I am so looking forwards to work on Sunday. Thanks to these zombie god fans I'll end my work day feeling like I was anally raped, I'll be curled up in the fetal position crying for my mommy. I am not looking forward to it.

Some dipshit manages to make up and market a story about a magic man surviving rigor mortis, and I have to suffer because of the credulity of such nonsense.

Mark:

Jesus awakes the next morning and he was hungry. He sees a fig tree far off and walks over thinking yum, yum figs would be so good for breakfast. When the omniscient one gets to it he finds nothing but leaves as it was the wrong season for them. Being pissed off he throws a temper tantrum and curses the fig tree saying, "No man eat fruit of thee hereafter forever." I know how this feels when I go to the supermarket and they are out of figs, though so far it hasn't dried up & blown away in the wind. Is this not the rantings of an eccentric desert healer prophet who has spent far too long in the Sun?

After being deprived of breakfast it is a very ill tempered Jesus that goes to the Temple. He sees the concession salesmen and throws them out and turns over the tables of the money changers. He claims that scripture says the Temple should be a house of prayer but it has been turned into a den of thieves. Well that's a change from earlier times when it was also a whorehouse.

Really this attack on the concessions is basically insurrection or rebellion against authority as the Temple was the financial center of the province of Judea. He committed, assault, battery, property destruction, public endangerment, rebellion against authority, and violation of the sacred laws of a religious group. I see only pain coming here as an end. Mark 11:12-19

Matthew:

In this version Jesus was hungry and walks over to the fig tree, finds no fruit and curses it. It immediately withered. The disciples marvel at how Jesus killed the poor defenseless tree so quickly. He tells them making his temper tantrum sound like a good thing, "if you have faith and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also ye shall say unto the mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea, it shall be done. " It's probably a good thing no one has had faith enough or we might have had many mountains being cast into the sea, just think about the resulting tsunami.

As mentioned, Jesus attacked the money changers on Palm Sunday in Matt's version not the next day when he went without his fig breakfast. Then despite the rules regarding the unclean, the blind and lame they somehow came to Jesus in the Temple and he healed them. Just how did they get past the 400 Temple guards and the added 100 or so Roman soldiers posted for the Passover Feast? Matt 21:12-22

Luke:

He omits the Jesus temper tantrum cursing an inanimate tree. He too had the Temple insurrection on Palm Sunday. Somehow the priests didn't understand that Jesus had just committed many crimes as they could not find what to do.

John:

He goes directly to the feast of the passover skipping over all that which is in the other books. Guess he just didn't think any of it would be important 2,000 years later or maybe he thought Mark had the copyright and he might be sued for plagiarism.

Stasis is much cooler than a body double. Rays and stuff, yea way cooler man.

The Poor Fig Tree Dies

Mark:

The next day Jesus and his disciples walk  pass the fig tree and it has withered and dried from the roots. Peter observed it's pitiful condition and told Jesus see the tree has withered away that  you cursed. Jesus being the tricksy son of God turns his temper tantrum into a lesson in piety and faith when he tells  them, "Have the faith of God.  Amen I say to you, that whosoever shall say to this mountain, Be thou removed and be cast into the sea, and shall not stagger in his heart, but believe, that whatsoever he saith shall be done; it shall be done unto him.  Therefore I say unto you, all things, whatsoever you ask when ye pray, believe that you shall receive; and they shall come unto you.  And when you shall stand to pray, forgive, if you have aught against any man; that your Father also, who is in heaven, may forgive you your sins.  But if you will not forgive, neither will your Father that is in heaven, forgive you your sins." Mark 11:22-26 - Douay-Rheims

So, instead of admitting he had a baby tantrum and had a childish attitude he turns his immature behavior into a lesson. Jesus clearly spent too much time in the Sun or was just in need of therapy to handle his quick temper and childish behavior. OK, why not pray for something constructive, say like a fig tree that gives fruit continuously. Why pray to cast a mountain into the sea causing severe Earthquakes, tsunamis and worldwide property destruction and death? What a brat!

