I wrote this for a MySpace blog and thought I would put it up here, as well.

I hate Christmas. And not just because it is a celebration (supposedly) of the birth of a man that probably never existed. If this poor schmuck did exist, he wasn't born on December 25, but that's another story that I am not going to get into here. Yes, December 25th is now the holiday extraordinaire on which the average human overspends and overeats at a humongous rate. Atheists need not fret about taking the "Christ" out of Christmas as he is already gone…long gone. It's all about consumption and lots of it.

By the end of the day on the 4th Thursday in November, the average American is happily eyeing the boxes of Christmas decorations stored in the garage or basement. Children type their Christmas lists via computer or text message their gift requirements to their parents, causing power fluctuations and cell phones to drop signals around the globe. As the sun goes down on Thanksgiving night, and Americans sleepily get ready for bed, a cacophony of 299,346,287 flushing toilets, human farts, and dysfunctional family quarrels signal the official start of the Christmas season. It's time to get busy!

If a Christmas tree lot does not appear out of nowhere yet by Thanksgiving, one will miraculously appear by the morning after. Apparently 1/16th of the population of North Carolina sells Christmas trees and together, the tree salespeople don't have a full set of teeth. But what they do have is trees and lots of them, literally! Here in Florida, a 6' tree will cost you $175.00. Stands are now made in China (the heart of Christmas country), and you will have to fork over another $20. to get one. Gone are the metal stands with 4 screws and a plastic bucket. If you have one of those old things, you possibly have a valuable antique and may be able to afford a tree after selling your old stand on Ebay.

That Friday after Thanksgiving, almost every car has 4 things: a bumper sticker that says either "God is My Co-Pilot" or "Are you following Jesus this close?", a $150. Christmas tree precariously tied to the roof of the car with flimsy string, a driver talking on a cell phone who doesn't know how to drive with or without a tree tied to the roof, and at least 2 loud, screaming children.

Once the tree is up and the lights have been put on, it's time to move outside, where more lights and plastic decorations are applied to the house and lawn (if you live in New England, there is an undisputed law that requires you to leave your lights up until July). At this point, electric company CEOs smile in unison. It is no longer friendly neighbor against neighbor in the attempt to outdo at holiday displays…now the ultimate is for your outside Christmas display video to kill the competition and get more than 1,000,000 hits on YouTube.

Retail salespeople (I speak from experience) dread the Friday after Thanksgiving as stores increase their hours; some will be open 24 hours a day. No normal person should want to go to a mall for any reason, yet, millions and millions of people will descend upon malls as early as 6:00 AM, to shop 'till they drop. And people aren't paying for gifts with cash, they are using their credit cards. The average American will spend $750. on Christmas presents (2005 statistics). For those that don't like malls, one can now shop online. An entire universe of shopping is now available. The internet is virtual shopping heaven for the shopaholic in the family. But what the heck! It's Christmas!

Some people say that they don't care about the giving/receiving part of Christmas; it's the "family time" that is important, they say. To this I say BULLSHIT. Every day should be family day. Some families should stay apart, too. I don't want to spend my precious spare time with my in-laws. They fight constantly, eat like bears getting ready to hibernate, and do nothing but watch "Wheel of Fortune" and "CSI" on TV. Family members with small children (or grandchildren) drive me insane. One has to feign interest as they talk ad nauseum about their Wunderkids and their never-ending, record-setting sport and academic accomplishments that are outdone only by their physical attractiveness! BLAH! And their kids break things, hog my computer, say "like" every other word and call my favorite music "old school". There is a cure for this disease called BIRTH CONTROL!