Thanks a lot, now I got that song stuck in my head.

Heaven is the feeling when being with a beautiful, intelligent woman who loves you as much as you love her.

I wrote a story last year about where heaven is. What a lot of theists don't realize is that the Bible says precisely where heaven is. You just have to do a little extrapolation. Anyway, without further ado, (and only minor editorial updates,) I give you:

HOW GOD TAUGHT US WHERE HEAVEN IS

Once upon a time, there were some people who lived in a place called Amalek. They were called Amalekites. There was a time when they were very mad at the Israelites. When they found out that the Israelites were at a place called Rephidim, they sent their army out to attack the Israelites.
The Israelites were ruled by a man named Moses. Moses was the leader of the Israelites, but Joshua was in charge of the army, so Joshua chose some of the men from the army to go fight the Amalekites. Moses told him, "Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."
In those days, God liked to do strange things with his super powers to make sure the Israelites knew that he liked them better than other people. When Moses went up on top of the hill to watch Joshua's army try to kill the Amalekites, God told him to lift up his staff over his head. Moses did this, and as soon as he did, the Israelites started winning the battle. When he lowered the staff, the Israelites started losing the battle. Since Moses realized that every time he lowered his arms, God would let the Amalekites kill more of the Israelites, he tried very hard to keep the staff lifted over his head. Since he hadn't been to Marine Boot Camp, he wasn't very good at this. His arms got so tired, in fact, that two men named Aaron and Hur had to put a big stone on the ground for him to sit on. When he sat down, the staff was still over Moses's head, but was low enough that Aaron and Hur could each hold a side of it, and Moses just had to keep his hands touching the staff, because if he cheated and took one of his hands off to rest his arms, God would let lots of the Israelites die, because he loved them better than other people. God was very happy at the end of the day, because with Aaron and Hur's help, Moses had held the staff above his head all day long without letting it down and allowing some of his army to get killed. (At least he didn't let it down after he figured out what a dilemma he had on his hands, or rather, in his hands. It was too bad about the few people that died before he knew any better.)
After Joshua finished killing the Amalekites, God did a really strange thing. He told Moses to write down what had happened, and make sure that Joshua saw the writing, because God was going to erase the memory of Amalek from under heaven. This is how we know where heaven is. Since the words were written down, and anybody on earth can read them, the memory of Amalek is still on Earth. Since God said that the memory of Amalek would be erased from under heaven, we know that heaven is below the earth. This is strange, because in another story, we'll learn how a man rode up into heaven in a chariot made of fire, but that's ok, because the earth is round, and if he went upwards slowly enough, by the time he got high enough, the earth would have rotated so that he would enter heaven. Anyway, since we know that heaven is below the earth, and the earth is round, and rotates on an axis while rotating around the sun while rotating around a galactic center that is flying away from the center of the universe, we know definitively that heaven is at a point exactly opposite the hill where Moses had to keep his hands over his head for a day. Since we don't know for sure exactly where that hill is, we just know that heaven rotates around the earth at a spot exactly opposite some spot in the middle east, so it would look like it was up for half the people in the world, and down for the other half. (There is currently a group of astro-physicists on commission to come up with the mathematical formula that will allow us to predict the exact location of heaven at any instant. At this time, the best guess is somewhere over Arkansas.)

God also decided that he would be at war with the Amalekites from generation to generation. This didn't take long, since he is God, and that's why there are no more Amalekites in the world today.

Thanks for the links, Technarch.
*Reads*