They continue to Jerusalem and the Temple where the elders, scribes, and chief priests confront Jesus and ask him by what authority he does his actions. Instead of answering the question directly the tricky one says he will tell them if they first tell him if the baptism of John was of heaven or men. Knowing they have been cornered they realize many of John's followers are about if they say of heaven they suspect the tricky one will ask why they didn't believe him. If they answer of men, his followers may riot or cause a disturbance. They instead say, they didn't know. So Jesus says, nor will I tell you by what authority I do these things. Mark 11:27-33

Nice dodge. If you won't tell me, I won't tell you.

Jesus then told the parable of the wicked husbandman & vineyard. This is told in other places & versions including the sayings of Thomas. He used this story to compare the priests to those in the story who kill the heir, After he told it the priests want to seize him but they were afraid his followers would cause a disturbance. Mark 12:1-12

Instead they had one of the Pharisees ask Jesus was it lawful to pay tribute to Caesar? Jesus tells them to give to Caesar that which is his and to God that which is God's. Since he dodged that one some of the Sadducees who believed in no resurrection asked him a question regarding a wife and 7 brothers who each die and take the wife as theirs. They want to know who's wife she will be in heaven. Jesus tells them there will be no marriage but as the angels.

After dodging this one yet another scribe asks him what is the 1st commandment of all. Jesus told him to love the Lord God with all their strength. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. The scribe told him he had said the truth. Jesus told him he was not far from the Kingdom of God. Mark 12:13-34 A rare instance of praise for a scribe or Pharisee which is unique with Mark and pretty much nonexistent in the other Gospels.

Matthew:

Matthew had the same events but on Palm Sunday with several additions and changes.
After he refused to tell where his authority was based he told a parable of 2 sons, followed by the vineyard parable, and then the marriage feast parable. The tribute money question comes next followed by the resurrection question, and the great commandment. He does an extreme long rant against the scribes and Pharisees in Matt's version. Then he mourns over Jerusalem which was done in other places in other versions. He proceeds to foretell the destruction of the Temple and signs of the end times. In support of his views he tells the tale of the 10 virgins and lamps, the parable of the talents and ends with how all nations will be judged.

Interesting patchwork version which was well constructed to make the overall point. The creative way the stories and parables are presented indicates Matt was a later written book.

Luke:

Luke avoided the temper tantrum in regards to the fig tree completely, nary a word. As with Matt, Luke goes immediately into the Temple insurrection scene. He then claims Jesus taught daily in the Temple disregarding that he had just committed enough crimes to be executed. As with Matt, he tells the evasive authority story, the wicked husbandmen parable, the tribute money question, the resurrection question, and a short version chastising the scribes. He avoids completely the scene with the scribe who asked about the commandments because it didn't cast the scribe as an evil corrupt power mad priest.

Mark:

Mark has intrigue from the start when Jesus tells 2 of his disciples to go into the city and find a man bearing a pitcher of water. They are to follow him and whichever house he goes in they are to tell the owner my master asks where is the guest dinner room for us to eat passover? He will take you upstairs to a room already prepared. Does this not sound like code words and some kind of rebel underground? This secrecy to arrange the room speaks volumes. So the 2 disciples did and made all ready.

Later that evening, Jesus and his 12 disciples arrive. But, what of the other 2 who made all ready? As they sat and ate he tells them that one of them will betray him to the priests. No one asked why the priests would want to arrest him they all knew he had comitted criminal acts and was a wanted insurrectionist at this point. They all become very upset at this remark. Each one asks, is it I? He says it is the one of the 12 that dips with me in the dish. Clearly at this point each and every one of them would watch for this now. Mark does not identify who the traitor is at this point. Judas does not suddenly leave during the meal in this version. The meal is described as an intimate gathering of his followers or fellow rebel insurrectionists. They clearly had Jewish traditions that were observed as well as inside (group) rituals.

