I love this stuff. I like to incorporate the scientific explanations for the 'biblical phenomena' most of the time.

Tell me if this is any good or anything like you're looking for:

Our imaginations, if allowed to run uncontrolled, can be quite dangerous to others and ourselves. They can also be quite useful. Occasionally, we daydream of distant places and different times. We use these daydreams to both escape reality and to clarify it.
I ask you, the reader, to come along as I drift into a daydream of a far off place in a long past time. Sound familiar? Yes. I’m sure it does. However, there are no lightsabers in this story. Let us begin over a millennium BCE.
An illegitimate child is born to Pharaoh’s daughter. She tries to keep the baby boy a secret from her father by hiding the child with the slaves. She then concocts a story about finding the baby at the Nile’s edge.
WAIT A MINUTE! STOP!
Do I look like a dumbass? Are you trying to make me believe that the Nile’s crocodiles did not feast upon such a tasty morsel as an unprotected baby?
No. I’m asking you to daydream with me. May I continue?
Pharaoh, who loves his daughter, cannot bear to tell her that she cannot keep and adopt the baby. So, she raises her own baby as her adopted baby. This child receives a royal Egyptian education.
The Egyptians were arguably the most well developed civilization of their time. They studied everything about their world with special regard to the natural environment and astronomy. Their gods were many and each had their own particular dominion. The only people to have access to all of the knowledge were the royalty such as the adopted child.
The adopted child grew and learned. The others around him gained knowledge of his origination. Naturally, like all spoiled, elitist children, they pointed out to him that he was not of royal blood. His mother and grandfather did not tolerate this by commanding others to accept him as a prince of Egypt. Of course, he was not the oldest prince in Egypt. Else he would become Pharaoh upon grandpa’s demise. Grandpa dies, finally. Our little prince accepts his secondary place at an uncle’s, an older brother’s or a cousin’s side. However, the little prince sees this as unfair.
Time goes by and our prince becomes a man. Without his grandfather or mother to defend his heritage anymore, he is forced to accept a lower station. Perhaps as a general or a cabinet member.
This, now former prince begins his plot to exact revenge upon his oppressors. He studies the workings of the present regime in detail. He continues his education while the present royalty allows themselves to bask in decadence and ignorance. Slowly, he makes some knowledge disappear from the minds of the next generation of royalty in favor of games and unproductive behavior. After all, there are slaves to do the work and Egyptians need only reap the benefits.
He notices that the slaves, while not fed well, are stronger than their masters. Several of the slaves have a religion which they follow involving a different deity. Apparently they are too poor to have many gods. The slaves have only one and it is an all-powerful god. This slave race is powerful yet even more ignorant of the natural world than the present royalty. The slaves would be a powerful army if fed well and organized behind a common cause.
Our prince chooses the slave god with the most followers. Yahweh is its name. Yahweh made the world, according to the Israelite captives. Because their ancestors did not follow Yahweh’s orders, they are punished by being enslaved to the Egyptians. This looks promising to our former prince. He studies the climate and the stars looking for his opportunity. He leaves Egypt with a promise to return to the slaves at a later date.
He bides his time until at last the moon and stars are aligned perfectly for his return. He returns as a slave and cites his leaving Egypt to fear for his life due to defending one of them. He also returns with a created message from the Israelite’s god, Yahweh, confirming his mission to free the slaves of Egypt.
The current Pharaoh is one of his family members and seeks to regain his allegiance to Egypt. Pharaoh grants him audience. Our ex-prince knows that he must use his knowledge in a way that exalts Yahweh and not himself in front of the Israelites. In order to do this, he must use multiple ‘signs’ hidden not only from the Egyptians, but from his hopeful slave army as well. He takes one of the Israelites into his confidences and raises him and his tribe above the others to be the personal servants of Yahweh. These men will be the silent arms of our prince’s secret plot.
Our prince takes three parlor tricks to his first audience with Pharaoh. He knows that there are snakes that can be made to hold a stiff position. He knows that cutting off the circulation to one’s hand causes it to appear to be white and bloodless as if dying. He knows that dried blood will settle in an urn until water and an anti-coagulant causes it to be fluid again. These three unobtrusive things he takes to Pharaoh and produces a snake from a rod, his hand to die and be re-born, and water to become blood upon the sand. Pharaoh’s priests tell Pharaoh that these are parlor tricks. Pharaoh refuses to acquiesce to the former prince’s demands.
Our prince knows that this could happen, but has much more up his sleeves. He commands the secret force to pollute water with pig remains mixed with salt and other chemicals upstream causing pfisteria, a genetic mutation of algae. The fish die and the rivers and tributaries turn red with blood. Our prince attributes this ‘miracle’ to an angry Jehovah, formerly Yahweh. He is refused again because the rivers begin to flow with good water again. Our prince knows that frogs will not stay in the salty water for too long so he tells Pharaoh that Jehovah will send an army of frogs into the city. The frogs come in droves to get away from the bad water with no food in it. The frogs pass through the city and Pharaoh sees that the frog population is diminishing. At this time, Pharaoh knows something is amiss with the prince’s demands to let the Israelites vacation to worship their one god.
The dead frogs left behind from this migration create a stench that stirs the animals and the people. Since the waters weren’t clean and smelled of dying things, no one bathed and the lice population swelled. Our prince had definitely foreseen this as a natural occurrence after fouling the water supply. Of course with all of the itching and open sores upon the people, it was a natural conclusion that the next problem would be with flies that smelled all of the rotting flesh and had laid their eggs in the rotting corpses of the animals killed before.
Since the water had returned to normal and most of the dead animals had been cleaned up then the lice and the flies went away. Pharaoh saw this as our prince knowing some knowledge about the animal kingdom. He refused to give the Israelites their vacation in the wilderness.
Our former prince turned to his secret troops yet again. He commanded the secret force to give his special mixture of anti-poison feed to the animals of the Israelites thus immunizing them against the feed containing the poison. He then ordered the secret force to poison the animals of the Egyptians since it was the slaves who fed the animals of both master and slave. When our prince calculated that the poison had run its course, he appeared to Pharaoh to point out that Egypt’s livestock would die. When it did, Pharaoh was of course riddled, but felt that soon the Israelite’s cattle would fall as well and citing the fact that the Israelite slaves tended all of the animals.
Since Pharaoh was still unwilling to capitulate to his demands, our princely hero decided that germ warfare would be the next step. Using his secret force, now called Levites, to disperse his ultimate germ weapon, a bacteriophage of Staphylococcus aureus upon the people of Egypt to cause boils and sores infecting the lice and fly bites from earlier in the story.
Time was running short for the hero. He had to wrap this ‘plague’ up because the weather pattern was developing for his next ‘divine’ revelation. A volcanic eruption had given our hero another edge. The weather would change as soon as the ash made its way to the atmosphere. Hail would be in the forecast but only for the higher elevations. The valley where he had commanded all of the Israelites would not see the hail because it would still remain warm enough to melt into rain before reaching that low point. Our prince spent a great deal of time watching the skies and the climate because many of the Egyptian folklores spoke of the sky and worried much about inclement weather. The season was ready since the wheat had not grown. The rain would be coming soon and it was going to be a cold one. It was bad enough that the rain came early but the barley and the flax was still before the bloom and it didn’t survive nature’s onslaught. If only the Egyptians had studied their farmer’s almanac. When the weather subsided, Pharaoh chalked this one up to weather and began to understand the intelligence that our prince possessed.
Still using his knowledge of entomology, our hero knew that this weather would stir the insects of the fields in this year of their numbers swelling, the locusts. With no good plants to feed upon, the locusts had to find alternate food to support their swarm. Schistocerca gregaria, the African locust, swarms in the billions and their pattern is well known to modern day entomologists. It was also well known to such a man as our hero, the well-educated former prince. He was also banking on the volcano’s eruption would drive the swarm toward the city.
Since most of the crops were already beaten down by the weather, the locust swarm died from starvation. Pharaoh once again realized that he had been totally caught off-guard by this intelligent adversary and his ‘god’, Jehovah. Doubly angered by this, Pharaoh refused to let the slaves leave. They would share the fate of Egypt in the name of their ‘appointed’ messiah, our intelligent prince.
Pharaoh did not know the cause of these horrible ‘plagues’ any more than he knew that the volcano’s ash was high overhead and traveling his way. When our hero knew that it was nearly time for the clouds to settle over the high places he ordered the Israelites back into Goshen, the low point where the clouds were far off and traveling away so that the sun would still be upon them while darkness was over the part of the city most inhabited by Egyptians.
The Egyptians, now thoroughly convinced that our prince had powers over the sky beseeched their Pharaoh to let them go. After all, there were no more crops to tend, no more animals to shepherd, and precious little in the food stores to maintain their own upkeep let alone that of the slaves.
However, Pharaoh was not amused. Especially since the darkness went away. He was very angry. He ordered never to see our hero’s face again. So, our hero decided that it was time to take this stuff to the next level. No more animals. No more weather. The only thing left to do was to kill the children. Not all of the children, only the older ones because our hero had a soft spot for the younger ones having been a younger sibling himself. He also wanted to do this because elder children would marry first and we all know that little Egyptians make big Egyptians. It would be better to kill them now than to wait for them to grow up and defeat his now loyal army of Jehovah worshippers.
So, the prince set his forces to work with the same timed poison that he used on the livestock, adjusting his time for the smaller victims.

