Hilariously Depressing Specimens of Epic Xian Failures
Offline This thread is intended to be another quotes thread in the same vein as the earlier thread of funny quotes. Only this time, we're not hunting general funny quotes from just the RRS forum members. We're specifically hunting quotes from xians from any source.
Criteria:
1) The specimen must be from an argument in god/xianity's favor.
2) The specimen must be marvelously dense. The kind of statement you can't rebut because you are either laughing too hard or are still trying to believe the person actually just said it.
3) Quoting the xian's interlocutor for context is okay
I realize that a shitload of xians say a shitload of stupid things all the time, so show me the ones that are the most entertaining and/or fascinating!
Now... onto busines....
Our first specimen is an evolved form of xian whose head has developed a frictionless and utterly cling-free surface. Observe how things seem to just slide right over it (emphases are mine):
Q: Is Noah's Ark derived from the Epic of Gilgamesh?
What would be expected if Genesis were a copy of Gilgamesh? The first striking thing that one notices when reading the Epic of Gilgamesh is how silly the story is. Part of the silliness is because of the obviously human-like behavior of the gods. They are constantly fighting amongst each other, plotting and deceiving each other. One would expect this part of the story to be removed from a Genesis copy. Therefore, we would expect that the Genesis account would be changed to involve some kind of judgment, since Yahweh (God) does not capriciously destroy humans, as was done in the Gilgamesh epic. It would, therefore, make sense that Noah would be chosen for his righteousness although Utnapishtim was chosen for no apparent reason."
--snip--
"There are a couple possible explanations for the existence of multiple ancient flood accounts. One - that Genesis was a copy of Gilgamesh - has already been discussed and does not seem to fit the available data. The other possible explanation is that the flood was a real event in the history of mankind that was passed down through the generations of different cultures. If so, the Gilgamesh account seems to have undergone some rather radical transformations. The story is a rather silly myth that bears little resemblance to reality. In contrast, the Genesis account is a logical, seemingly factual account of a historical event. It lacks the obvious mythological aspects of the Gilgamesh epic."
We shall name this specimen Peeweenus Hermanus after the coiner of the old adage, no doubt inspired by Descartes, "I know you are, but what am I?"
This week's xian brought to you by: http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/gilgamesh.html .
A place common to all will be maintained by none. A religion common to all is perhaps not much different.
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All uttered by a xtian former friend of mine:
“god punishes people by making them gay”
“If anybody has a Free Mason in their family history they’re cursed until god breaks it”
“At the top level of Free Masonry they meet with satan twice a year to discuss business plans for the world”
“NASA has proven the sun revolves around the earth like the bible says but no one will believe them”
“NASA is always finding evidence to support creationism and kind of says on their site they support creationism but they can’t say it openly or they’ll lose funding”
“I was reading on creationism .com and there’s like four areas where evolution is winning but all the rest creationism is far ahead
Psalm 14:1 "the fool hath said in his heart there is a God"-From a 1763 misprinted edition of the bible
Argument from Sadism: Theist presents argument in a wall of text with no punctuation and wrong spelling. Atheist cannot read and is forced to concede.
Random conversation with a customer:
"something happened to me when I was in the hospital, I was so sick, my husband said I was really out of it. That is when god spoke to me, now I pray to him all the time.."
My sister when asked why she believes in god:
"because"
Census bureau representatives response to my question: Do I have to answer any questions about my religious beliefs or political views?(keep in mind I had this person laughing and built a great rapport with her)
"[insert govt. blah blah blah] and we would appreciate the accuracy of your answer, it is confidential. There are quite a few in the neighborhood that are Muslim (smiling) I assume you are going to mark Christian..."
A worker at the local Borders when I asked to see all books regarding atheism:
"that is under self-help (walking to the area) now are you buying this for someone else? A struggle with a disease can be a life changing event. *me-do you know what atheism is?* "ya (looking completely honest) my pastor said it was a horrible disease!" DOH!
Slowly building a blog at ~
http://obsidianwords.wordpress.com/
Morman Missionary: We are here to discuss God.
Jeffrick: I'm atheist. There is no god.
Morman missionary: Well my friends who are atheist believe in god.
Jeffrick; (to 2nd missionary) Tell your friend to get a dictionary. (door slams)
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
An actual exchange from another forum....
Question:
Quote:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Response:
No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.
Why didn't I get that memo?
"Anyone can repress a woman, but you need 'dictated' scriptures to feel you're really right in repressing her. In the same way, homophobes thrive everywhere. But you must feel you've got scripture on your side to come up with the tedious 'Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve' style arguments instead of just recognising that some people are different." - Douglas Murray
My usually intelligent theist friend gave me this gem:
"All science is based upon is arrogance"
Atheist Books
Another actual quote from the same guy as my previous one.
It is the response at the bottom...
If I hadn't actually seen these things I would find them hard to believe...be sure to read the whole thing... I think it is a real contender for "Moronic Statement of the Decade".
