Coping
Offline Well the last month has been kinda hectic in my neck of the woods, my girlfriend's mother found out that she has stage 4 lymphoma, and a really aggressive one to boot. In one week it spread to her spine and pancreas, she has soft cancer tissue in her nasal cavity, liver, kidneys, and stomach as well. So I have been playing a bit of counselor for her family, part rational thinker (of course most involved are emotionally distraught as this moved extremely quickly, from stage 1 to stage 4 in about 3 to 4 weeks) and of course peace maker at some points. Now all of this doesn't bother me, I tend to be the most optimistic person there is, even at a 20 percent chance of survival I am still the only one really that is upbeat that she is going to beat this. I applaud her husband for being there night and day and taking care of her, he has done a wonderful job, my girlfriend and her brother and sister for being there when they can which weekly and they take turns on the weekends so their dad can go home and relax.
My only real problem is the fact her extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) are really more of a pain in the ass to deal with because they are so overly religious, they don't help out at all, but they all want to pray for her, and that they are always praying for her, but no one is really helping out at all, some come visit, but most don't even bother to help out, which is frustrating. Her aunts have starting to come more because I got my GF to talk to them, so they are now bringing food to her father and washing his cloths for him. But the rest are starting to stir up shit mostly because my GF and I won't attend church for prayer sessions. I told them pretty much, pray all you want, actions speaks louder than words, and that their lack of help has been noted. I must admit that at this point, I should have kept my mouth shut due to the fact that I said this both in anger and exhaustion as we had barely 3 hours of sleep after a day of running around and trying to get things ready for my GF's mother....a 20 hour day.
So my question is really, has anyone else here dealt with overbearing, over opinionated family that believe prayer will solve anything, but don't lift a finger to help out the family in their time of need? At this point there is the aunts, and 2 cousins that I can honestly say that I respect for now helping out (ok the 2 cousins helped out from the beginning as did 1 aunt as they work at the hospital and have done a wonderful job at getting her in there as quickly as possible and with a private room)
With that said, I also find extremely frustrating the whole it's in god's hand and only god can help her......ummmm chemo and radiation plus a whole host of other drugs are what is breaking down the soft tissue tumors and helping her out not fucking god, last time I checked her kidneys didn't start just working by themselves, it was the chemo and drug therapy that broke the tumor cells that are now allowing her to have her kidneys functioning....not some non-existent god.
Well I just had to vent...thanks
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I know where your coming from, my mother has been battling ovarian cancer for the better part of a year now and while I'm lucky enough that my immediate family has been great support some of the cousins have been praying and since all the signs have been positive for a full recovery they take the credit. WTF, you don't even bother showing up at the hospital twenty miles from where you live when she has surgery and then claim your prayers created a "miracle" and she is still alive? When a family member is in real trouble you see everyones true colors. There are those that run and stick their heads in the sand, those that drop everything to help and the most annoying, those that pray about it and claim all the credit for doing nothing.
In a related story I had a Great Aunt who died 10 years ago and her son and daughter never even bothered to be at the hospital while she lay dieing for weeks, they were so sure their prayers would save her they didn't bother to fly up. I have not even heard one of them express regret for not being there. There is some loving christianity for you.
If, if a white man puts his arm around me voluntarily, that's brotherhood. But if you - if you hold a gun on him and make him embrace me and pretend to be friendly or brotherly toward me, then that's not brotherhood, that's hypocrisy.- Malcolm X
My mom spent almost a week in the hospital after a bought with pneumonia. The old lady in the bed next to her had family and friends every day pray with her and it was just like a black southern baptist tent revival with shouts of "phrase Jesus" for a half hour to an hour, or more.
And all I could think was how ironic it was that the nurse would pony up to the computer, type in some stuff, grab meds from the cabinet, and scan them "beep" , walk over to the women, "beep" scan her bar coded armband, and administer the medication.
Nice enough old lady, but damn I wanted to shout at her. If Jesus loves you so much and wants to protect you, why the fuck are you here?
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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Heya Mr. Canuck.... Vent away...
The only advice I can offer is that this is emotionally subjective for you, and that might effect how annoyed you become... But I know from reading you here that you are incredibly level headed...so my only suggestion (not knowing the rest of the players) is to try to think of how you'd advise someone else in your position who may not even have your intellectual capacity ... What would your Objective advice be?