The actions of the bread & wine cernomony are not elaborate, just the simple this is my body and this is my blood statements. He does say he will drink no more wine until he does so in the new Kingdom of God.

After the meal they go outside after they sang a hymn. He tells them they all will be dispersed because of me but after I am risen I will meet you in Galilee. Peter claims, no I will never reject you. Jesus tells him before the cock crows twice he would deny him three times. All his disciples chime in that they would die with him rather than ever denying him. Mark 14:12-31

All through this, Judas is not mentioned leaving.

Matthew:

Jesus sends his disciples into the city with instructions to see a specific man and tell him that his master wants to have the Passover meal at his house with his disciples. The number of disciples who go isn't mentioned and no intrigue involved. They do so and make the meal ready.

As with Mark's version, when they are eating Jesus tells them one of them will sell him out to the priests. Again no surprise he is a wanted criminal just sorrowfulness and each asking is it I. Once again he says it will be the one that dips in the main dish with me. Surely 12 sets of eyes were watching for this and each was careful not to do so. When Judas asked if it is I, Jesus said, you have said it. The ceronmony again is simple as in Mark with the bread & wine. Jesus once aghain says he will drink no wine until the he does so in his Father's kingdom with them.

As in Mark, after they sang a hymn they went to the Mt of Olives. He tells them they will be scrattered and Peter says he would stand by him Jesus tells him before the cock crows he will deny him 3 times. Similar pledges of support by all to stand by him as in Mark. Matthew 26:17-35

Major differences:

No intrigue on setting up the room.

Judas is identified as the traitor. He does not leave suddenly.

Here, Jesus says before the cock crows Peter would deny him 3 times and did not say before it crowed twice.

Luke -

In this version Peter and John are sent out to procure the room using the method of Mark where they follow a guy with a water pitcher to a house and inform the owner their master wants to know where the guest banquet room is located. They did so and made the meal ready.

He sat with the 12 and ate telling them he wanted to do so before he suffered. He told them he would not eat of it again until the Kingdom of God was fulfilled. He aslo claimed he would not drink wine until that time as well. He tells them one of them will betray him and his hand is on the table with his.

Luke has a discussion as to which of them are the greatest which is also found in Mark but far earlier in the life and times of Jesus. In Mark it occurs as they are on the road to Capernaum just before he predicts his own death and right before the discussion with the rich ruler. Luke not being present for these events inserted it here as he thought it was appropriate.

Next Jesus tells Peter he will deny him 3 times before the cock crows. Peter insists he will go to his death before that should happen. Jesus asked when I sent all of you out without money did you lack for anything? No they say. Now he tells them he who has money and those who do not should sell their clothes and buy a sword. They tell him we have 2 swords. He says that is enough. They go out to the Mt of Olives and go to Gethsemane and no mention of singing.

Major Differences -

The traitor's hand is on the table.

Who is the greatest discussion.

Tells them to sell their clothes to buy swords.

No hymn sang.

John:

John has a complete different story to tell of the Passover meal. Jesus gets up from supper and pours out water to wash the feet of his disciples. He tells them if I as your master wash your feet then you should do so for one another. He then reveals one of them will sell him out to the priests. They all of course don't believe what he said. He then says it will be the one who I give a sop. He then gives one to Judas. Satan then entered him and Jesus told him to go what he needed to do. The others think because Judas had the money for the group he was going out to buy things for the feast. Again Peter is told he will deny Jesus 3 times before the cock crows.

John 13

Major Differences-

Jesus washes the disciples feet.

Judas is identified as the traitor by taking a sop from Jesus. Satan enters Judas.

Judas leaves to do the dirty deed.

Recap -

2 disciples get the banquet hall by following a man with a pitcher in 2 of the versions. In a 3rd version the disciples just go to a certain man's house and tell him the master wants the room. John doesn't discuss accomodation prep.

