An Ideal "Few"
Offline Alright, so I have been absent for quite some time, but I thought that I might come back for some advice from my fellow freethinkers. I have been happily married for over six years, but have never really wanted an orthodox marriage. Over the last couple of years, one of my female coworkers has been flirting with me. At first I just sort of brushed it off, but after a while I must admit that I became rather intrigued. I told her straight up that I would/could never cheat on my wife. I told her that if anything was ever to happen between us, it would have to be with my wife's consent and participation. Believe it or not, when I told her this, she began texting my wife. Since then, there has been mutual flirtation between her and my wife and secretly between her and I. All of this flirtation culminated in a threesome about a month ago. After this though, this girl has been rather aloof. She says that she felt as though she crossed a line that night and she didn't want to ever do that again. To be perfectly honest, I have been rather distraught over this because I had actually developed some pretty strong feelings for this other girl that went far beyond simple friendship. I had hoped (perhaps foolishly) that we could all live happily together. We all got along great as friends and there was very strong sexual tension from every perspective. My wife has been rather upset by this girl's new attitude too, but nowhere near as bad as I have. Do you think that there is any chance of a continued relationship with this girl or should I just get over it?
If you use the bible as your moral compass, chances are you're lost.
When Jesus said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" he wasn't saying that people shouldn't be stoned. He was requesting the first pitch.
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Well, there are certain things that we don't really have comtrol over, like our sexual preferences or who we find attractive. Of course, we are all free to experiment and see what works for us. Sometimes any of us might try something once and decide that that just was not right.
Perhaps for her, she really did cross a line. If that is the case, then it is over and you have no choice but to move on. On the other hand, if she just needs some time to sort out her feelings, then give her that time and possibly you will have another chance. Note however that this is work she has to do for herself and there is probably nothing that you can say to her that is likely to have the effect which you are hoping for.
If it takes a long time for her to come back, well, that is that. If she never comes back, that is also that. Not much for you to do about it.
Your worst case scenario is that you can have fond memories of the event. That and a wife who might be open to more if a different woman comes into your lives.
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I agree with AIGS, give her time. And make it clear to her that you aren't going to be upset if she does decide that she never wants to go there again but you would still like to be friends with her regardless. Based on the limited information I have from your story, I suspect that she most likely feels some sense of guilt. The idea that extra-marital relations are wrong is so pervasive in our society it is extremely likely that she has been told her entire life that it is wrong. It could be as simple as her trying to align her views of right and wrong with her desires. Some people can handle going against societal norms some people can't or don't want to. I think it is best to accept her as she is and make it clear to her that you accept her either way.
And if you haven't checked it out already, I think you would be interested in Rich Woods new book Unlearn Vanilla Marriage. http://www.rationalresponders.com/forum/29404 I would recommend it.
If, if a white man puts his arm around me voluntarily, that's brotherhood. But if you - if you hold a gun on him and make him embrace me and pretend to be friendly or brotherly toward me, then that's not brotherhood, that's hypocrisy.- Malcolm X
Rich Woods...
I really appreciate all of the advice. This is pretty much where I was going anyway so it's nice to hear that it is probably the best course of action. Hyothetically, does anyone think that there is any possibility if her mind were to change that there is any hope of a three way relationship between us. We are all so good together and we make each other so happy. I just can't help but to think that there could/should be something more to it. I don't desire to sneak around or have an affair. I pride myself on being faithful and honest with my wife, but I can't hide the feelings that I have for this other woman. She has become very special to me over the past few years. Your thoughts...
If you use the bible as your moral compass, chances are you're lost.
When Jesus said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" he wasn't saying that people shouldn't be stoned. He was requesting the first pitch.
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Hypothetically, sure. No problem there. Practically, she has to process this in her own way and her own time. Whatever happens for her is what is going to decide the matter.
Look at this another way. For you, an affair is just not the right thing to do. So don't have an affair. Enjoy the fact that you have found someone you love. Keep in mind too that she seems to be open to three ways in general. Perhaps at some point she will find another woman who gets her interest going and then you at least get a good roll in the hay where you are not sneaking around behind her back. Or you might find another woman that she is happy with and the same thing happens. I don't think very many men are that lucky.
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First I'd like to thank Beyond Saving for the very kind plug.... and everyone else for the dramatic build-up hahaha
Hi Neo,
Everyone's input has been sound. The one thing that I'll add is that you should remain committed to being honest. It seems that from what I gather, thus far you have been. Couples who successfully negotiate non-monogamy are those who acknowledge that we *all* have libidinous proclivities, and to attempt to suppress each other's sexuality is contradictory to the trust and respect that accord love. But I hesitate to offer specific advice, as relationship dynamics and emotions are always unique.
Since Jealousy doesn't seem to be your problem, perhaps you and your wife might want to consider trying it again with someone different.... There is a possibility that the feelings you have for your co-worker are due more to the excitement that she introduced to your marriage.... maybe if you guys find yourself in libertine surroundings on a more frequent basis, your perspective about sex and emotion might change where it concerns others... I know that there are many people "in the lifestyle" whose emotional bond with each other becomes stronger once they've mediate extra marital copulation.
I'll also say that you guys sound like a great couple. If you're in the NJ area, I am giving a seminar on this very topic Nov 5th & 6th at the Exxxotica Expo...
www.RichWoodsBlog.com
As Felix Leiter said, Nother propinqs like propinquity.
Just being in the same building keeps "thoughts of nearness" going which can be more effective than actually seeing.
In a better economy changing jobs would be the solution.
Jews stole the land. The owners want it back. That is all anyone needs to know about Israel. That is all there is to know about Israel.
www.ussliberty.org
www.giwersworld.org/made-in-alexandria/index.html
www.giwersworld.org/00_files/zion-hit-points.phtml
First of all YOU LUCKY SON OF A BITCH!
But the reality is that , she, the "buyer's remorse" is not that she really is doing anything wrong, but that society has sold her that she was doing something wrong.
Life is never a script. Consent is all you need. I don't know if you'll be able to convince this third party that she didn't do anything wrong. But I'd say let her deal with it her own way and don't push it.
The poison apple was not that you were honest with your wife, you were. The poison apple was that the other woman was sold a script. I'd say that if she (the third party) cant get over this, cut it off, or at least, if you cant get away from her at work, just leave it as co-workers.
BUT regardless, you still are one lucky son of a bitch! I hate you.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
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