Regardless... The whole situation sucks, even if everyone were on the same theistic page... Hang tough dude...Just know that the folks here have a lot of faith *in you*...
www.RichWoodsBlog.com
Thank you all for your responses
Rich, that's kinda my problem, I don't know how to respond to people that some how believe praying is far better than action, where for me action is far better than praying, trying to alleviate some of the burden that the family is now experiencing, as far as I am concerned is a far better option than being on your knees doing nothing but talking to yourself. I guess I need to really just step back for a bit and look at a different way at handling this all.
I'm guessing this is going to be a long term thing or at least a few more months of treatment maybe? I'm not sure about while she's in the hospital but check with the nurses and see if there are any resourses they have on organizations that can help with anything since all she really has is a few people that do. All of you are going to become extremely exhausted if not already.
I would also check into a home health agency for when she is released from the hospital. My ex mother-in-law's mother was a multiple stroke patient and she had a home health nurse that came to the house for four hours a day. She took care of laundry and other things plus it gave time for my ex mother-in-law to take a nap if needed. I know when I lived in Texas there was two numbers you could call 211 or 311 to find out about whatever resoureses you may need. If I'm not mistaken I think this works in every state. Anyway I hope all goes well.
If all the Christians who have called other Christians " not really a Christian " were to vanish, there'd be no Christians left.
This is going to be almost 2 years, well 21 sessions of chemo, once every 3 weeks. The good thing is her cousins that work at the hospital have all set that up, since it's all covered by OHIP (we live in Canada so it's mostly all covered by the government) its not much of an issue, it's the first 2 sessions that are going to take everything out of her and she looks like she is going to be in the hospital for the full 2 months, but after that she should be going home.
Right now my GF has pretty much told off some of her cousins and aunts (her fathers side) because pretty much they where giving her shit for not being at the hospital every single day, she goes about 4 to 5 times a week for an hour or two, spent a night there, and until her mother gets out, she will be spending every third weekend there to give her father time off (her brother and sister are also staying there one weekends) plus she goes to pay the bills, works, has 2 children to take care off (which for the last three weeks have been at their fathers and at her sisters) and goes to her mothers place to feed the cat, pay bills, tidy up, do laundry for her dad at times, and of course answer any messages on the phone. However have these people offered to help? Nope, and yet they give her shit for not being their every day, when they themselves have shown up once, when she was initially admitted to the hospital, oh and give her shit for not going to church and pray for her mother......that part however was dealt with today when she finally told them off.
Unfortunately it's a stressful time for both of us, but however with her father and mother both know what we both have been doing, the other good thing is her sister-in law and myself have been dealing with any other issues which they don't need to deal with (more of emotional issues which the family was not in the right mind set to do) and in the end they have this circle amongst each other to help each other out.
I just wish I could say that I understood why so called religious folks, are idiots and unhelpful when it comes into times need. I guess it just becomes easier to just pray and do nothing, than to actually get up and do something. Then believe that praying is what is helping out and making her better, not the medicine, not other helping her out, just prayer and some non-existent god.
Oh ok, I didn't realize you lived in Canada. Good thing because if you were here it would be 10 times harder on top of dealing with the stress of those family members. I agree that seem to come out of the woodwork with their bullshit in times like this where it is definately not needed. I'm glad she told them off lol. Hope it all works out for her and she gets better.
If all the Christians who have called other Christians " not really a Christian " were to vanish, there'd be no Christians left.
Signature ? How ?
Ditto Rich -- vent away.
It's tough to say how to handle it...But if anything, I think you're doing the right thing by being there for your GF and her mom.
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”
What's COPD?
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Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. May be caused by a number of things, usually particulates. No cure since the lung tissue is permanently damaged.
-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.
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That sucks Latin.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing though. My only advice is to let your girlfriend lead and back up her choices concerning the aunts and uncles...that way if shit gets stirred up she's doing the stirring, not you.
Everything makes more sense now that I've stopped believing.
I have been mellestad, the only time I spoke up was when they started to say crap in front of us because we wouldn't go to church, I could see she was just exhausted and was getting to that tipping point of way to pissed off, so I opened my mouth, needless to say the whole family knows my position on prayers, inaction, selfishness of prayer......and the catholic church.....so needless to say I was exhausted that day too and I realize I just should have kept with the inaction and prayer parts only, calling the catholic church an institute of pedophiles probably wasn't needed at the hospital, but I digress in the end things are moving along fine, people are starting to help out, and she should be able go home in the next 4 to 6 weeks, which will make things alot easier.
Lol.
Good luck again though, I hope things turn out well.
Everything makes more sense now that I've stopped believing.