Ten Rules of Prophecy You Can Try at Home
(Excerpt from upcoming book)

Look Out, Here Comes Tomorrow

Prophecy—the age-old business of forecasting doom and getting to say “I told you so!” when nobody listens. True believers and skeptics both enjoy this material because they both think it makes their case. Believers use it to prove their faith in the Bible’s divine origins and skeptics deploy it to demonstrate that it’s all twaddle. Only one can be right. Let’s see which.

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The word “prophet” comes from the Greek meaning to “speak forth,” and, boy, did they ever do that. You couldn’t shut them up. They were masters at pestering people with visions of an impending doom, followed by a utopia full of devout worshippers like themselves--if you can call that utopia. They usually popped up in troubled times, and the ancient Israelites had plenty of those. They were a small theocracy dominated by the big, powerful empires all around them. Well, when all you can do is wail in frustration at the woes of the world and swear that someday a miraculous power will straighten it all out, that’s what you do. And the Old Testament prophets (Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and Daniel) did this very effectively because they followed a set of rules—I count ten—that any prophet worth his fire and brimstone can use to spruce up his track record.

How to Become a Prophet

Predicting the future has always been a dubious calling, whether you were a court astrologer in ancient China, a tea leaf reader in Victorian England, or psychic-of-the-month taking calls on Larry King. Regardless of how one gets a glimpse of tomorrow, prophecy, in all its forms, presents certain credibility problems. For one, it undermines both our much-abused friend, Free Will, and our old nemesis, Original Sin. If some visionary sees previews of coming attractions, it means the future is predetermined, and that means you can’t do anything about it. There's no Free Will at work. Therefore, you can’t be blamed for what happens, right? Silly you. With Yahweh in charge you can always be blamed. He’s got to throw thunderbolts at somebody and, if it isn’t your pagan enemies, it’s gonna be you.

But if a prophet says the dye of destiny is already cast, how can you be held responsible? Some claim that God shapes the broad sweep of history but leaves the little everyday decisions to us. This doesn’t add up. Major events are nothing but an accumulation of all the little choices made by everyone every day. If we have free will, then those actions are spontaneous and there is no fixed future. If there is a fixed future, then all those little actions can’t be spontaneous. Karl Marx made this same mistake, insisting that human events were guided by “inevitable forces of history” that would lead humanity to a world communist state. Turns out history wasn’t so inevitable.

Another argument says that, for God, time isn’t linear. For him, everything happens at once. Since all futures exist, he knows what they are, even if the decisions that will determine which future unfolds are still being made by us, who are trapped in chronological time. Got that? This Star Trekish theory ignores that fact that God didn’t show his prophets all possible futures, just one. God is choosing one specific destiny.

We could just wave a white flag on the issue and say “It’s a mystery,” but that’s too easy. Besides, it’s not really a mystery. There are many tried-and-true methods for successful prophecy found all through the Bible and, yes, you can try these at home.

Rule 1: Be Interesting

Whatever you’re predicting, it’s got to be a grabber. Nobody will listen if you say, “And the people shall rise with the sun and toil the day, and return home upon sunset to eat of their dinner, and wash of the dishes, and taketh out of the trash.” It may come to pass, but it’s boring. Prophets can’t be boring.

Rule 2: Be Loud

Prophets usually “cry out” and “beseech” and say things like, “Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O nations of the earth!” They’re drama queens. Like your hypochondriac aunt, it’s all about getting some “woe-is-me” attention. Successful prophets don’t whisper or mumble. They raise the rafters. They’re masters at being a public nuisance. Soapboxes are good, hilltops are better. And saying “O!” a lot helps. It’s a very loud vowel.

Rule 3: Be Vague

Don’t pin yourself down. If you’re condemning a king or an empire, don’t name it. That dates your material. Instead, liken your enemy to a fierce dragon or a hungry lion or a smelly guinea pig. Equate the people they oppress with sheep to be slaughtered, or wheat to be harvested, or macaroni to be cheesed. This way, believers will be reinterpreting your ramblings for centuries.

