My Mother
Posted on: November 2, 2014 - 12:57pm
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My Mother
Hello. How are you? Thank you for clicking here. The members of this community have always offered great advice and I could use some now please.
The following is going to be a very long, sad, pathetic and true story. I thank you in advance if you read it. It's therapeutic for me to write stuff down sometimes.
I am a thirty-two-year old man. I'm overweight, I'm unattractive, and I suffer from mental disabilities. One of them being is extremely poor social skills. As a result, I literally have no friends. I never have. I have a very low-income job, I live with my parents and I also don't know how to drive a car because I literally don't have the mental capabilities.
My birthday was yesterday. All I had to celebrate my birthday with was my old and grumpy fifty-eight-year-old Mother. (My father was out of town, gambling.) My Mom had spent the past week in another city tending to my sister who just had major dental surgery. She also had to help care for my three young nieces. When my Mom came back home, she was tired and cranky, but you would think with it being my birthday, she could somehow muster up the strength to be happy.
Before I continue I need to add a short story so you can have a better understanding of where I am coming from - There was one time (when I had my own apartment) that my Mom and I planned to get supper together, but because of her mood and her claims of being very tired, she ruined the experience. I initially offered for us to postpone, but she insisted, and as I typed, she messed up the mood of the evening by ranting and raving about how exhausted she was. Well after she dropped me back at my place that same night, I saw her checking in at a bar on Facebook. I guess she wasn't that tired. But my Mom does stuff like that all the time. She will say she is tired, but then will suddenly get the energy to do whatever she likes to do.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I generally don't like myself, so I enjoy getting to pretend to be someone else. I also wear really nice costumes and masks, so people in the downtown area treat me like a celebrity and want to take pictures with me. Because I am such an extremely lonely person, I absolutely love the positive attention. This is an experience I look forward to every year. Since I don't have birthday parties anymore, I consider being downtown my birthday party. I would opt to have no birthday presents ever again if I could spend hours street performing. Having no friends and not being able to drive, I have to depend on my Mom to drive me to that area. Luckily, in the past, she has enjoyed going downtown too and she had a friend that was going with us this year.
She was in a bad mood before we went out because she couldn't figure out how to do her make-up. She didn't have time to carve the pumpkin either, even though she had all day to do it and my Dad forgot to do it before he left. I also asked her if she would take pictures of me in my costume, but because we were so short on time, we didn't and agreed to do it when we got home.
Then when we got out to the downtown area. We went our separate ways. Well, at one point, we met back up and she noticed faked blood on my lip that wasn't there before. I kept trying to tell her that I put that on there, but she wouldn't believe me. She was convinced someone hit me, she just kept staring at me like she thought I was lying and asking me what happened. It was so annoying and frustrating.
My Mother has typically always believed me when I tell her stuff. We have a honest relationship. Always have. She was in a bad mood also because of the large crowd so it's almost like she wanted to believe I got punched so we could have an excuse to leave or something. Well, I finally got her to believe me, then we departed again.I spent four hours out there this night, took lots of pictures, and I made plenty of people happy, so that part was not messed up, thank goodness.
But during the last hour, she kept bugging me about leaving. I finally agreed to leave just to please her and I wasn't happy about that because we got out there late due to her make-up issues and I felt we left a little earlier then usual.
Then the friend we were with gave her some birthday money to give to me earlier in the evening. In front of me, she kept telling her friend to take the money back. If her friend wants to give me a gift, what moral right does she have to tell that person not to give it to me? I should be the one who politely refuses it, not her. But that is how she treats me. She talks for me (in front of me) to others all the time and I have to ask her to please stop in front of people. She didn't use to do that, but in recent years, she does it all the time, and if a friend of her's gives me something, *she* thanks them like she is getting the gift and she does it in front of me. If she is going to do that, why can't she do it when I am not around at least? No matter how many times I ask her to please stop talking for me or thanking others for the gifts they give me, she does it anyhow in the future.
Anyhow, I confronted her about the issue with her friend after we got back home, and she just stormed off. I was already sad about having to leave downtown and I felt even more horrible then. Needless to say, we didn't take pictures.
In an effort to save the night, I asked her if she would drive me to a fast food restaurant we go to every year after Halloween night. She agreed and I apologized to her even. However, I still felt very upset on the inside and honestly didn't enjoy my food.
