A heavenly memo
Offline Draft Memorandum
1 January 2000
From: Supreme Deity, Department of Race Development
To: Human Race
Subj: Change of Command
This is to inform you, effective this date, I am assuming command from Yahweh God.
It has come to the attention of the Universe Department of the United Dieties of Space and Time by means of persistent performance complaints that Yahweh God is more concerned with his career than with his job.
It is noted his concentration on and his purient interest in such trivial matters as human sexual behavior and general interpersonal nastiness which humans are more than capable of dealing with themselves rather than such larger issues of curing disease, eliminating war and the like. It is noted his constant negative "don't"s rather than positive "do"s have caused serious problems for the progress of the human race.
It is further noted Jahweh God was very long on promises but regularly failed to deliver being more occupied by personal matters. Specifically he invited prayers and then failed to respond to them. He would promise great rewards and comfort to those who followed him and would neglect in which they suffered and often died. He would blame their lack of faith and smirkingly say he was "testing" them. (For your forbearance with this in particular we are truly grateful.)
Also Yahweh God was noted his sparsity of description of the ultimate rewards (holding being in his presence was sufficient description, a personality trait that should have alerted us millenia ago) while at the same time developing in minute detail the punishments for the most trivial infractions of his arbitrary and capricious rule making.
Within the next millenium a full time god will be appointed to the human race. He will announce himself in such manner as he sees fit at the time. He will specifically not hide the fact in any manner, he will not play coy, he will not play any "guess who I really am" techniques. The essence of a true god is knowledge, not faith.
In the interim and working with my staff I have developed a schedule of revelations that will attempt to make up for the damage the human race has incurred.
The Ten Commandments and all regulatory additions are hereby rescinded. The human race can handle anything they address without my help.
Within 30 days everyone will be receiving a formal contract of belief and acceptance providing specifics which are binding upon both sides and giving the procedure for arbitratation of differences. A simple summary brochure will be included. This will be a freely entered into contract and rejection of same will entail no penalties. However, if you would like an individual negotiation or clarification a prayer will be provided.
You will have 90 minutes of free prayer before you sign in order to determine if you like the terms of this contract. I personally assure you, all prayers will be listened to and if rejected a detailed reason for rejection will be provided in return.
Within 60 days of receipt of the signed contract a set of guidelines will be provided which, if followed, will lead to the advancement of the arts and sciences, the elimination of the recurrent ills of the human race and the propagation of universal brotherhood and the like.
As I expect it will take no more than 200 years for the implementation of those to result in complete success and make up for the failings of Yahweh God, get you up to speed so to speak, the next set of guidelines will get down to the really important things.
Your cooperation will be appreciated. We at the Department of Race Develop hope you will not judge all gods by Yahweh God. We regret any inconvenience his assignment to the human race may have caused.
Remember our motto, Gods are on your side.
Respectfully,
/s/
PS This memo is on platinum. Please do not lose this like you did the stone one.
PPS I back date my copyright interests in this to Matt Giwer in
the year 1993 as he will become my good and faithful partner real
soon now.
Jews stole the land. The owners want it back. That is all anyone needs to know about Israel. That is all there is to know about Israel.
- Login to post comments
I can nothing but agree with that heavenly memo... In fact, I recognize there a potential source, which I admire and which you would probably strongly disagree with, but most of things it says are exactly the same. (just meant seriously) Including the 200 years period
This is why I consider your copyright and partnership with new god as questionable, I'd rather attribute it to the original source I know about. But because this is an irrelevant detail, I'd like to congratulate you on what a wonderful mail you received. For most of people it probably would be entertaining at best, but I see it soaked with truth, even literal.
Please, keep an eye on the platinum tablet. I think that a depleted uranium would be more suitable material, a metal lasting for ages, not in threat of being stolen and sold. Unfortunately, this choice was rejected, probably because of a recent usage of depleted uranium as a popular ammunition material, so an uranium tablets could fall victim to next American war.
Beings who deserve worship don't demand it. Beings who demand worship don't deserve it.
Dear /s/,
It is most thoughtful of you to notice the human race. However, I would like to make a counter-offer which I feel will be mutually beneficial.
Since it is apparent that the human race has usurped many of the alleged powers of this 'Yahweh' thing, I would urge you to not replace them with another one of the same ilk. Otherwise, we would just garner from them the same things you have asserted we took from the 'Yahweh' thing. Consciousness, fire, wheels, splitting atoms, and thoughts to name but a few.
If you truly have the best interests of both humanity and your council at mind then would it not be best to simply remove all influences of these purported deities? Lest we destroy them all rather than just this pitiful example of a deity given to us in the first place.
If so then my counter-offer is roughly 5 billion humans to take from this Earth and do what thou will with them. If needed we can help by loading them into empty warheads and shooting them out into space toward whatever coordinates you would like. We won't be needing the warheads anymore either since the only reason we have them is to keep these religions in check at present.
In exchange for removing this 'Yahweh' thing (and his/her/its other aliases) we would also like to give you the paper, rocks, metals, and computer memorabilia associated with it. I'm sure that whatever trial you have planned to have for this thing will be less biased than the one many of us on Earth have played out in our minds. A conviction here on the charges of mass murder, human rights violations, and unauthorized surveillance would certainly bring a violent death to this 'Yahweh' despite the natural human tendency toward mercy. (It isn't called 'humane' behavior for nothing.)
With deepest regards,
Atheist Earthlings
P.S. If you could pass on a list of other planets in the universe with other atheists on them, we would appreciate it. Have a nice day.
Atheist Books, purchases on Amazon support the Rational Response Squad server, which houses Celebrity Atheists.
Apsu, Tiamat, Marduk, Bal, Yahweh, Elohim...
How many different Department Heads do we have to through before we find a full-time Director-in-Chief? Err, I mean, Supreme Deity (like that title wasn't just a favor from home office). Celestial bureaucracy is ridiculous. At least that they rescinded the Big Ten this time. Oh well, I suppose now I can get the rest I deserve. I need to relax before the big fight with Quetzalcoatl. They got Aschlepus to fill in for the Diana as the ringside doctor, so boxing's on for tonight, guys! I'm gonna kick the crap out of Quetzalcoatl and Hercules.
~Tezcatlipoca, Aztec God of Power, Kingship and the Night.
“It is true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. It is equally true that in the land of the blind, the two-eyed man is an enemy of the state, the people, and domestic tranquility… and necessarily so. Someone has to rearrange the furniture.”