The traitor is identified differently in all. Mark - traitor dips in main dish with him. Matthew - Judas is identified as the traitor when he asked is it I. Luke - traitor has his hand on the table at the same time as Jesus. John - traitor takes a sop from Jesus.

3 versions have the remberance meal, John does not.

Jesus claims in all versions he won't drink wine again before the kingdom comes.

A hymn is sung before they go to the Mt of Olives in 2 of the versions.

Peter is told he will deny Jesus 3 times before the cock crows, except in Mark where it is before it crows twice.

All four versions have significant differences, some have information that will contradict other events later on as well.

Mark:

Jesus is taken to the high priest's palace to faces charges. All of the chief priests, scribes and elders were also gathered there. Peter followed and sat with the servants by a fire. The priests ask for witnesses against Jesus so they could execute him and found no one. Many made false statements though as with the Gospel accounts they were erroneous and did not agree. One said he heard Jesus would destroy the temple and rebuild it in 3 days. Finally the high priest asked him if he was the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One. He said, I am and you will see the Son of Man sit on the right hand of power coming in the clouds of heaven. The high priest says what more do we need; you have all heard his blasphemy. The group all condemned him to death spitting on him and hitting him with the palms of their hands.

Meanwhile, Peter the spy was hiding out amidst the servants and one of the serving maids saw him and said you are with Jesus. He tells her, I don't understand what you say. He went out to the porch and the cock crowed. Another woman saw him standing and told those around, he was one of them that was with Jesus. He again denies it. Shortly thereafter others said surely you are one of his followers as you are a Galilean. He denied it vehemently cursing. The cock crowed a 2nd time and Peter remembered what Jesus said and wept.

What Mark wants you to think is Jesus was hauled in front of the Sanhedrin council to face charges? Later on in the book of Acts when Stephen is also charged with blasphemy note how the ceremonious Sanhedrin Council again becomes a lynch mob. Really the 2 stories are the same and both are filled with unlikely events. It would be like the 9 judges on the Supreme Court came down and assaulted a defendant. In another case when Peter is charged, he is let go when they consider the charges and Gamaliel the Pharisee leader says if it is of God, we would be fighting against him, if not it will go away. Such has been the case with many other messiah wannabes in the 1st century, why should Jesus be different? Mark has no Pharisee learned masters in the mob at Jesus' trial and the rules and procedures were not followed, they become an emotional lynch mob.

Matthew:

Matt has Jesus taken to Caiaphas the high priest's palace where all of priests scribes and elders are gathered but no mention of Pharisees. In Mark, only one testifies about destroying the Temple and rebuilding it in 3 days, Matt has 2 witnesses saying it. He is asked if he is the Christ, the Son of God and he answered you have said it. As with Mark, the lynch mob became violent.

Peter in Matt is approached by a girl who said you were also with Jesus. He denies it saying. I don't understand what you say. He goes out to the porch and another maid saw him and claimed he was also with Jesus. Peter swears an oath saying I do not know the man. Shortly after those who had been warming by the fire came to him and said, surely you are one of his followers as your accent is Galilean. He again denied it cursing and swearing. The cock then crowed.

Major Differences -

The cock crowed 1 time.

Two testify Jesus would destroy the Temple & rebuild it.

Luke:

As with the other accounts Jesus is taken to the high priest's house and Peter followed. This version has Peter in the hall next to a fire. A maid saw him and claimed he was with Jesus. He denies it and said I don't know him. Soon after another claims he was with him, and he says man I am not. An hour later another man said he is one of them as he is Galilean. Peter said, I don't know what you say. The cock crowed and Jesus looked directly at Peter who left weeping profusely.