The next day, my birthday, I was still very upset, but we took a day trip to an antique shop (because I enjoy artifacts) and got some donuts, which in recent years has become my traditional replacement for birthday cake since I like donuts so much, but rarely eat them. Then the night came, and more problems.
Before I opened my gifts, my Mom didn't sing "Happy Birthday" to me or put any candles on the donuts she bought. She also left the price tags on several of the presents, which I thought was rude. She asked if I wanted to do anything before dinner. I said I wanted to take one picture of me with my costume on but she had no interest. She made an uninterested face and said "You wanna do that? Why don't we just do it tomorrow?" Not wishing to argue and being a person who is against guilt trips, I agreed.
Before we left for dinner, she furiously complained and loudly cursed about the garage door not working properly. That garage door has been a major problem for a while now, so I am used to that. She drives me to work every morning and I always have to hear her complain about it and why my Dad won't have it fixed. You see, the garage door is always is about to close, but then goes back up. It does this over and over again, so my Mom has to keep pushing this button she has in her car, which really agitates her and causes her to scream and curse until it finally goes down, but I thought maybe on my birthday I could get a break from her screaming and yelling about the garage door. Her intense screaming and swearing added tension to the ride to the restaurant.
She could have parked the car outside and asked me to wait inside and I could have closed the door for her, then gone around to the front door and got in the car. The knob that controls the garage door is easier to control then the knob that she has in her car, but I didn't think to do that. She could have however and you would think on my birthday, a loving Mom would spare her son her ranting and ravings about any topic. She would never act that way in front of a guest and would have thought of ways to avoid drama if there was a possibility to avoid it and all I asked for was to have one night where I could be treated likes a guest.
When we go to the restaurant, we were given an option of what kind of sauce we wanted on our dinner. My Mom asked me what kind I wanted and I told her. She made a face and said it didn't sound good and insisted we pick this other kind of sauce. I mean, who's birthday is it over here? Why even bother asking me what I want if you already had another sauce in mind? I remember she did the last year on my birthday when I was picking a desert for us to share. I picked out a desert, and she insisted I pick the desert she wanted. Not wanting to make waves then, I didn't say anything though. I could let that go.
My Mom also complained about the coast of the dinner and how much we could spend. She got water in an effort to budget. Again, that is so rude to do to a person on their birthday. She even literally put the Bill in front of my face at the end of the night and I could clearly see how much dinner coast. She did that because she wanted to know the % of it or something. It was something related to the tip and she apparently couldn't see it. That is such an inconsiderate thing to do in my opinion. Why not figure out to his money stuff before hand and keep it to yourself if you're going to treat someone on their birthday?
I couldn't hold in my emotions any longer and it was apparent to my Mom and even the server (according to my Mom) that I was very miserable. At one point, my Mom shook her head at me, looked at me like I was pathetic, and said "You are a lover of misery."
She has said that to me many times before. I always tell her "Misery loves me."
Then I asked her if I was like this last year - I wasn't, because she was in a better mood then. I then went on to list all the times I was happy and how circumstances caused my happiness to end, which resulted in my depression. From having actual girlfriends to having them break my heart, to learning to drive, but failing my driver's test, to having a place of my own, but having to move back home because I ran out of money.
My Mom had nothing to say then. She herself had tears in her eyes. I have had plenty this weekend too.
She drove us home and we sat in silence the whole time. When we got home, I walked to bar and had a few drinks in a final effort to save my birthday.
I confronted her about all this morning. All she did was cry and tell me I was ungrateful.
This whole experience had reminded me of so many unhappy birthdays I had in my childhood. (Oddly enough, my successful, sane, and skinny sister has never had a bad birthday.)
I remember when I was a kid and when I use to have real birthday parties, every year in school I would pass at invitations in class to my birthday parties. Only one kid showed up one time one year. No one else ever did.
This is one of the many reasons why I am such a depressed and angry person. I never asked to be born, and I didn't asked to be born with mental problems. I realize if you're a parent raising a person with mental problems is very hard and if you have issues of your own, it's never going to be easy, so when that person's birthday comes up, perhaps subconsciously my Mom and a Dad are reminded of the mistake they literally made when I was born, and that is why in the past, both have been so mean to me on my day of birth. Perhaps because I have offered very little for them to be proud of, they consider celebrating my birthday a major inconvenience for them and it gets in the way of things they rather being doing.
