(As someone in Freethinkers Anonymous asked about reading the Bible, I thought I might do a bit of a favor and just jot the gist of each chapter down in plain, modern language for them. And, y'know, have some fun while doing it. Hope you enjoy)

GENESIS

Chapter 1

First there was darkness and, well, not a whole lot else. This had God in somethng of a fit for some time, as He wanted to finally get down to the business of writing that book He'd always been meaning to but never quite got around to, and yet found His surroundings rather devoid of an appropriate surface to work on.

"...Well how the fuck am I supposed to do this? I can't exactly just set this thing down on the void, can I? Oy. Okay, okay... I think I've got an idea..."

*BAM*

Like any deity worth their salt, God managed to conjure-up a surface from the dark nothingness.

"Perfect. This'll work just dandy. Oh, fuck, wait... how the Hell am I supposed to see what I'm writing? Alright, just another minute..."

*BAM*

And there was light.

God immediately attacked the empty tome in front of Him while He still had an appetite for the project. Just a few paragraphs later, however, and a terrible itch began to develop in His throat. He was still on the wagon and determined not to hop off just yet, however, so needed to turn to a source other than His mini fridge for a much needed beverage.

*BAM*

A vast body of water (with quite a few heaping spoonfuls of salt, as He simply couldn't do without) appeared next to Him. He stuck in His favorite silly straw and slurped away.

"...Okay. Bored. I need a break."

*BAM*

A vast stretch of the surface God had conjured turned into a spongy green material. God laid down on it facing upward.

*BAM*

The void above God's head filled with bright yellow dots, and He synced-up his Wiimote and began playing PacMan. Inevitably he got backed into a corner and a ghost got him.

"Fuck. Okay, I need a second player to help me out."

*BAM*

A paramecium appeared next to God.

"Okay, buddy? You have to hold this thing - it's a Wiimote - just like I'm holding it. See where I'm pointing it? Yeah, it's so it registers properly. I know it can be a bit finicky, but I mean, it's usually pretty cool. Anyway, you just wave it around, and you see how the face up there move to where you point? Yeah, well, you have to move *your* face - you're the blue one, I'm red - around and eat all the bright yellow dots. Watch out for the ghosts and don't get trapped in dead ends. Oh, and if you eat the fruit, you can go nom on those sons of bitches ghosts and they'll run from you like piss out of some Huggies. Got it?"

The paramecium flapped it's flagella, and promptly died.

"Motherfucker. Okay, okay - I'll just get something a little..."

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

A few hours later, and God's writing surface was filled with a myriad of honking, chirping, hissing and splashing creatures - none of which were at all suitable for the player 2 position.

"...Son of a bitch. Is there any combination I haven't tried yet? Let's see, I'm pretty sure 'brains' is the key bit... I've tried tentacles and brains, hooves and brains, flippers and brains... oh. Oh, man. I've got it."

*BAM*

"...Yo God."

"Sup Adam. You down for some PacMan?"

"PacMan? The fuck?"

"Oh no, you don't understand. It's the original arcade version; they just released in on Wii arcade. You're thinking of the shitty Atari port; it's nothing like that."

"Aw, man. Wii? You serious? Tell me that's not the only console you've got."

"Hey, what the Hell do you think this is, spanky? You know who I am? I'm your Goddamn creator, that's who. You see all this shit? Yeah. Made it for you, bro. Show some appreciation."

"...Alright, alright - don't blow a gasket on me. Hook me up with the other Wiimote and we'll see what we can get done."

(...I'll continue with Chapter 2 later)