You can add nearly anything posted by Paisely or Presup....
no, that must be a joke
that one about us being a sect of muslims is also funny
I've been searching around and found a lot of stuff....a lot more than I expected...and it is getting depressing. There seem to be many people (or a few very vocal ones anyway) who advocate killing atheists. They consider us non-humans. One guy thinks they should harvest our organs for real ("godly"
humans to use. The ignorance, bigotry and hatred of some of the "christians" I am finding is pretty overwhelming. Hope I find another funny one soon...
Ok, here's one...somebody actually said this, on Facebook.
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Masturbation can sometimes be wrong and it can sometimes not. If you masturbate thinking about how pretty the flowers are and how you want a puppy, essentially that's not wrong. But most times, that is not the case. I believe that when one masturbates a high percentage of the time they are fantasizing about a sexual partner therefore making masturbation lust. Lust, as the Bible states, is a sin. But masturbation is something that people in general should stay away from because it's hard not to lust whilst doing it.
Ok, if someone is masturbating about flowers and puppies, then the last of their worries is if they are thinking about the hot wife next door. These people never cease to amaze me in their stupidity.
Especially puppies! What if their own wife happens to be away for some reason (or they are away from her) and they picture her?
Matt Shizzle has been banned from the Rational Response Squad website. This event shall provide an atmosphere more conducive to social growth. - Majority of the mod team
I don't know if any of you have seen this one, but here it goes:
From:
http://smashboards.com/showpost.php?p=1073734&postcount=232
Creationist almost discovers the Sun. Also destroys my faith in humanity at the same time.
"You say that it is your custom to burn widows. Very well. We also have a custom: when men burn a woman alive, we tie a rope around their necks and we hang them. Build your funeral pyre; beside it, my carpenters will build a gallows. You may follow your custom. And then we will follow ours."
British General Charles Napier while in India
I like how he tried to sound really intellectual but ultimately ends up sounding like a fucktard.
Atheist Books
best quote ever
If I have gained anything by damning myself, it is that I no longer have anything to fear. - JP Sartre
This must be satire.
"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.
-Me
Books about atheism
From just a few days ago...the person below thinks murdering Universalist churchgoers is heroic...(not certain this meets the criteria stipulated by the starter of this thread but, oh well...)
Actual link to conversation:www.topix.com/us/2008/07/the-associated-press-police-man-shot-churchgoers-over-liberal-views/p5
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(about the right-wing terrorist who shot up the TN church)
The guy is a HERO. The first shot in the war on terror against the hateful liberal scumbags of this country. Bravo sir. BRAVO!
Let Moveon.org . DailyKos, MSNBC and the Huffington Post live in FEAR!
Bravo Zulu, Topix [Comments (77)] [2008-Jul-30]
A parents job is not to toilet train their children, it is to give them a strong moral upbringing.
Think about it: its one or the other. If your kid can crap in the right spot and not just anywhere, fine, but the priority should be to inculcate them with the right beliefs.
Which would you rather have, a child that drops the occasional deuce in his pants but knows to pray and not murder people, or some kid with pristine, unsoiled pants but blood on his or her hands?
Just remember this: every second spent explaining the workings of a toilet is one less second with the bible.
Hammarub, Nationstates Forum [Comments (76)] [2008-Jul-07]
or Llama
I wish I had your sense of certainty. How long has it been since you visited the Deep South, U.S.A.? This level of ignorance is not impossible.
Atheism isn't a lot like religion at all. Unless by "religion" you mean "not religion". --Ciarin
http://hambydammit.wordpress.com/
Books about atheism
To me, this one's funny....
"Every time we try to define god, we diminish him."
~ Rusty Fuller, Sr. Pastor, Trinity Baptist, Ada, OKlahoma
Oh and this little singing nugget from a friend of mine:
Me: So if you didn't have a bible, how would you know god was watching over you and how would you know that he loved you and cared for you?
Friend: (singing, after a very, very looooong thought-filled pause)
"Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so."
['Isn't the most basic rule of humanity to do unto others as you would have others do unto you?']
Exactly ! I want Islamics to accept Christ as their saviour the same way I have.
The Ascetic Crusader, Christian Forums [Comments (
] [2005-Oct-01]
scary, especially since most of us know the verse after that is: "Little ones to him belong they are weak but he is strong"
Vote for McCain... www.therealmccain.com ...and he'll bring Jesus back
"Could Behemoth be a Dinosaur? A Mighty Sauropod!"
Taken from a Youtube video I once saw, which seems to have mysteriously disappeared. However, the song can be found in this video, as ridiculed by a fat kid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hunA-BBsPTU&NR=1
Atheist Books
"Why can't the Jews and the Muslims live together in peace like good Christians."
"Very funny Scotty; now beam down our clothes."
VEGETARIAN: Ancient Hindu word for "lousy hunter"
If man was formed from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Any sentence beginning: "Well, in the bible it says........." usually causes me to laugh.
I remember when I asked one kid about how he explained away fossils and dinosaurs: "But fossils and dinosaurs are totally in the bible!"
And my favorite, when I finally backed a theist into a corner they couldn't bullshit their way out of: "You just think too much."
