sadly this is so close to the truth it nearly proves a lateral extension of Poe's Law. 

I thought you could have mentioned the evil greenie bastard hugging a tree or buying a solar panel or something but what the hey.

My mother believes that atheists say life came from rocks. It's a curious thing. 

"Before the class begins, you must get off your knees and stop worshiping jesus and accept that he is only a mythological character created to full fill a jewish prophecy."

At this moment, a delusional, mentally unstable navy seal zombie who had served 4 tours of active combat duty, watched his buddies be blown to tiny little pieces and did not understand the reason for of war, much less why he actually joined the service in his youth, stood up and held a rock.

"How old is this rock?"

The wise professor smiled quietly and replied knowledgeably, "I'll need to test the rock in the lab. Can you wait two weeks for an answer?"

"Wrong answer!", as the SEAL zombie pulled out a Heckler & Koch MP7A1 4.6mm assault rifle and several M84 stun grenades and yelled, "God created us all and together we will all die!"

The professor was visibly shaken, dropped his chalk, ran to the door while pulling the "emergency, 911, there is a militant crazed jesus loving, bible carrying nut sack alarm" and told all the students, "Don't excite him! Lay down and play dead while I draw his attention away from you!"

The students listened and pretended to be dead. The crazed navy seal ran after the professor who had already crossed the hallway in to his lab. The navy seal followed, with a customized bible in one hand and weapon in the other, along with a picture of sarah palin strapped to his penis, shooting the american bald eagle out in the hallway, which was being transported to the audubon society for rehabilitation after being previously shot by a NRA supporting, douche bag, big game hunter.

The navy seal ran in to the lab where the professor turned on his non-lethal experiment which he had been developing for the american military. The device disabled the navy seal and the police transported him to the hospital for the mentally ill, where they found a large tumor in his brain which was caused by chemicals used in during the war in iraq and afghanistan, which was originally made in mexico by slave labor because the american manufacture wasn't allowed to use the chemical here in the united states because it was carcinogenic and the by-product was dumped in the river in this small mexican town where all the inhabitants had 1000% likely-hood of dying from strange and rare diseases and their babies were born deformed.

The professor received several awards and was given the nobel prize for his non-lethal weapon, which he then gave the 1.4 million dollar award to charity to educate young adults and children in third world countries not to do drugs or to have unprotected sex.

True Story

I have a problem with 1500 tours of duty. That's like 400+ years worth of time and grade, making your "navy seal" like 425+ years old.

Oh, I forgot the rock is 6,000 years old so that means counting time/years is like totally fucked up.

Every thing else is like... so totally real I am having flashbacks.

Didn't you read. He is a good god fearing american who trusts his government and is in the military with multiple tours. God rewards those who are faithful.

is a born chain tugger. But this could be ultra dry humour we don't know about. 

 Ah.

Ah.