Hello

I'm 17 years old and was brought up in a very very strict fundamentalist home. I live in New Zealand, which is actually officially a non-religous country.

I went through a very hard time just recently but particularly last year which resulted in a suicide attempt and then leaving home....

Even though I'm also a member of Ex-christian.net and Athiest nexus, I decided to join this forum also because of the effect the Rational Response Squad actually had on my doubts in 2008.

At the time I wasn't really a christian, but was actually in the process of researching most other religions behind my parents back. At the same time the pastor of the church I used to go to also introduced us to what I"m sure you've all heard of.. "The Way of the Master" by Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort.

No one around me was aware of everything that was going on in my mind at the time, and I was getting really confused, and beleive it or not, watching that series kind of helped because I realized how futile their arguments were. So while watching and meant to be learning how to witness to people (I was forced to do it but I only did it once), I did some quick googling and came across the Debate between Ray and Kirk and the Rational Response squad over the existence of god. That was what did it for me.

After that I emailed Ray and Kirk and debated the subject out with one of their staff members for about 6 months.... she didn't sway me one little bit, however I'm still very confused.

After being in a very protected environment with no tv, radio, magazines, newspapers, or internet(except when I managed to use it behind my parents backs), long skirts no longer than mid calf length, and doing an education of ACE up until now, I'm finding that its hard to stop being really scared that hell could possibly exist, even though I don't really beleive it.

Thanks to Ex-christian.net, I managed to handle another couple of months at home, until my parents found out about Ex-c. I was banned from the internet, and that was really really hard.

However I still managed to hack my mothers password and use the internet at night, and that was where my search continued. That stopped soon afterwards cos my parents figured out what was going on.

I have 2 sisters and a brother as well, but they are still devout Christians and always will be.  So while I was struggling with all of this, and deconverting, and still am, I planned to leave home.

The person I was still debating about god and the bible and whom I trusted so much told my parents of my plans, and I couldn't do it. But I did tell my dad I was an atheist, and he immediately kept preaching full on at me for 3 weeks until I reconverted, and I really did try, but it didn't work. And that was because it simply isn't true.

After this, the pastor kept doing studies with me and I kept throwing endless questions at him that he couldn't answer, especially the fact that the bible has no historicity behind it... but he still talked me into getting baptized. I knew I was wasting time and I really didn't want to go through with it. Little did I know that a week later I would be nearly dead, but surviving, my parents wouldn't notice, and when they did I would be sent to my pastor's place.

I attempted suicide on the 11 December 2008 by drinking a large amount of the most powerful cleaning bleach you can get over here in NZ. It burnt my throat and I still suffer side effects because of it.

I was vomiting constantly for about 48 hour after, and my family didn't notice, probably because they were getting ready for my sisters 21st birthday. AT that stage I had my first job and I told my employers everything, they totally understood. I went to my sister's birthday on the 13 Dec, and struggled through it. I was told by a few people afterwards they could see I was struggling.

On Sunday I went to church, and participated as if it was all real to me, but these 7 year olds asked me that day "Why do you not want to go to church?". So I realized. They know whats going on, but the Pastor and my family don't?

The next day I was really desperate for help so I rang the crisis youth workers, they insisted on ringing my parents even though I begged them not to. I walked inside and found my mother talking on the phone. 2 minutes later my father wanted to see me. I went into the lounge and didn't say anything, instead I let my depression show to them for the first time. They sent me to my pastor's place where I sat and told the pastor and his wife absolutely everything.. including a long history of physical abuse.

But I didn't tell him I'd attempted suicide. At the end of a long 2 hours he said to me "your problem is spiritual, and Jesus can help you" I just felt my head almost explode and even though I didn't, I wanted to shout "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A week later I went to see my flute teacher, and she let me use the internet. A couple of mates from Ex-c.net told me I needed to leave, and they suggested catching the bus, which is exactly what I did. I got up at 6.00, waited till the pastor had left at 6.30 for his prayer meeting, and then ran. It worked.

I'm still trying to understand why my parents disowned me because of all of this, as well as trying to work out where I stand so far as what I beleive is concerned. I'm attending a public school for the first time in my life, and I have to face bullying because I'm a class behind and because I didn't know who Harry Potter is.

I know this is a really long story, and I've left quite a bit out of it. But I just wanted to explain why I'm here, and what I'm struggling with.

Thanks.