What Christianity looks like to us (Kissing Hanks Ass)
Offline This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
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I'd rather that Mary had been played by a girl actress.
Otherwise it's great, and it does parallel Christian arguments quite nicely. It looks like a good way to show them what their arguments look like to someone who doesn't already believe.
Ofcourse, it looked good to me because I already agreed with it.
I'd be interested to see some comments from real Christians.
I might get one, I posted it on my blog and bulletin on myspace.
If you really want I can see if I can't get banned on my school forum and post it there.
Wouldn't the 'ass' part get it banned?
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You can say ass on the radio now, you can even say asshole. However there is a clean "kiss hanks butt" version.
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I just don't want them to get in trouble at school.
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The myspace school forum
and its my old school.
I have said worst then ass on that thing and at school, once in front of principle. So if they don't nail my ass for that they can't nail my ass for saying ass because if they do they are being asses and they probably know I will call them on the assish behavior partly because I can be an ass. I like to say ass if you can't tell
Oh. Well good. So long as nobody can hand you your ass.
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I loved the parodies of those stupid pamphlets Christians have on that site.
Yeah, you n00bs have a sweet deal.
In my day you had to give Hank a Rusty Trumbone for a piece of hard candy. You better thank Hank He sent His Son to make it so you only had to kiss His Ass.
I Guess that's the difference between Hanks Origial note and his New Testa-note.
I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world. - Richard Dawkins
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I would rather believe in something as vague as it may be(some kind of higher power).. and find out there is nothing... rather than beleive in nothing ... .and then find out there is something...
Just my perspective...
So you believe that you should kiss hanks ass then? If not, why not?
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ok a posted it with the title "Something I thought was funny [may contain the word ass view at your own risk]" and took out the distribute it thing. I think that will make less threating and they might read it. I'll make a blog if I get any hate mail.
What is wrong with taking the position that I won't believe in anything until some proof or compelling evidence arrives?
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. - Seneca
or what about the flying spaggheti monster, the invisible pink unicorns, last thursdayism, or kissing hank's ass?
.
oh, I know... if one of the gods exist and you believe in other gods, you're going to hell anyway.
so I ask you; which god do you believe and why?
and why not another god?
"believe nothing.
beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning.
a non-functioning mind is clinically dead.
believe nothing."
-mjk
What exactly is a real Christian? I want to know. I always hear Christians speak of other Christians who have a different belief.....they ALL say when speaking of other Christians, "they are not real Christians!"
Seems like no one is a real Christian to another Christian, so please tell me! I want to know what a real Christian is.
If Christlike is the answer, as I've heard before, then what does that mean? Someone who is supposedly half human and half god?
Oh, I'm so confused. Can't we just feed them all to the lions like they did in the old days?
I think you're mastaken. Believeing in gods other than God does not make you go to hell. Not believing in Jesus as your savior makes you go to hell. So, that guy can believe in Allah, Jehova, the cookie monster, etc. But as long as he accepts Jesus as his savior, he's going to heaven.
I think I understand your point though. Believing may be safe. But what axactly should you believe in? Everything?
If I tell people the Gospel, it's not because I care about whether or not they go to heaven or hell. I do it because I honestly believe that this is God's will and purpose for my life... weeeeeeeee!!!
Those Christians who point out other Christians as not being real Christians are uneducated. It's sad how many Christians don't understand their own religion. It's these Christians who feed the world false information about Christianity, push people away from Christianity, or eventualy leave Christianity themselves.
A real Christian is someone who believes in God and has excepted Jesus as their Savior. They believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He died for our sins and rose from the dead later.
This is the one common belief shared by all Christians.
If I tell people the Gospel, it's not because I care about whether or not they go to heaven or hell. I do it because I honestly believe that this is God's will and purpose for my life... weeeeeeeee!!!
So you're saying the Christians who tell other Christians that they aren't real Christians, aren't real Christians?
Just playing around.
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this is the best real-world analogy of religious belief and recruitment that i've ever seen. its so brilliant and on point that i'm surprised i didn't come up with it first. keep up the good work, folks. reality eventually catches up with logical people. jonathan.
ROFL, no I just think that someone that doesn't understand their religion is one step closer to leaving that religion. I think that missunderstanding Christianity is one of the key steps toward complete unbelief.
BTW that hank story is funny, a little offensive, and at the same time informative.
If I tell people the Gospel, it's not because I care about whether or not they go to heaven or hell. I do it because I honestly believe that this is God's will and purpose for my life... weeeeeeeee!!!
i must admit i haad to "la la la la" at the relish and the Mustard.
and the "bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater" had me on the floor laughing my ass off.
over all it's pretty true, other than the fact that it's the Jehova's witness' that go door to door. and they seem to be more about the fear.
it's deff. informative, i reposted it not to piss of my Christian friends, but to enlighten them to how others see and hear them.
over all i don't see the issue you all seem to have with those that wish to kiss Hank's ass. if God keeps them happy in their middle class life style, then who are you to say their wrong and more importantly why would you want to pop someomes bubble of faith?
may we all be open to all the "Truth's" of this world
Peace
*~TC~*
The very short answer is that their faith affects us all.
The real answer usually has to add how and then why those things might be bad and then how those bad things come about. I'm pretty sure that answer is floating around here, but if you can't find it fast enough or someone else doesn't answer you I'll write up something pretty. And it’ll probably end up being and essay... kind of like those RRS is holding that contest for, hmmm...
There are three reasons I want to pop people's bubbles of delusion.
1) The delusions hurt us all. Delusional people fly airliners into office buildings. Delusional people put bombs on buses. Delusional people vote conservatives into office. Delusional people keep homophobia alive. Delusional people pass their delusions onto their children.
2) The delusions may also hurt the delusional. Delusional people may have their families torn apart by religious shunning policies. Delusional people may die of curable diseases because they have been brainwashed into thinking that medical care is sinful. Delusional people may suffer anxiety due to threats of hell fire.
3) They would do it for us, or at least I hope they would. If I am ever duped into a bubble of delusion, I sincerely hope someone will try to pop my bubble! Is it therefore not my duty to pop the other person's bubble for him?
the third commandment:
you shall have no other gods before me.