Real Convo`s with Loving God
Offline Many people are becoming more and more aware these days
that most of those actually communicating with God these
days have to pretend to be Atheists. This is very well known,
therefore, I feel comfortable coming out. God has asked me,
and I have finally consented to an unusual mission. I dont know
how many people are going to read this but God Said, therefore,
what God Said is this.
God is troubled by these transcripts, and wishes them to be
published as examples. The names are excluded and these
are randomly sampled with no personal malice intended to the
people whose transcripts get printed. It may not seem fair,
but God chooses which transcripts to publish mainly based on
what lessons are most clearly illuminated.
God stressed very much again and again, that these transcipts
sadden and trouble Him. Although the names are excluded,
(except in the cases of well-known historical and public figures)
the words are verbatim and unchanged.
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Mr X: Wow! Lookit that great big
solid gold throne. Wow! Lookit
that golden light!
Mrs X: Hey! Whats that burning lake
over there?
Jesus: Thats where I burn people
alive forever. Do you hear the
screaming?
Mr X: Good thing we arent going there,
right Bobby my boy?
Jesus: Ahem. Thats for me to decide
Mr. Christian. Now, you and your wife
used sex toys - but you did sit in my
boring azss church day after day,
week after week. And you said the
magic words...
Mrs X: Oh, forgive us Jesus!
Jesus: Yes, right before you died;
but your son Bobby, he wouldnt believe
in me. What do you got to say for
yourself you little shhit, before I
throw you in the lake of fire to be
tortured for eternity?
Jr X: Well dammn dude, couldnt you
make your lies halfway believable?
I mean, that Bible, its total BS.
Sorry man, but I'd rather live my
own life and find happiness in my
own way.
Jesus: YOU LITTLE SHHIT!! I'M GONNA
BURN YOU GOOD, FOREVER. DONT YOU KNOW
I DIED FOR YOUR SINS? GONNA FUCCKEN
BURN YOU TO A FUCCKEN CRISP EVERY DAY
OF ETERNITY YOU LITTLE ROTTEN KID!!!!!
I AM NOT ANGRY!!! ANGELS, THROW THIS
LITTLE TWERP IN THE EVERLASTING FIRE,
TO BE TORMENTED DAY AND NIGHT WITHOUT
REST FOREVER!!!!!!
Mrs X: Dang Jesus, I thought you loved us.
Well, fucck you. Fucck you you god dammn
bastard. I wish my pastor was here I'd
fuccken kick him in the balls. DONT YOU
TOUCH MY SON! MY SON IS MORE IMPORTANT
TO YOU THAN SOME MADE UP GOD FROM SOME BOOK!!!
Mr X: Now, now, dear. THIS IS Jesus, our Lord,
WE LOVE HIM. Yes we do love him. We love
you Jesus. Burn our rotten little kid.
Oh Jesus let me kiss your ring!
Mrs X: What!!! You call yourself a father?
You call yourself a husband? This psycho
is going TO BURN OUR SON!! Dont you understand,
you little WUSS!! GET OFF YOUR KNEES AND
GOD DAMMN BE A FUCCKEN MAN!! Jesus, fucck you,
dont you touch our son you psycho!!!
Mr X: Jesus, please, I love you. Go ahead and
burn my son and my wife. Oh, kiss, kiss, kiss.
Here, lemme kiss your feet. Oh here, lemme
kiss your shoes. Oh Jesus I love you, here,
watch me grovel. A made up fictional character
who wants to burn my loved ones is far more
important to me than my own family!!!
I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus, ...
Jesus: Well, you really killed alot of innocent
people.
Hitler: Guess so.
Jesus: But, you were a Protestant - bottom line.
And you said "Forgive me Jesus" right before
you died. I hereby admit you to Heaven. NEXT CASE.
Angels: Dick Cheney.
Jesus: Mr Cheney - you were not compassionate
or honest or charitable, or even a nice guy.
But I am going to forgive you. Just tell me,
tell the truth: all I want to know is, did you
attend religious services regularly - yes or no?
Cheney: Yes.
Jesus: Excuse me - do I have "The American People"
tattooed on my forehead?
Cheney: I believe your forehead says "Omnipotent,
all-powerful, master of the universe, King of Kings",
- and I cant read the rest. No, sir, sorry.
Ok, I didnt hardly ever go to church.
Jesus: Again, I am going to let that slide.
I am not burning you alive forever just for that.
Cheney: I said "Forgive me Jesus".
Jesus: Can I finish? There is a problem.
You did something I cannot forgive.
YOU RAISED A LESBIAN DAUGHTER.
Angels: GASP!!! A LESBIAN DAUGHTER???? OH NO!!!
Jesus: Yes. You raised a lesbian daughter.
You, whom I entrusted to carry out my mission
of slaughtering innocent Americans and Iraqis
the Disaster in Iraq. You, my trusted servant.
I am going to burn you alive FOREVER.
How could you do this? What do you have to say
for yourself?
Cheney: Well, I didnt raise her that way -
gay people are BORN that way.