"We are the star things harvesting the star energy"
-Carl Sagan
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest." - Jimmy Swaggart
____________________________________________________________
"I guess it's time to ask if you live under high voltage power transmission lines which have been shown to cause stimulation of the fantasy centers of the brain due to electromagnetic waves?" - Me
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks please. Cash and in small bills." - Robert A Heinlein.
Since this thread is still going I will add another one of my favorites:
It is just too funny. Is it Poe, or does she really not get it that her son is gay? And who goes from "my son has dirty magazines with MEN in them under his bed" to "and so he must have a GIRLfriend."
"You say that it is your custom to burn widows. Very well. We also have a custom: when men burn a woman alive, we tie a rope around their necks and we hang them. Build your funeral pyre; beside it, my carpenters will build a gallows. You may follow your custom. And then we will follow ours."
British General Charles Napier while in India
I'm surprised that no-one's put "fundies say the darndest things" down yet... http://www.fstdt.com/
Even links to some of the comments sections so you can see where it originally appeared
M
Forget Jesus, the stars died so that you could be here
- Lawrence Krauss
This is a really well crafted blog entry. It really offended ~and~ angered me, as any good christian should do. (especially #6)
If I have gained anything by damning myself, it is that I no longer have anything to fear. - JP Sartre
Yeah, Ray Comfort's an asshat.
Actually, that is where I've been finding the one's I've posted so far.
Many of them are way more depressing than they are hilarious though.
My initial reaction to your statement is to be offended, but then I remember you're not saying anything untrue.
"Faith, Faith is an island in the setting sun,
but proof, proof is the bottom line for everyone."
Proof, Paul Simon
Nothing this hard should taste so beefy.
I went to that site and started to read the top 100. At first I was laughing. Then as I continued I got more and more worried, slowly starting to cry on the inside. I still haven't gotten far, but now I can't bring myself to continue. It's just... too... much... ignorance...
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
Just think, it's only the "Top 100"....
"Faith, Faith is an island in the setting sun,
but proof, proof is the bottom line for everyone."
Proof, Paul Simon
Nothing this hard should taste so beefy.
I know the feeling...
I knew there was a lot of ignorance and hatred out there but after reading through a couple of hundred of those I began to realize that maybe the situation in this country is actually much, much worse than I thought.
"When someone is hung, all the demons that were in them go into the hangman" - My father
I despair of my family
Psalm 14:1 "the fool hath said in his heart there is a God"-From a 1763 misprinted edition of the bible
Argument from Sadism: Theist presents argument in a wall of text with no punctuation and wrong spelling. Atheist cannot read and is forced to concede.
Did he say why he thought that? Just curious.
He read it in a book about Smith Wigglesworth. Which apparently is the ultimate source of truth and facts.(After the bible I guess) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smith_Wigglesworth
Psalm 14:1 "the fool hath said in his heart there is a God"-From a 1763 misprinted edition of the bible
Argument from Sadism: Theist presents argument in a wall of text with no punctuation and wrong spelling. Atheist cannot read and is forced to concede.
Submitted by Zipperback
Average Rating: 4.88 Rated 77 times.As shown in the diagram above, when we undertake research in modern sciences, we follow generic steps to reach a conclusion or to accept or reject the null hypothesis. As the conclusion depends on the hypothesis, it does not necessarily reflect the truth. Considering that most people are unaware that a spiritual dimension exists, it is inevitable that most hypotheses will not consider the actual spiritual root causes. In spiritual research, seekers of God with advanced sixth sense obtain the answers from the Universal Mind and Intellect just by posing the question i.e. the multiple steps needed in modern sciences are not required. Hence when obtaining answers, the physical, psychological and spiritual realm is included. The level of ‘Truth’ in the answer however is directly proportional to the level of sixth sense of the researching seeker.
I don't have the words...
M
Forget Jesus, the stars died so that you could be here
- Lawrence Krauss
does this really come from a christian source? if so, it can't be mainstream. "universal mind"? "sixth sense"? this shit sounds like hegelianism meets sylvia browne.
"I have never felt comfortable around people who talk about their feelings for Jesus, or any other deity for that matter, because they are usually none too bright. . . . Or maybe 'stupid' is a better way of saying it; but I have never seen much point in getting heavy with either stupid people or Jesus freaks, just as long as they don't bother me. In a world as weird and cruel as this one we have made for ourselves, I figure anybody who can find peace and personal happiness without ripping off somebody else deserves to be left alone. They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I. . . . And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots."
--Hunter S. Thompson
Some of the writers examines what they wrote, and some of them just publishes it. Then, there are readers who less or more practices these generic steps of scientific research (as a part of a common sense) and who determines if the book is true or not and useful or not. As for books on spirituality, their value is very subjective, there's rather a spectrum of less or more present truth, than a simple true or not true content. It is common, that a book may be wonderful for one man, but the second man learned such a lesson as in the book about 10 years ago, so it's true, but not interesting already. It is a fact, that the more precise, factual and advanced the book is, the lesser favour in general population it has.
And of course, there are books which are rather harmful and thick with delusions. We had such a guy around who was just a channel for what he thought is an ultimate truth.
Beings who deserve worship don't demand it. Beings who demand worship don't deserve it.