Dear Head Priest

My name is Quinton Christie, and I’ve written a book about you, amongst other Lighthouses of Faith.

It is not a very nice book, because I point my grubby little fingers at you a lot, while I insult you, and your faith, for more than 200 pages.

I make fun of your gods, and your scriptures, and I call you all sorts of terrible names.

I bring to my reader’s attention all the inaccuracies, the mistakes, and the deliberate lies your teachings and scriptures are laced with, and offer them alternatives to your nonsense.

That said, I am a fair man, and I believe in even-handedness, so here’s your chance to get even:
Why don’t you beg/pray/beseech, or even implore/ask/suggest to your god/s that he/they DROP AN ADULT BULL BLUE WHALE on my house?

I will give you the address (GPS coordinates), and the date by when this should be done, if you’re interested, and then we can sort out this god thing once and for all.

I’m sure if he exists he will already know where I live, heck, he GAVE me the house, if I understand your prayer/reward system correctly, but you might want to come and watch.

OK?

Why a whale, you might ask?

Well, any idiot can kill me, and claim it was his god’s instruction, and who’ll be able to ever refute that?

I’m a (slightly) overweight type 2 diabetic, who occasionally has a cigar, and/or a whiskey; I’m 46 years old, so my death from all of that won’t come as much of a surprise to anybody, obviously you can’t then use THAT as a sign of your god’s victory over little old me, oh, no!

However, no human, or machine, will be able to carry an adult blue whale all the way to my little inland abode, without being spotted by all and sundry, not so?

I mean, a great big helicopter, and a buddy or two, can lift the whale, maybe, and they MIGHT even move it all the way to me, BUT (and this is the deal-killer), it won’t be a GOD; even if the pilots are priests…

ONLY your god has the POWER, the ABSOLUTE power, to lift such a thingy out of the ocean, by sheer will alone, carry it hundreds of miles inland, and plonk it down on my head, do we not agree?

Please do not try and slip away by saying; ‘’Oh, God will get you ONE day, just you wait and see! He won’t be drawn into your pettiness right now, but you just wait and see, He’s REALLY going to FIX YOU!’’

Sorry, Oh Exalted One, there will be none of that nonsense of you deciding what God can, or will/not do; you either arrange with HIM to drop the whale, or YOU drop the ridiculous act.

He knows about this challenge, has since the beginning of time, if you are to be believed, so maybe, just maybe, it’s a test of your faith…think about it like that, and then GO FOR IT!

Now, now, before you get all flustered, and reach for that hidden bottle, I’m not looking at doing it this week. Relax: Let’s give it till 2011-12-31, New Year’s Eve, at midnight, my local time.

Anywhere between your reading of this, and that time, is good enough for me.

That should be enough time for you to arrange this, or see if any of the other religions can come up with an idea how to get a 180 ton whale do a nosedive on me, about 570km from the nearest ocean, unassisted by any man, machine or circus canon…

Oh, I know what you’re muttering now…;’’How dare you even think of challenging God in this fashion?!’’

But I’m not, am I?

I’m challenging YOU to get YOUR God to listen to YOUR prayers, to assist YOU with this problem, and since you, and your books, credit your gods with all kinds of amazing feats and miracles, ongoing now for thousands of years, this one should be a sneeze for the Creator of Heaven and Earth.

Not so?

I’m just going to sit and wait, or maybe work on my next book, The Great Blue Whale Humiliation.

Do get back to me before 2011-12-31, earlier if you so wish, as I would like to enter your responses in my new book, which I will still be writing on the morning of 2012-01-01, very much alive, and rearing to go…unless the whale has dropped, which even you doubt will happen.

Please, do try and get out of this challenge by swinging Deuteronomy 6: 16 around like a flag, or by quoting Matthew 16:1, both verses warning against ‘’testing God’’, but do also then explain to your flock that you’ve known for some time now that neither Moses (Deuteronomy), nor Matthew, EVER EXISTED, and that their ‘verses’ were penned by other folks, who came along many years after those two were alleged to have been around.

The ‘’authors’’ of the ‘’gospels’’ simply used those now-famous names to get their nonsense spread around more easily, and you and your cronies coined the term ‘’ pseudepigraphy’’, to STUDY the lies, instead of ADMITTING them. (If you ‘’didn’t know this’’ before, you do now...)

You other religions will OBVIOUSLY also have such verses of warning against testing your gods, all equally irrelevant now, but sure, hide behind them as well.

Since this book, ‘’How Dare You?’’, which I’m writing in now, will be out long before the due date of my whale shower, you might want to get a copy, just to check whether I haven’t already discussed, and refuted, all or any of your excuses or responses.

This is just the beginning, my Holy Friends; if the whale does not drop on my house before midnight, 2011-12-31, I will REALLY start campaigning against your lies, and judged by just the growing circle of converts and supporters around me, even before the book was finished, you are in for some very interesting times.

So, PLEASE, get that damned whale to drop, OK?

What are you afraid of, you who profit so joyously from the same ‘’POWER’’ I am begging to witness?

Do it! Own this opportunity!

You can even engage me in light-hearted banter on the subject, just tread carefully though, we don’t want you collapsing in a heap because you can’t get me to drop this bold challenge.

Oh, and this letter, and the list of recipients, is in this book, ‘’How Dare You?’', so you can see who else is on the good ship ‘’Deutanic’’ with you, who you might get help from.

Or not…

Yours in Christ/Wolverine/Donald Duck, same thing…

Quinton Christie
Johannesburg
2011-09-21

Quinton Christie (c) 2011