Angels: GASP!!
Jesus: GOD DAMMNIT! BLASPHEMY!!! AGAINST
THE HOLY SPIRIT - NO LESS!!! DAMN YOU CHENEY,
ANGELS - GET HIM THE FUCCK OUTTA MY FACE!!
Cheney: I demand Habeus Corpus!
Jesus: You're going down, Mr. Cheney.
Angels, show Big Dick his rights...
Jesus has asked me, and this is difficult,
He wants me to publish the prayer that I
pray to Him every night. Jesus is my
Savior, therefore I have complied with His
request.
CB2YOS: Dear Lord, Jesus, my God and my
King, and my Best Friend. Please destroy
all of my enemies, the Conservatives,
the Republicans, and all other Evil people,
including all Christians who hope the
world ends because they are jealous of
other people who were smart enough to have
fun. These are Bad, Evil, Terrible people.
Bad, bad bad. Burn them alive forever.
Jesus, I ask humbly in your name to take
all my enemies and Burn Them Alive Forever.
Make them scream in pain for eternity,
make them cry and beg forgiveness,
but dont let them die. Keep them alive
forever as you keep burning them, torture
them, make them suffer. Please take all
these Bad people who I dont like, and
throw them into the Lake of Fire.
Lord Jesus, I ask this with no malice or
anger, but simply out of a desire that
Your Will Be Done. These people are against
You, so that is the only reason I want them
to suffer forever. Please protect me from
any feelings of satisfaction and pleasure
that I would experience by knowing they
are suffering forever in Hell. I do not
ask this out of malice or anger, but out
of Divine Love, in Your Name.
Lord Jesus, Please Destroy My Enemies
Without Mercy and Make Them All Sorry and
Beg Me for Forgiveness. Please burn them
alive forever and never let their torment
cease, forever and ever and ever.
Lord Jesus, Harass and Punish My Enemies
Forever and Ever Destroy Their Hopes
Lord Jesus, at the same time, please fulfill
all my desires and make my enemies watch
me have a good time forever while they are
being tortured in Hell. Even as they
are forced to watch me and all the cool
people enjoy ourselves in this life
while they have to go to boring stupid
church services and rot away in stupid
self imposed right wing judgment.
AMEN
Washington: ...So, Lord Jesus, thats why
I'm asking you to give me and my troops
the victory over GREAT BRITAIN.
Jesus: No. Absolutely not. You stop
your resistance immediately and surrender
to the BRITISH. That is my final word.
Washington: Lord, I'm stunned. How can
you render such a judgment? Why, the
BRITISH are terrible people!
Please reconsider Lord! Please!
Jesus: Look, KING GEORGE SAYS he's a
Christian!!! How can you expect to defeat
somebody who knows how to appeal to religion,
somebody with such a bold PR strategy?
You better just surrender.
- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -
Lincoln: ...So, Lord Jesus, thats why
I'm asking you to give me and my troops
the victory over THE CONFEDERACY.
Jesus: No. Absolutely not. You stop
your resistance immediately and surrender
to the CONFEDERACY. That is my final word.
Lincoln: Lord, I'm stunned. How can
you render such a judgment? Why, the
CONFEDERATES are terrible people!
Please reconsider Lord! Please!
Jesus: Look, JEFFERSON DAVIS SAYS he's a
Christian!!! How can you expect to defeat
somebody who knows how to appeal to religion,
somebody with such a bold PR strategy?
You better just surrender.
- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -- - - - -
Churchill: ...So, Lord Jesus, thats why
I'm asking you to give me and my troops
the victory over NAZI GERMANY.
Jesus: No. Absolutely not. You stop
your resistance immediately and surrender
to the NAZIS. That is my final word.
Churchill: Lord, I'm stunned. How can
you render such a judgment? Why, the
NAZIS are terrible people!
Please reconsider Lord! Please!
Jesus: Look, ADOLF HITLER SAYS he's a
Christian!!! How can you expect to defeat
somebody who knows how to appeal to religion,
somebody with such a bold PR strategy?
You better just surrender.
Lot: Good morning - welcome to Sodom.
Wait a minute, youre angels - from God!
Angel: Hi Lot. Look, God is getting
ready to wipe Sodom off the map.
Youre the only one here stupid enough
to bend down and bow down and worship
our Lord and lick His boots.
Lot: Yes, my fellow countrymen here in
Sodom are very misguided, I try to preach
to them and shove the Bible down their
throat, but my poor misguided countrymen
wont believe the lies. Its so sad.
Angel: Its okay Lot, you dont have to
put on that "kind and understanding" act
around us. THE PEOPLE OF SODOM ARE NOT
MISGUIDED, THEY ARE TERRIBLE, EVIL,
DISGUSTING PEOPLE. GOD IS GOING TO
KILL THEM ALL, BOMB THEM ALL THE
KINGDOM COME. YOU GOTTA WORSHIP GOD,
HE ALONE IS GOD, AND IF YOU DONT WORSHIP
HIM - HE GONNA KILL YOU. FUCCK THE
"PEOPLE OF SODOM" - GODS GOING TO
KILL THEM ALL - THE MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN,
ELDERLY PEOPLE, TEENAGERS, BABIES -
KILL THEM ALL. FUCCK THE "PEOPLE OF
SODOM".
