I'm a secret atheist
Offline I'm a closet atheist due to fear of what would happen to me socially, emotionally, financially and possibly even physically if I would ever out myself. It's not a fun place to be. The only time I go to the God-Jesus belief is for comfort but I don't believe in a God or any God. I do however find the thought of the belief comforting I'm sure do to my childhood of when bad things happened we (family, community, school) would always go to God for comfort. I don't consider this a weakness as some meditate for comfort or strength, some drink alcohol, some pop a pill, some sleep, I think about a sweet old man in the sky caring about me but it's fantasy not reality and it is comforting. Other than in times of real distress I don't enjoy my comfortable God fantasy. What I am of course dealing with is finding answers to the questions that religion and other mythologies have for thousands of years attempted to answer; where did I come from?, why am I here? and where am I going? I think about these three biggies as many people do because we have a brain and can think and they are legitimate and logical questions. Religion and God belief psychologically raped me while growing up. My teen years were 'hell on earth' due to religion and the God belief. So were my twenties. I refuse to stoop down to the level of name calling or using bizzare terms for anything as all it does in my opinion is call attention to the person as uneducated and/or cruel. So you won't ever find me typing 'sky daddy' or 'stick boy' as these terms are complety out of line in my book. It's a small closet as I don't know any other closet atheists for obvious reasons. It can be lonely in the closet at times but the closet protects me as my family and community would exclude me from them if I ever outed myself. Staying in the atheist closet is an act of self preservation. I know there are many closet athesits sitting in the churches while worshipping as well as many standing in the churches preaching. It's sad that we can't just be who we are and that for some of us like myself it will never happen without severe negative consequences. I don't have the money to move, refuse to give up my family who are actually very ethical and great people, so I just go along passively but at times I would like to just shout 'why are we all doing this!!'. The moral codes, the money given to the church, just all of it. There are some very, very great people sitting in churches as well as some very, very nasty hateful people so I cannot state that church attendees are any more or less than anyone in any other buidling such as a bar, club, sports stadium, bingo hall and all the rest as people are people.
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Former christian and preacher's son here. I spent a long time unravelling my faith and learning to stand on my own two feet. There have been definite costs and impacts on my life from growing up in church - lack of self esteem being one - that I don't know will ever be undone.
Regardless of my experience, it takes a good deal of strength to do what you are doing and yet retain a compartment of self. You should feel proud of yourself. And if, as you say, the costs are too high to reveal your unbelief, you can still come here and put your feet up with us whenever you feel you need to.
My whole family are fundies and while I have many friends who don't believe, those friends don't understand the profound pressures that come from being ideologically excluded from those who are closest to you. There are many people on this site whose experiences are similar to yours in some form or another. We understand the quiet intolerance of a christian household.
Good luck to you, Final. Don't stop discovering who you really are.
"Experiments are the only means of knowledge at our disposal. The rest is poetry, imagination." Max Planck
You seem to be at a point in your life, like many of us here have been at. I too clung to wanting to believe even though my doubts were huge. I was frightened of what society would think.
You sound like you are either young, and or live in a very religious area and have deeply religious family members.
If you could move to a more liberal area, would that be possible for you?
In any case, DONT make waves you are not comfortable making. But do know that there is a huge atheist community on line for you to talk to. And your situation will change over time.
Being in the closet or coming out as an atheist is your personal choice, and no one can make that for you. You'll know when and if that time will happen.
I do know that the more time you spend talking to other atheists the less scary the world will be to you. I myself have no atheists to talk to face to face and the internet and skype is my only communication.
You are not alone.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
Welcome to the forum. I was fortunate enough to grow up relatively free of religion. I never had to choose between being honest about my religious beliefs and my family, so I enjoy the luxury of being honest about my beliefs pretty much everywhere. If I had to make that decision, I have no idea what I would do. But, I know there are many on this site who have had similar experiences as yours.
If, if a white man puts his arm around me voluntarily, that's brotherhood. But if you - if you hold a gun on him and make him embrace me and pretend to be friendly or brotherly toward me, then that's not brotherhood, that's hypocrisy.- Malcolm X
Welcome. I hope this site gives you a constructive outlet.
I'm a semi-closeted atheist due to the rural area I live in. I pick and choose who I tell, but I won't outright lie about it if someone asks.
Everything makes more sense now that I've stopped believing.
Welcome to the forum.
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, | As I foretold you, were all spirits, and | Are melted into air, into thin air; | And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, | The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, | The solemn temples, the great globe itself, - Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, | And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, | Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff | As dreams are made on, and our little life | Is rounded with a sleep. - Shakespeare
Thank you for the welcome. I am rural and this is the biggest reason why I am a closet atheist. I refer to myself as a pew warmer and not much more. It's obligatory and expected and if I don't there would be worse than 'hell' to pay. Again thanks for the welcomes.
welcome, I look forward to hearing from you.