(to be continued)

I like it. I think it's kind of like going around your asshole to get to your elbow just to explain a myth, but then, that's the fun of it all, right?

I spend entirely too much time enjoying my life to be able to claim that I know the origins of all the biblical stories, but I do know that virtually every time I've taken the time to research one, I've found a very similar story that dates back to a culture before the Hebrews. My best guess is that most of the biblical stories had aged like a fine wine by the time the authors got a hold of them.

The interesting thing about the Moses story is that it's pretty specific to a historically verifiable time in Egypt. The funny part? No record of a mass exodus of slaves. No record of an adopted prince. No record of a plague killing every single firstborn. Wow... That would have been a coverup even Hollywood would think was too ridiculous to put on film.

(Oh, and incidentally, if you believe the Biblical numbers, there were more slaves in Egypt than Egyptians. How exactly did they get organized to leave in one day?)

Ah... Fun with religion. I almost never get tired of it.

Speaking of self indulgence, I re-read this blog entry just now, after reading replies to yesterday's blog.  There are lots of new people on the boards, so I thought I'd give this a little bump.

Yes, people.  Read my blog.  Love it.  Live it.  Eat it for breakfast with a slice of jam and toast.

Ah... bald-faced self-promotion.  It's what's for dinner.

I'm glad you did, I had a great laugh.  It's quite similar to something I've sometimes thought of but never even gotten around to starting ... re-writing the bible as a modern book of fiction even going so far as changing people and place names, just to see how many pick up on it or if it could in any way make a story.  I'm so far from starting I haven't even read my source book or "muse" from start to finish.  One day, maybe, but most likely not. 

See, where C.S. Lewis fucked up is he wanted people to get it.  Well, that and he had precious little understanding of plot development.  Or, maybe his inspirational material didn't flow as well as he thought...

Anyway, I think the only way to write a successful biblical rip-off is to avoid the whole death/resurrection thing, cause everybody spots that right away.  Better to stick with the OT Kings and such.

Well, then there was the Matrix... but we won't get into that.