Lot: So you are warning me to leave?
Angel: Yes - we are going to kill your
cunnt wife though - youll see - shes a
back-looker. In 24 Hours, we are going to
drop 1 trillion tons of sulfur on these
scum, the scum will be cleansed, God
is calling it "Shock and Awe".
Lot: "Shock and Awe"? Praise God.
That will teach these dirty little
sinning basttards. I go up to these
dirty sinners all the time and scream
Bible passages in their face, but they
wont ever listen to me - I hate them.
God: How many times do I have to tell
You Kid. Look, I am burning those dirty
little sinning bastards alive forever.
Reason - because they wont worship me.
End of discussion, end of discussion.
Grow up, stop crying, I am tired of
hearing about it.
Jesus: Please dont burn them Dad.
God: Thats it. Ive lost my patience,
youre gonna get it now Boy. Romans,
Pharisees, crucify this little Fuccker.
I am gonna crucify You Son, give You
something to cry about. Yeah Romans,
hit Him with those whips!
Jesus: Still please dont burn them.
Maybe they just wont woship You because
you are such a mean, terrible, stuck
up little Fool, that You have to everyone
worship you.
God: OK. Dammnit Jesus! Lets see how
You like it. Oh, I tell you what, I wont
burn people alive forever who dont worship
me. Not anymore - are You happy You
whining little Kid? I tell you what,
from now on, itll be different, from now
on, I will only burn people alive forever
if they dont worship You. In fact, anybody
who doesnt want to believe that I had You
crucified because of them.
Jesus: But what if some of them wont ...
God: Yeah, cmon Romans, drive those nails
into Him. What are You doing, Boy? Praying?
Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
Jesus: For the 100th time, I didnt tell
you to kill people in Iraq, I was never
stay the course, dont stay the course,
quit killing people in Iraq. Dont blame
this shhit on me Bush.
George Bush: Well Lord, if you really
want me to stay the course, then I will
stay the course.
Jesus: What the fucck did I just tell you!
Why dont you ever LISTEN?
(God has asked me to clarify the events of Genesis 22,
which in mainstream translations has been edited by man to be more to his own liking rather than Gods - here is
actual transcript of what really took place)
Abraham: Son, I`m glad we could go hiking today.
Isaac: Yeah, so are we going to sacrifice some animals
for God?
God: Actually, Isaac. Hey Abraham, why dont you
grab your son, good, alright now. Tie him up,
yes, alright good, yep, now take out your knife.
Abraham: Now God, I dont like the sound of this,
come on, youre joking right?
God: No, cut up your son for me.
Abraham: Oh I know, youre just kidding. As long
as I`m willing to do anything for you, you`ll tell
me to stop at the last minute. No problem God,
anything you say.
God: Good, continue, good, yes, all the way, uh-huh.
Thanks Abraham, that really got me off. Oh man,
the looks on your faces, wow! Thats entertainment!
Hey, youre the kind of man I want with me up here!
Did you hear those screams? Wow!
Abraham: What? I cant believe I just did that.
God, you were supposed to stop me at the last minute
if I was willing to do it. Now look what you made
me do. I swear, this voice in my head is crazy.
Voice in Abrahams head: Good work, good job.
Now dispose of the body. Thats it, dig. Keep
Digging, alright youre going to get away with it!
Keep worshipping me now Abraham - dont forget to
worship me when you get home. Its a good thing
you killed your son for me, because I was gonna
kill you and throw you into Hell if you didnt.
But you still gotta worship me tonight, OK?
God comments on the meaning of the Crucifixion Technique
while teaching a class on Parenting Skills at Pendleton
Community College
Student: Teacher, I have a question,
now I had to forgive the mailman,
so I already crucified one
of my two sons.
God: Yes - if I may interject, what
did the mailman do to you that you
have to forgive?
Student: Oh, he got the mail wet
several times. So anyway, I crucified
my son. But now I have to forgive my
other son for wetting his bed.
God: Good - class this is a tricky
situation, it makes a very good illustration,
if you know how to handle this kind of thing
then its really quite simple.
God: Tell your other son that you
can only forgive him if he believes
that it`s his fault you crucified you
other son. This is critical, you have
to be absolutely firm on this point.
If your other son wont accept the blame
for you crucifying his brother, then
you will have to punish him forever.
Student: Yes, well I think I can do that.
I must have 200 people I`m already punishing
forever.
God: Class, this is important. In the
absence of the crucifying you son technique,
you should punish someone forever - such
as with my fire punishment. But with the
crucify your son technique, you can forgive
anyone who will believe that it was their
fault you crucified your son.
Student: Teacher, if I may ask, what is
it that makes the technique so effective?
God: Youre asking why. You dont think I know?
Expelled. I dont care. You all know the rules.
Angels...