As a kid, I had birthday parties with my whole family. Then it was just me, my parents and sister. Then it was just me and my parents. Now it's just my Mom and I. Mom is the last one stuck with me and that is most likely what generates her anger. Everyone else gets to not be apart of my day of birth, but she is stuck doing all the work on my birthday.
This is why I express little interest to others on my birthday because all it does is cause stress for me and my family. I have enough child-like traits and I believe the answer to all these problems is to simply stop celebrating it. I should remove my birthday on my Facebook so no one will be reminded. If my Mom asks me for birthday gift ideas in the future, I will not tell her. Or if I am asked if I would like to go anywhere to eat, I will say no. Perhaps reverse psychology is the answer. Even if it doesn't work, at the very least, I can have inner-peace on my birthday.
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There is nothing wrong with being supported at your age. And there is nothing wrong with having a low wage job. Do not judge yourself by the standards of others. Some people stupidly think that somehow if I say that it is some sort of loyalty oath to demand everyone stay poor. If you have a roof over your head, and it is consensual your age and your sex in being supported is your business, no one elses.
I am dirt poor too. I get help from my mother too as far as my bills. I do not give a fuck what others think of that, that is their baggage not mine.
Now as far as not having friends, I can identify with that too. When I was a kid I had no friends. Everyone on my street was a bully. It was not until I got into highschool that I had my first friend. And even now living where I live my only friends I have are online because I have nothing in common with with anyone in my area other than small talk on things like sports and or political party. As an atheist I am isolated in a very rural area. And I also have a biological family who have depression and axiety issues, I have had boughts of depression myself.
But here is the good part you can mentally do for yourself and it does help. Stop giving a fuck about what others think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. If you are not committing crimes, and you are helpful to your family in other ways like housecleaning and chores and taking them places then you are contributing no different than a housewife does and no one blinks an eye when they do that.
And as far as looks. I got the short end of the stick. I was full of pimples and looked like a dork. And in my old age I have lost quite a few teeth. I do not look at that as a judgment of being a bad person. Good looks do not matter as much as being a good person. And wealth also does not automatically equal morality either. Gadaffi was a billionaire who owned stock in GE. I am sure you would not want to be him just to have his wealth.
If there are things you want to change about yourself, do not do them because others project their script on you. It is your life not theirs. The only thing you can be is you. Outside that dealing with mental health issues are best done with professionals in psychologists and psychietrists and sometimes even medications can help.
Best thing is to never let other people baggage become your baggage. It is your life, not theirs.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
I have strong feelings of resentment towards my parents, and can relate to some of the issues you related. I still have bouts of anger towards my father, even though he passed away several years ago. I've brought up some of these issues with my mom in recent years, and we've had level-headed discussions about them. Discussing the problems doesn't lead to complete resolution, but it does help to finally bring it out in the open. To her credit, my mom has made some efforts in her old age to makeup for the past.
Life immediately improved for me the day I moved out of my parents and started living on my own as an adult. From how you describe the situation, it seems you are dependent on your mom for transportation and finances, so cannot easily remove yourself from the problem. However, one day your mother will no longer be around, and you will have to address living without her assistance at that point. When that day comes, you will have to find your own way to go downtown for Halloween, and celebrate your birthday. There's also the question of whether your sister will expect you to provide the help your mother currently provides. Since you will have to face living on your own some day, you should address those issues now, while your mother is still alive. Then things like Halloween will become more enjoyable for you, and not catalysts for more resentment towards her; and your relationship with her might improve in the process.
There are no theists on operating tables.
I will say this some people, even outside parent child relationships do not make good roomates. My mom and I did that a couple times, and we do not make good roomates and alot of that has to do with the same power and control issues a domanate breadwinner has in a husband and wife situation. And even outside that just having roomates can also lead to conflict because of differences in personalities.
With parents you do have to understand that they are always goint to be stuck in the role of parent when they view you. Now while my mom still helps me out with bills, we also do not live together mainly because of her age requiring more hands on help than I can give her professionally. Pluss our personalities conflict and the son is not suppossed to act like the parrent so she has a much easier time listening to others than me because I am the child not the parent.