The men who were holding Jesus blindfolded him, mocked him and hit him. Supposedly they made blasphemous comments against him. When daybreak occurred Jesus is led into the council where he was asked if he was the Christ. The tricky one is back, he said if I tell you won't believe me. If I ask you won't answer me nor will you let me go. He the said the Son of man will soon sit on the right hand of power of God. Are you then the Son of God he is asked. He said you say I am. They conclude they need no more.

Major Differences -

Peter is in the hall where Jesus is held, not outside.

Peter denies knowing Jesus to a woman, a man, and another man.

Jesus looks at Peter after the 3rd denial.

Jesus is blindfolded and mocked.

He answered as the tricky one.

John:

He is first led to Annas the father in law of the high priest Caiaphas. Caiaphas had earlier concluded it was in their best interest for one man to die for the people. Peter followed as did another disciple who went inside as he was known by the priests. This disciple was probably James the Just the supposed brother of Jesus. Peter waited outside the door until the other disciple convinced the woman at the door to also let in Peter. When she does she recognized him and said you are one of Jesus' disciples. He said no I am not. Peter goes over by the fire where the servants and officers are, kind of risky after he cut off the ear of one of them.

Jesus is asked of his teaching and tells them he taught openly, ask those who have heard me. He is struck by one of the guards and told to answer. Annas then sends him to Caiaphas. Peter is asked by those at the fire aren't you also one of his disciples? He denies it. A servant related to the one who had his ear removed by Peter said didn't I see you in the garden? He denies it. The cock then crowed.

Major Differences-

Jesus is taken to Annas first before Caiaphas.

2 disciples follow, one has access to the high priests.

Peter denies knowing Jesus to the woman at the door. He denies knowing him to those at the fire. He denies being at the garden to a man related to the one he gave a close haircut with his sword.

Recap -

These accounts want you to think Jesus was tried before the Sanhedrin Council, yet the Pharisees and learned masters & teachers are not there. For an in depth discussion of what is wrong with the account of Jesus’ supposed trial before the council as well as the Stephen account see a book called The Mythmaker by Hyam Maccoby chapter 6 pp 50-61

Mark has Peter denying Jesus to 2 women and a group by the fire. The cock crows 2 times.

Matt has Peter denying Jesus as in Mark but the cock crows only 1 time.

Luke on the other hand has Peter denying Jesus to a woman and 2 men before the cock crowed 1 time and has Peter within eye-shot of Jesus in the hall.

John has Peter denying Jesus to the woman at the door, those at the fire, and a relative of the man that Peter had mutilated in the garden.

John had another disciple go in to the high priest's house who had access and was known of them which is likely to be James as he was a priest, at least 30 years later in Acts as well as in Josephus' accounts.

 So what is one supposed to think when all of these accounts differ? I see it as legends that were spread orally over the years. The main characters are usually the same but not consistently. The actions that are described differ enough that one can conclude they were not written by anyone who actually witnessed the events. This is especially true when Jesus is off by himself supposedly praying. Other questions that occur is who took notes during the questioning in front of the high priests? The only possibility comes from John who claimed another disciple had access, though John is very unreliable in consistency with the other accounts. All these differences cause one to suspect unreliabilty in the accounts as why accept any of it as reality based if the plot differs so significantly. This continues on execution day as well. Be sure to watch out for wandering zombies that have just walked out of graves tomorrow.

Mark:

Early the next morning the chief priests and the elders agree they should take Jesus to Pilate as only the Romans could order executions. Really now, even though Jews supposedly stone heretics several times in the NT, Stephen, James and Paul  for example they asked for permission for this right? Yeah sure! Pilate questions him but Jesus doesn't defend himself. As with custom, Roman governors would release prisoners or pardon them during feasts or festivals. Pilate hits on the idea of giving the mob, I mean the crowd a choice between 2 insurrectionists that are in custody. Jesus, the slightly Sun baked wacky prophet and Barabas who had killed when he committed his crime. When Pilate asked the crowd who they wanted they asked for Barabas and they demand Jesus be executed.