Metaphors are the mother’s milk of prophecy. Don’t say anything directly if you can offer mystifying symbolism instead. “The eagle shall scorch its wings on the sun and fall into the pit, where the jackals shall devour it.” You could throw a dart at a history book and hit something to fit this prophecy. Swords symbolize conquest, except when they symbolize justice. Silver and gold emblemize greed, except when they’re God’s reward for spiritual purity. Serpents are evil except when they’re wise. A day can be a thousand years. And absolutely anything can represent Jesus.

Whatever you do, don’t be clear. Give your fans a puzzle to work on; that’s what they love about you. Give them the freedom to construe your work to mean anything that makes them happy. Talk of “evil-doers” versus “the righteous,” but don’t specify who they are. Those terms are nice empty vessels into which your followers can pour their personal baggage. And use better metaphors than that because baggage can’t be poured.

Rule 4: Be Weird

Coming off like a man possessed is half the job. Prophets don’t look like insurance salesmen, farmers, or cops. They look like Nick Nolte’s mug shot. You need a “look”? Don’t hang out in front of the church. Loiter around a rehab clinic. And never wear pants. Name one major prophet who ever wore pants.

Rule 5: Predict the Inevitable

Some prophecies can’t miss. “A great man will die and grief shall follow,” or “A drought will bring hunger and the suffering shall rise in anger.” Sometime in the next thousand years these predictions will come true. Wait long enough and almost everything happens. “America shall bomb a small country in the name of freedom and the French will object.” That one happens every ten years.

Rule 6: No Timetables

Never offer a clear, precise date for your predictions. Sure, you might get lucky, and some of the biggies did. But most of the time specific dates come back to bite you in the ass. Say things like, “No one knows the hour…” or “For the time shall come to pass when…” Phrases like this give your rants a longer shelf life. The only time you break this rule is if you need quick cash, in which case a specific date can put a fire under a few butts to build up a lucrative following prior to doomsday. But before the deadline arrives you better have an exit strategy, or a really good excuse for why the prophecy didn’t come true. I’d go with the exit strategy.

Rule 7: Cover Your Bases

Predict doom and gloom, but envision glorious days as well. Forecast disease, death, and constipation. But also promise great days of health, happiness, and regularity. God will be angry. God will be pleased. God striketh down and lifteth up. He is terrifying and glorious. We will die tomorrow. We will live forever. The great and terrible Day of the Lord shall see utter destruction and everlasting righteousness, etc., etc. You can’t go wrong.

Rule 8: Be Passionate about the Obvious

Spew forth platitudes nobody can disagree with. Boldly declare that sunny days, baby bunnies, and motherhood are just great and you don’t care who knows it. “For the wicked are evil and the righteous are just!” “The wise shall be smart and the foolish stupid.” “The rains shall pour down and all shall be wet.” You get the idea.

Rule 9: Write a Lot

Verbiage is your friend. The more you write, the greater the chance you’ll stumble onto the right thing. With centuries of history to rifle through, they’ll be plenty of events to match your predictions if you make enough of them. Give your fans the opportunity to find something that speaks to their personal bugaboo. If you churn out enough thick volumes of sleep-inducing imagery, the only parts anyone will remember are the hand-selected verses that seem to work.

Rule 10: Predict the Past

This never fails. Attribute your work to an ancient prophet and have him foresee events that are far in his future but are yesterday’s news to you. The Bible does this a lot. We know this because the prophets sometimes employ terms that were not around in their own day, but came into use long after the prophecy came true. Or they describe events centuries in their future with great accuracy yet bungle descriptions of their own times--suggesting the writer actually lived in the future time and was only pretending to write centuries earlier.

If you’re tempted to call this practice pious fraud…well, that’s just being rude. The intent was to give new writings the authority of the ancients. It would be a wrong to call this lying. Of course, it would be equally wrong to call it prophecy.

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