An atheist struggling with obsession.
Offline Hello, I pop up every now and then on this forum.
I'm 22 years old, atheist, have just accepted a job offer that I'm very happy about. I would describe myself as a lucky person, and generally happy.
I don't mean to be dramatic, what is happening is pretty cliche. I just don't really know how to cope.
I'm on winter break, living with my religious family, and hanging out with my old friends including my first girlfriend of three years. A part of me wants to write paragraphs about her, and what happened, but it's nothing special to anyone but myself. She has hooked up with random people and friends in my face these past weeks. I have been obsessed with her, and I've always held in the back of my mind that we would be back together. I guess when I'm treated like a nobody, and she has invaded my dreams for the past 6 years, I've realized how much of a waste it has all been. I could list tons of deal-breaker reasons why I can't and don't want to be with her now.
I think I have an unhealthy way of coping or something.
It seems cliche, that guys don't get over their first love or whatever. I guess I'm looking for any input as to why I'm doing this to myself. I can't stop thinking about her, and I won't give away the gifts she made for me. Even though it is so clear to me that she is over me.
As an atheist it kind of bothers me that I would do this. I don't believe that we are special for each-other or any of that stuff. I'm guessing I have a hard time letting go of such a large and good part of my life.
Maybe I should just try to hook up with her, she seems easy enough. I don't normally do that sort of thing but maybe I'm more of an animal than I like to think.
Thoughts?
- Login to post comments
yes, by all means, hook up with her, and anyone else you can, for that matter! it sounds to me like you're not hooking up enough, if at all. tell your heart to go fuck itself, dude--seriously, the heart is about as overrated as the pope--and give your dick a workout.
i might seem harsh, but that's because in my teens and early twenties (i'm 30 now), i was in the same position as you. i would get all tore up over a girl, especially one in particular i had known since first grade who had never dated me but was happy to keep me on ice in friend mode, and embarrass the fuck out of myself and never get laid.
then i studied for a semester in london, shacked up with a girl who was very clear that physical was all she was after (and she was damn good at it), came back home a new man with a new confidence that got noticed and decided i'd give the old flame one last go. maybe she'd see what everybody else was seeing. unh-uh. when we went out, she pulled the same coy shit as always, except this time i told her to fuck off in the strongest possible terms and didn't look back.
she pestered me all senior year of college with texts about how she "missed her friend," even though she would either get ignored or cussed out via text every time. she went through some major issues after i walked out of her life because she no longer had a puppy dog around for constant validation.
fuck that shit, man, you don't need it. if you bang her, i bet you'll be like, "what the fuck? is that seriously all?"
a brief period of casual encounters is good for finding out who you are, and as long as you're always clear on your intentions it's unlikely you'll leave any damage behind. the few flings i had really helped me find out what i really wanted and, more importantly really needed. now i'm happily in a monogamous marriage of almost 6 years. do yourself a favor and take my advice. she ain't worth it.
"I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feelings for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright. . . . Or maybe 'stupid' is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don't bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I. . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots."
--Hunter S. Thompson
Knowing what I know now I would just go up and ask her out. No need to tell her you have always liked her or had dreams about her, that will come later.
If she wants to go out with you she will say yes. If she doesn't, then move on or maybe if you actually want to put some time in to the relationship, maybe you can build something.
I've learned there are way too many fish in the sea to lose sleep over one woman. It took me over 30 years to find a woman I wanted to marry and start a family with and I didn't even really like her that much... she and I sort of grew on each other and we were really good friends.
Yeah, except I know dating her would just be a bad experience.
Leaving home now, i'll give it a shot.
Edit: Was vague as to who's advice I'd be following haha. I'll go with the fuck my heart advice.
Well if you just want to fuck her then take her out on a date and see if she will go for the "hot and heavy" stuff.
If she doesn't then you either need to work on it or you need to move on.
Women who want to fuck will just fuck. You don't need to push them very far before they rip off your clothes and start sucking on your nob.
Women who don't want to fuck will make you wait or lead you on until you get so frustrated that you want to pull your hair out.
I don't think it's a cliche to say you'll have a hard time getting over your first love.. a broken heart is a horrible thing to have to go through, but nearly all of us will have walked that path one time or another - I did, and it probably took me 2 years to get over fully (2 years after we split up I heard she was in another relationship and I tore my heart again a little - which made me realise I was still not completely healed).
What that process means is the next time it happens (and it will probably happen a few times in your life that a girl you're in love with leaves you) you'll have perspective, and know that you are able to cope with the feeling of grief... and you'll get over it quicker because of it. It's probably no consolation now, but when you do finally realise that you are completely and happily over your ex, and can meet her or feel completely fine about her telling you she's got a kid now (or whatever) it's a great and liberating experience. Especially when there's someone better than her in your bed now!
From the way you tell it, she's moved on and you're left hurting. It's a shitty time, I know. My advice would be to drop contact with her - don't see her again until you're 100% sure you can see her as a friend only (or not at all). It may seem harsh, and you probably won't do this because a broken heart just loves to hurt itself a bit more with large portions of delusion and optimism, but you will get over her quicker if you cut her out from your life. Take a bit of time to grieve, then get out and meet other girls. The more girls you meet, the more you'll realise that there's a whole smorgasbord of people out there who'll be great for you - and far better than she ever was.
Think about it - was she really that great for you if she doesn't want you any more? Something must have been wrong at some level - so why are you pining over a 'near miss', when there are bulleyes out there? Believe me - in 5 years time this whole thing will be a footnote in your life, and you'll have happily moved on. I speak from experience.
Failing that there's always ice-cream, a dressing gown and sad movies.
Good luck.
same here. their are millions of other women out there who are a better pick.
Revenge is childish and so is jealousy. You only are as worthless as you make yourself out to be. No one defines you, you define yourself. Relationships do not define you either. People get into them far too easily and feel like failures when they don't work out. The reality is attraction and hormones don't make realtionships work by themselves.
You make your own purpose. Hormones are all this is. I had an obsession with a girl at church growing up. I never hooked up with her at all. And if I had, it wouldn't have been based on love or anything we might or might not have had in common.
Just move on. You're simply going to cause yourself more needless drama.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
I'm bad at this forum stuff. I closed the tab with my multi-quoted response so I'll just make this short.
An attempt never really was made to hook up, I think it was probably for the better as I'm not completely over it. There was another girl, I thought I was her knight in shining armor. I was romantic and one day drove 12 hours to see her, we wound up banging, and all my dramatic feelings kind of disappeared. I feel guilty about doing that, and it definitely showed me I need to figure myself out. I thought I could have my illusions shattered in this case too.
You are all right, I need to move on and forget about this. I see it that way too.
A couple weeks ago I believed i was in the right mental state. I believed she had no attachments to how I felt anymore. I think I was really frustrated to find that after a year and a half she could still break me down. I was convinced that something was wrong with how I coped since I felt like it wouldn't get better. I've been invested in a relationship that will not pay off, and it's about time I accept it.
Thanks.
OP, sounds like you're on the right track and congrats on your recent job offer. Thanks for posting this topic, after reading your story and the replies posted I now realize how common an emotion this is and to not dwell or beat yourself up over it. I rushed into a doomed marriage around your age and regret that. A former boss once told me that for a young man to succeed, he needs to find the things most important to him and focus on those things. Hobbies and activities not as important as priorities will inevitably take away from the main goals he relayed (he claims he will find god after retirement and is now a millionaire). Good luck on your endeavors!