Hi and welcome. I'm afraid I won't be much help. Some of my family is religious, some not. And I live in a big city where a lot of cars have the sticker "Keep Portland Weird". That is, Portland, OR. And a number of people try to live that bumper sticker.
I come from a long line of ancestry that 3.5 billion years ago was a few single cell organisms reproducing in an ocean. We've changed since then.
I am here because my parents had sex on a night mom was fertile.
I am going to live my life as best I can, attempting to leave the world a little better than when I got here. I would like to go a lot of places, but that depends on finances. I unfortunately have a lot of time right now but not much money. I have no control over where other people go.
I'm 60, a grandmother, and have been unemployed for 2 years now. My attitude is a little strained at the moment.
-- I feel so much better since I stopped trying to believe.
"We are entitled to our own opinions. We're not entitled to our own facts"- Al Franken
"If death isn't sweet oblivion, I will be severely disappointed" - Ruth M.
Welcome aboard.
You need not ever feel alone again. There are many of us that have been EXACTLY where you have been.
I too came from an ultra-religious background and had to go through many experiences before deconverting completely.
Allow me to reccomend a couple of threads that might address some of the issues that you are facing.
New to Atheism ? Check these out, I think you'll enjoy reading them :
http://www.rationalresponders.com/new_atheists_really_all_there
An open letter to brand new Atheists from Jake (I found his website quite by accident while browsing the rational response authors on here. Lots of good stuff over there for you as well) But check this out :
http://www.afterfaith.com/?p=1169
RRS author todangst dissects the notions of faith :
http://www.rationalresponders.com/doesnt_everyone_take_things_on_faith
Try reading this intro and see what you think, it is aptly titled, Breaking the Matrix :
http://www.rationalresponders.com/forum/28680
Here's a post of mine that touches upon how poisonous the belief in ultimate purposes was in my own life :
http://www.rationalresponders.com/why_belief_ultimate_purposes_was_poison_me
Feel free to ask any questions or share any experience any time.
As a former devoutly religious person, I have sort of made it my mission in life to see those that struggle to get out from under the oppressive tyranny of religion
“It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.”
― Giordano Bruno
I was a secret Santa once at work, horrible experience that I don't want to repeat. Next time I just won't wear the costume.
"Don't seek these laws to understand. Only the mad can comprehend..." -- George Cosbuc
Anyway, I can understand you a tiny little bit. I also feel in the closet, except that's not religional and the closet is open. But I suffer by the lack of any fellow intellectuals around. All averageness and ordinarity of people around took a form of pub-goers. I don't say my IQ is high or anything, some of them have more points. The difference is, that they are not intellectuals. They don't love wisdom, they love lots of alcohol, food, cigs, pot, sports and TV. We have no use for each other, nothing meaningful to say. The day I figure out some use for these countless people, or they find a suitable place for me, that will be a happy day.
As for religious people, they are much tamer here, although plentiful here in the borderland. I am grateful to my parents, who said "NO" when it came to question of baptizing me and my brothers.
With some luck, security and keeping infiltrators out, you can build a nice small secret club for spending free time together secularly.
Beings who deserve worship don't demand it. Beings who demand worship don't deserve it.
Why? So this all powerful being's top priority ruling over a planet full of disease, famine. natural disaster, crime and war, is being called names? Pretty petty if you ask me.
When people shout "Don't pick on my god" I get the image of a midget standing spread eagle in front of the Terminator shouting "Dont hit my god, you might hurt him"
How could calling a god names possibly hurt that god?
Maybe it isn't because a god exists, maybe WE are knocking the claim of a god down to the comic book status it really is. If it hurts someone's feelings, too bad. My beef is with the claim not the person themselves.
We ridicule god claims much like any sane person would ridicule someone claiming that the earth is flat.
You are falling for politically correct garbage.
Here is what you are doing. EXAMPLE
Claimant, "The Chargers won the Super Bowl this year"
Skeptic, "Are you nuts, you might as well claim the Yankees won the Super Bowl"
You, "Hey, you don't have to call them nuts"
If someone is claiming the Chargers won the Super Bowl this year and after you correct them and tell them Green Bay did, and they still claim the Chargers did, THAT IS NUTS!
So why do we say "sky daddy", because the meme of the god concept lead people to believe that there was a god in the sky. Many people refer to their god as "father" thus "sky daddy". Again, bringing the idea of a god down to the comic book status it deserves.
Why to we say "stick man" because the alleged Jesus character was claimed to have been tourtured on a STICK!
But we say "stick man" to bring the entire silly motif of dying on the cross only to magically come back to life, which does not happen in reality, we use "stick man" to bring the entire story down to the comic book status it deserves.
