Silly pun/joke thread, to start off 2011.
Offline Another thread inspired me to start this thread. Post your silly puns and or jokes here.
1. Did you know I went to acting college?
Yea, instead of a Pell Grant, I applied for a Cary Grant.
2. I was thinking about starting a new business. Anyone want to invest in waterless swimming pools? WHAT? Save money on water.
3. Ok, how about investing in stringless parachutes?
4.A waitress goes into the kitchen and says, "I need an order of poached eggs"
The cook responds, "I don't deal in stolen property"
5. If you put the "UL" symbol on a toilet, could that mean "Urinary Lavatories"?
6. I heard that the KKK adopted a highway. Yea, I thought it was a bad sign.
7. I was thinking of opening an atheist restaurant. Nothing will be on the menu.
8. What would you call a NASCAR race in Juno Alaska? Burrrrrrrrrlap
9. Blond goes to the doctor and says, "It hurts when I move my wrist". The doctor conducts tests and says, "You have Carpel Tunnel". The blond responds, "But I've never been to New York City".
11. Blond goes on a blind date. She asks the guy what he does for a living and he responds, "I'm a volcanologist" The blond responds, "I'm a fan of Spock too".
12. I was thinking about opening a nudist camp and putting a sign out front "Cloths required".
13.I was thinking about starting up a Jewish Pork Barbecue joint. WHAT? I'll make millions.
14. AND LAST BUT MOST CERTAINLY LEAST
A custody battle has torn a couple apart and they end up in front of a family judge. The judge decides to take the kid into her chambers and talk to him alone.
The judge asks the kid, "Do you want to live with your dad?"
The kid responds, "No, he beats me"
The judge asks, "Then you want to live with your mom?"
The kid responds, "No, she beats me too"
The judge asks, "Then who do you want to live with"
The kid responds, "The Redskins, they never beat anybody".
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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So you made me read all of that just to get to a 'skins joke?
OK then.
A man walks into a bar and says “OUCH!”
It was an iron bar.
=
Where does virgin wool come from?
...ugly sheep.
Two Indians are walking along a woodland trail. One of them leans over, puts his ear to the ground and says, 'Buffalo come'.
The other asks, 'How you know?'
He replies, 'Ground sticky'.
'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' A. Einstein
Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons? the last three periods.
What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a pit bull? Your very last blow job.
What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
How do you define safe sex in Montana? Brand the sheep that kick.
Did you hear about the guy who dropped his wallet in San Francisco? He had to kick it all the way to San Mateo before he dared to bend over and pick it up.
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
A man is out playing golf. He really really sucks at it, but as he gets to hole number 9, by an amazing stroke of luck he gets a hole-in-one. He goes to the green and just as he bends down to pick up the ball a genie emerges from the hole and says:
"I am the great Genie of hole number 9! As you have gotten a hole-in-one, I will now grant you one wish"
The man thinks for a moment, and then says:
"Allright, I suppose I'd like to have a longer dick"
The Genie says: "Your wish is granted" and promptly disappears in a cloud of smoke.
The man looks down his trousers, but sees no difference. He thinks to himself: "Well, that's a disappointment...", but takes no further notice of it, and continues to hole number 10.
But soon he starts noticing that his cock is indeed growing down there. "Great!" he thinks and smiles to himself. But it continues to grow, and is now slipping out of his underwear. And as he finished the 18th hole, it's now peeking out of his left trouser-leg, down by his ancle!
"This won't do..." He mutters to himself and goes back to the the tee of hole number 9 with a bucket full of golf-balls and starts trying for a hole-in-one.
He stands there shooting all night, and his dick just keeps getting longer and longer. He now has to lay out the dick in a big pile on the ground next to him, in the same manner that you keep rope on a ship's deck.
Finally, as dawn breaks, he get's a hole-in-one, and he sprints to the green, the dick flayling behind him like a pink, veiny streamer.
He arrives at the green, gasping for air, and bends down to pick up the ball, and sure enough, the genie re-appears:
"I am the great Genie of hole number 9! As you have gotten a hole-in-one, I will now grant you one wish"
The man, bent over, hands on his knees, slowly catches his breath and says:
"Oh good... (pant)... I'd like some longer legs please"
Well I was born an original sinner
I was spawned from original sin
And if I had a dollar bill for all the things I've done
There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin
Various ideas come to my head. Please don't take it as rationalistic bum-suckery, I just write down the thoughts and this thread looks like the least unsuitable place. Maybe someone already wrote things like that.
Belief is the only switch that enlightens in off position.
There once was a wandering homeless atheist. He saw a village on horizon and headed there. Tired, he came to the middle of it he saw a bunch of children playing. He called one to him, saying:
"Hello young man, can you answer me a question? Please tell me, what is a god?"
The boy replied: "Hi mister... God? That's easy. He's the Lord of Heavens, he sits there on pearly throne and judges people when they die."
The atheist thanked the children for attention, rested a little in local pub and went on.
Soon he saw another village and headed there. In the middle he saw a couple of children. He approached and asked them:
"Good afternoon, kids. Does any of you know what is a god?"
"Yeah, we know, me first!" they exclaimed. Finally, one girl started: "God the Almighty is our holy Creator father, omnipresent and omniscient. Is that correct?"
"Correct," sighed the atheist. "Thanks and bye," he said, drank one beer standing in local pub and left quickly because locals were looking suspiciously at him.
Then he went on, but much longer than before, avoided several such a rural villages and finally headed into a larger one. He walked around it a while until he found some children. Then he asked them:
"Hello kids, can you answer me this riddle? What is a god?"
The children were thinking hard, nobody knew, finally one boy exclaimed: "I know! God is a dog in reverse!"
The atheist settled down in there, found a job and lived relatively happily ever after.
Beings who deserve worship don't demand it. Beings who demand worship don't deserve it.
A masochist goes to a sadist and says, "Beat me! Beat me!"
What did the sadist say?
"No."
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In every fat man there is a slim man, wondering what the hell happened.