The Romans take Jesus and mocked him putting a purple robe on him as well as a crown of thorns. As the Romans felt superior to the Jews, the mocking and torture were a way to show disgust for them. When they were done they put his old clothes back on him and take him to be crucified. Mark 15:1-19

The Pilate in Mark is like what Josephus indicates, cunning, cruel and decisive. Other Gospels indicate Pilate was a wimp or a concerned governor who cares about those he governs. That's pure bullshit, Pilate saw the Jews as scum what was the big deal if an innocent Jew was killed, he'd have liked to exterminate them all if he could. What I don't get is a Roman is awake early in the morning, and even during a festival. Maybe he was still up from the night before, but it's just not believable for me.

If both Barabas and Jesus were insurrectionists, who was more valuable to the crowd? One that had demonstrated he'd kill to pursue goals or one that demonstrated instability and promised to bring in the Kingdom of God? Did Jesus even know which end of a sword to hold?

Matthew-

We learn that Judas was remorseful for selling out his friend Jesus and takes the money back. The priests refuse to change their plans and Judas throws the money down and goes out and hangs himself. Afterwords, the priests use the money to buy the potter's field to bury strangers.

 Meanwhile Jesus was taken to Pilate as in Mark. Matt adds more fiction to the story claiming Pilate's wife had a dream regarding Jesus and she told him to have nothing to do with it. Pilate asked as in Mark if they wanted Barabas or Jesus released. When they demand Jesus be executed, he washes his hands symbolically showing he did not have the blood of an innocent man on them. When, did Jews suddenly get the status of being more than roaches to be squished in the eyes of Romans like Pilate? Certainly not from what Josephus has to say. As with Mark, Jesus is tortured and made ready to be executed. Matt 27:1-31

As Matt is the only one that suggests Judas killed himself it's seems to be a wishful story playing to the masses so to speak. The evil doers get what they deserve in the end. The end of John makes this suspect as does the non-canon Book of Judas.

So, exactly who gave the in depth interview that details Pilate's wife dream and their private conversation? Was Matt  inside Pilate's palace? I call bullshit on this claim, show me proof Pilate gave a damn about Jews.

Luke:

If the crap isn't deep enough for you yet Luke will take care of that. Get out your hip boot waders as it's going to rise like a broken sewer line.

Luke starts off with Jesus taken to Pilate with a claim he was leading a rebellion against Caesar. Did these clowns finally get it right? They are closer. They claim he was inciting rebellion against Caesar by telling people not to pay tribute as well as claiming to be a king. Many Zealots did exactly that, so could be. However, Pilate questions him and decides he is innocent. He also hears he is a Galilean and sees an out. He tells then to take him to Herod as he is responsible for Galilee.

When Herod sees Jesus he is quite elated as he wanted to meet him for a long time to see the miracles and magic Jesus performed. Perhaps he got mixed up and thought it was Apollonius  of Tyana that had reportedly performed thousands of miracles that was being brought to him. Instead it was the Sun baked desert prophet who refuses to play his game or even say anything. Herod becomes impatient and bored and has his soldiers mock him, dress him as a king and then send him back to Pilate.

When Jesus gets back to Pilate he calls the priests and mob back informing them that neither he nor Herod can find anything that deserves execution so he will be tortured and released. No, release Barabas and crucify Jesus the crowd demands. In the end Pilate agrees and sends him to be executed. Luke 23:1-25

I'd buy the story that Jesus was a rebel Zealot based on parts of the stories in the Gospels. As I have indicated, he did commit insurrection in the Temple, they had him on that, but nope they didn't even bring it up.

Major Differences -

The claim he was leading a rebellion against Rome.
Taken to Herod to perform his magic. Given expensive robe by Herod.
Returned to Pilate.