If a 50 year old man went around trying to prove the existence of Santa after you told them Santa isn't real WHEN they were a kid and they kept trying to convince everyone around them it was true, THAT DESERVES RIDICULE!
If we never question social norms our species never would have left the caves. Ridicule is a perfectly valid tool to put naked assertions and superstitions to rest.
If someone today claimed Thor made lighting, you wouldn't think that would deserve ridicule?
I think those who believe in these sky daddies SHOULD be offended, not by me, but offended at themselves for not finding facts to back up their naked assertions. And by facts, I don't mean excuses to believe or apologies as to why they believe, but testable facts that can be independently verified outside their own bias.
"Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions" Thomas Jefferson
If you were to claim that shit tastes like ice cream, and you truly believed that I'd buy you mouthwash and breath mints and find you a shrink, even if I like you.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
I live in Texas (not Austin) so to avoid getting lynched I keep it to myself in mixed company.
Welcome to the boards OP - best of luck doing whatever it is you came here to do.
I'm semi-closeted also. I live in Houston and while the city is not as religious as some places in Texas, I'm surrounded by Christians in every facet of my life. Little by little, I'm getting more open about it though. I recently added the "Agnostic Atheist" tag to my Facebook page which many of my friends, family, and co-workers have access to. None of them have mentioned it yet, though, so I don't know if they've noticed. I'm just fed up with all of it and feel intellectually prepared to defend myself whenever necessary. There's a kind of freedom in just letting go of the inhibitions.
http://csmith1974.wordpress.com/
Don't worry too much, most of the people around you are non-theistic. Americans say they're "christian" because that's what they're supposed to say. However, 167 hours a week they don't have shit to say about God, Christ or anything else. They go to church for socializing reasons, not because a god impels their actions.
So, while you're warming your pew, look around and try to spot the rare individuals who actually believe all that crap, you'll be hard pressed to find more than one, if any, in your church. And that includes the hypocrite spouting inane babble from the pulpit, the one who's cheating on his wife with a school girl or boy.
I'm almost in the same boat as you. Generally if people ask me what my religion is, I'll just tell them I'm not religious, but I won't mention the word "atheist" because that word raises red flags. Half the time I tell someone I'm not a Christian, they'll reply "Really? So are you an atheist?" or something. It's like "atheist" is some big scary word around here, almost like "socialist".
But I'm guility of lying and telling people I'm a Christian at times - usually when some fundie tries to hand me a tract and get me to go to church with them, I'll just tell them "I'm saved" so they'll leave me alone and quit preaching at me.
Optimism is reality, pessimism is the fantasy that you know enough to be cynical
O.P. Response,
I'm in the same boat. I'm too am a closet a/theist. I cry at night with my 14 pillow pets. When I wake up in the morning, I ride my 10-speed to work with a fake Jesus Sticker on the back. And then, when I get to work, I muster, oh I muster my tears back, and I talk like a "christian."
FALSE!
This ought to be the category of "WIMPS." There are people in this world ASHAMED to be an atheist. I mean, I understand that, but you admit that you are ashamed.
Extremeist did not wrestle with anything. He was ALWAYS a heretic or pagan. This include the O.P. (I John 1:19).
Most so called Christians today have places where most so called atheists would feel at home.
Look, there no such thing as an atheist, the term and concept is full of logical fallacies. So as an agnostic get some courage and stand up for what you believe in. If you are an atheist, don't be so ashamed of yourself (even though it very shameful).
Agnostics do not "leave" the church because of intellectual reasons. It's usually (most often) Moral. You see, the morality goes first, and then your "religion."
You can't lose what you don't have. Thus, you can't lose your faith if you never had it. Those who have it NEVER leave it.
The O.P. has always been a pagan doomed to hell all his life. Unless he gives intellectual arguments for his moodiness, he is accused of whining because he is morally corrupt.
Respectfully,
Jean Chauvin (Jude 3).
(Proud to be a Biblical Christian)
A Rational Christian of Intelligence (rare)with a valid and sound justification for my epistemology and a logical refutation for those with logical fallacies and false worldviews upon their normative of thinking in retrospect to objective normative(s). This is only understood via the imago dei in which we all are.
Respectfully,
Jean Chauvin (Jude 3).
Shut up, Jean.
Our revels now are ended. These our actors, | As I foretold you, were all spirits, and | Are melted into air, into thin air; | And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, | The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, | The solemn temples, the great globe itself, - Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve, | And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, | Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff | As dreams are made on, and our little life | Is rounded with a sleep. - Shakespeare
I hope everyone realizes that Jean is a true atheist playing devils advocate, he's not to be taken literally.
That being said, he's right about growing some balls
stand up for what you believe in.
"Don't seek these laws to understand. Only the mad can comprehend..." -- George Cosbuc
"You can't write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say sometimes, so you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whip cream."--Frank Zappa
http://atheisticgod.blogspot.com/ Books on atheism