Yes my mom will not be arround to support me forever, but at this moment it is working for both of us. She gets the extra help the retirement home does not provide as far as shopping and doctors apts and companionship that if she had to pay for would cost her far more than what she pays me in support. But again, we do it because it works for us.
If your conflict too much with your family living at home, mentally it is not healthy for you. Some people can live with family and sometimes it is the same as having roomates whom you might like but have conflicting living styles.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers."Obama
Check out my poetry here on Rational Responders Like my poetry thread on Facebook under Brian James Rational Poet, @Brianrrs37 on Twitter and my blog at www.brianjamesrationalpoet.blog
Thank you all for the replies. Before I respond, I am happy to first type things improved greatly. My Mom and I first however got into another argument. While I was originally angry, I calmed down and essentially was able to convince my Mother that she was incorrect with her words and actions.
We ended up going to lunch, she took some great pictures of me in my costume in a good location, we went to the zoo, and are going to a movie tonight. A package containing a gift also arrived today and I will be able to open up a present.
I was born at 11:20 PM on November 1st. During that time last night, I was in a bar. I was still 31 yesterday too. Today I am actually 32, so really, today was my real birthday. With the exception of the arguments my Mom and I got into this morning, it has turned out to be a pleasant birthday.
During the actual hours of Halloween, I did everything I planned to do so no regrets there. I am also vacationing at the end of the month to a city that has street performers year round and I am thinking it maybe bringing my act there.
Anthology of Irish Verse (1922)
The Woman of Beare
By Stephen Gwynn (Translated)
> A Mother's heart ???
Anthology of Irish Verse --
The Woman of Beare By Stephen Gwynn (Translated)
Infinitesimal distance between various 'paths'
EBBING, the wave of the sea
Heavy the clotted weed.
And my heart, woe is me! 5
Ebbs a wave of the sea.
I am the woman of Beare.
Foul am I at that was fair,
Gold-embroidered smocks I had,
Now in rags am hardly clad. 10
Arms, now so poor and thin,
Staring bone and shrunken skin,
Once were lustrous, once caressed
Chiefs and warriors to their rest.
Not the sage’s power, nor lone 15
Splendour of an aged throne,
Wealth I envy not, nor state.
Only women folk I hate.
On your heads, while I am cold,
Shines the sun of living gold 20
Flowers shall wreathe your necks in May:
For me, every month is grey.
Yours the bloom: but ours the fire,
Even out of dead desire.
Wealth, not men, ye love; but when 25
Life was in us, we loved men.
Fair the men, and wild the manes
Of their coursers on the plains;
Wild the chariots rocked, when we
Raced by them for mastery. 30
Lone is Femen: Vacant, bare
Stands in Bregon Ronan’s chair.
And the slow tooth of the sky
Frets the stones where my dead lie.
The wave of the great sea talks; 35
Through the forest winter stalks;
Not to-day by wood and sea
Comes King Diarmuid here to me.
I know what my King does.
Through the shivering reeds, across 40
Fords no mortal strength may breast,
He rows—to how chill a rest!
Amen, Time ends all.
Every acorn has to fall.
Bright at feasts the candles were, 45
Dark is here the house of prayer.
I, that when the hour was mine
Drank with kings the mead and wine,
Drink whey-water now, in rags
Praying among shrivelled hags. 50
Amen, let my drink be whey,
Let me do God’s wil all day—
And, as upon God I call,
Turn my blood to angry gall.
Ebb, flood, and ebb: I know 55
Well the ebb, and well the flow,
And the second ebb, all three—
Have they not come home to me!
Came the flood that had for waves
Monarchs, mad to be my slaves, 60
Crested as by foam with bounds
Of wild steeds and leaping hounds.
Comes no more that flooding tide
To my silent dark fireside.
Guests are many in my hall, 65
But a hand has touched them all.
Well is with the isle that feels
Now the ocean backward steals:
But to me my ebbing blood
Brings again no forward flood. 70
Ebbing, the wave of the sea
Leaves, where it wantoned before,
Changed past knowing the shore,
Lean and lonely and grey.
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I'm afraid the following is deeply unassociated with this thread / post(s)
BUT A MOMENT . . BUT WITH A SHOUT DOES JOY COME IN THE MORNING
Theme Images --
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