet. On the other hand, you might be able in the future to get something out of it.

I would probably take the 'keep the lines of communication open' approach for the short term, until the shock wears off and you have a better idea of what you really want (if anything) from a relationship with him. Start some counseling for yourself, if you aren't already, and begin confronting and learning how your family situation has shaped you and affected you. In this process, you'll probably start to learn a lot about yourself, and you may eventually decide you want to talk to your dad again, in small doses. If you've kept the lines of communication open, then you'll have this option later, when you're ready to do it on your terms.

While you're doing that, you can keep in touch with him from arm's length with a couple of emails a year, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Let him know whatever you feel comfortable telling him. E.g. if you want to rant, rant. If it's only 'happy birthday', that's fine too.

If even that is too much messing in your life, you can cut him off later. But I think it's too early to tell, from what you've said. Once the shock wears off, and if you get some decent counseling, you'll have a better idea of how you want to handle it. There's no rush, and the only 'right' thing is what you yourself want out of it. You are under no obligations to him at all.

IMHO.

My father can be a huge prick ~ when he is drinking ~ which is often - he is an alcoholic. He has been that way as long as I have memory. My mom, sisters and I would walk around on eggshells, waiting for someone to say the wrong thing and initiate a venom-spewing response from my dad. Verbally abusive, sometimes physically (often the threat was the name of the game) we all lived in a house where 90% of the time you felt unloved.

With that being said, I love my father.

He hasn't changed much...but I have! 

He knows he can't scare me, can't get a rise out of me, and has no control over me. Because I told him so. As a matter of fact, I told him that I forgave him for being such an uncaring, unavailable member of our family.

He has recognized that he can be awful when drinking and since he wants to be around his kids, will refrain from drinking during interactions.

If you feel safe and not threatened by your father, you should reach out to him. Maybe tell him he can communicate with you instead of your sister for now...see how things go?

My parents only used the term manic depressive to describe it, if it is the exact same disorder as bipolar then yes he was and was openly medicated for it.  He also has a skull fracture from a falling accident as a child before he was adopted, and was in a coma for a month.

I don't think I am, especially because I don't know enough about it, how severe it is, and whats really wrong with him.  All I remember as a kid is he would go way to far loving, awkward almost to non-loving and mean.  He was so over emotional that when he would feel love and happiness it was like amplified, too much he over did it, and the same went for anger and depression etc.. on the flip side.   He was all over the place and there was no predicting it.   

I'm not much for counseling, my family went when he left when I was 11, didn't much care for it all.  I'm sure there are much better shrinks than the terribly annoying lady we had, still I don't think that will be happining anytime soon. 

An alternative to professional counseling is to find a local support group for people with similar issues as what you're facing. I don't know of any specific ones for your situation, but you can probably find something by asking around if there's any group for people dealing with mentally-ill loved ones. Contact a local mental health service and see if they have any recommendations. It may not be specifically related to bipolar or even mental-health specifically, but just dealing with life and personal relationships in general.

The advantage of such groups is that they are free, low commitment, often anonymous, and you'll get to hear similar stories as yourself, as well as the chance to explore your own story in a non-judgmental atmosphere. Sometimes it's enough just to know you're not alone, by finding someone who's story is much like your own. Often, you'll learn a lot about yourself and your situation just by listening to others. And if you talk about your own stuff too, you'll learn a lot more about yourself.

If you're unsure what you want in your relationship with your dad, learning more about yourself, and the forces that shaped you, is essential. Otherwise, as Marquis hinted, you'll end up going by habit, and you got your habits from growing up in an unhealthy family, with unhealthy parents, so they're likely to be unhealthy habits. It's also essential for your future relationships, too. If you don't attempt to learn about yourself, those habits will usually run your life, automatically, and beneath your conscious awareness. Careful, in 30 years it might be you trying to contact your estranged son/daughter, wondering how it all fell apart so tragically. It happens more often than people like to admit, that they repeat the mistakes of their parents, even when they vowed never to let it happen. Better to start learning about yourself and your past sooner rather than later. IMHO.

1. If you have the emotional fortitude to cut him off if it goes badly, then cautiously reach out to him.  Or if you feel enough loyalty to put up with him even if it does go badly.

2. If you think you might get sucked into his chaos if things go badly, I would consider cutting him out.

You know yourself a lot better than we do, and that is what it boils down to.  For everyone's sake I hope you fit into option 1 because even if it goes badly you will feel better about yourself if you try.

Thanks to everyone for their 2 cents.  I think I'm going to keep him in my fake email account for now and keep it formal.  I was thinking more as a joke to invite him to the site change my pic and not tell enyone who he is.  Just to see what he's like, what he believes, and how he articulates it.  I don't really want to have extensive private conversations with him, but I am a little curious what he believes and how his head works, it woould be interesting.