John:

Jesus is taken early in the morning to Pilate, yeah right. But the Jews stay outside least they be defiled as it was Passover. Right, I'm sure the whores and drunks were still laying about early in the morning at Pilate's Palace if anyone was even awake. As in other versions they demand he be executed. There is much discussion between Pilate and Jesus. So who exactly transcribed these discussions? The priests claim they had to come to Pilate for judgment because they couldn't execute him. Really? Just how many times did they try to stone Jesus in John? Blasphemers were killed this way, the proof is in the Bible. Pilate is shown as a fair governor and a reasonable man in contrast to 1st century writers that describe him as ruthless. John 18:28-40 to 19:1-16

Major Differences -

Who recorded the narrative between Pilate & Jesus?

Recap -

Going to a Roman's house early in the morning is just stupid, especially during a feast week. Why would anyone be up, unless they still were from an overnight orgy.
Given a choice between a rebel insurrectionist & a wacky desert prophet the people want the rebel freed. Surprise!
Pilate is decisive in Mark, sends Jesus to die.
Judas commits suicide in Matt and a bullshit claim for the origin of the name field of blood is included.
There is a spy in Pilate's house who recorded conversation between Pilate & his wife specifically on her dreams.
Luke claims Jesus was leading a rebellion against Caesar.
Pilate sends Jesus to be judged by Herod in only the Sci-Fi adventures of Luke.
Herod provides the expensive robe for Jesus not the Romans in Luke.
John has an extensive narrative between Jesus and Pilate. Who exactly transcribed this talk?

As I said, Pilate in Mark is described more like Josephus' account, a ruthless self centered Roman. To placate the leaders in Judea, (the Herodian priests), Jesus would have been dispatched upon request, no claims of he's an innocent man blah blah.

Someone's been reading unattributed manuscripts with unsubstantiated claims regarding Pilate and his household. Which one?

Was it? Seems there were quite a few unhappy with the situation in the 1st century CE, several messiah wannabes and rebellions. I suggest a book for you to consider by Robert Eisenman titled 'The Dead Sea Scrolls and the First Christians". Also see Wayne A Meeks "The First Urban Christians" and mentioned somewhere in this thread "The Mythmaker" by Hyam Maccoby

As no one has ever found the lost diary of Peter and it's conjecture to conclude Mark had visiting privileges at a prison in Rome where Peter may or may not have been held you are presenting only legend as fact to substantiate any connection. As to Matthew being the first written story telling, that is a minority opinion among scholars and certainly not one held in my Jesuit education. John if the disciple was a very old man in the 80s or 90s subject to old age memory issues and recollections of events of 60 years earlier. Luke on the other hand is Paul's marketing promoter and one of the best Sci-Fi writers in the Bible though Matt does a good job writing some of his own fiction as well.

If you thought these stories so far were full of fiction and BS, it only gets worse. Again, watch out for the zombies as there are some in this post. Not to mention Earthquakes.

Mark:

As they progress to the execution site a man named Simon a Cyrenian was pressed into service to help carry the cross. Probably said the wrong thing to a Roman soldier. When they got to Golgotha they gave him wine mixed with myrrh but Jesus wouldn't drink it. After they crucified him they parted his clothes and cast lots for them. An inscription was placed over his head that read, "The King of the Jews". A thief was crucified on each side of him. Those who had been in the mob came and mocked him. Later on, Jesus cried out, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me." Someone gave him a drink of vinegar on a sponge, He then died and the veil in the Temple was rent in two. A Roman centurion said, surely this was the Son of God. Watching from afar were many women, Mary Magdelene, Mary the mother of James the less and Joses, and Salome. Mark 15:21-41

See what happens when you don't get out of the way of a group of Romans, you get pressed into service dragging a heavy cross. Jesus refused the wine remember no more booze in this life, but he takes the vinegar. What was it made from? So what god exactly did a pagan Roman centurion mean that fathered Jesus? Mithra? Zeus?

Major Points-

There are 2 thieves executed with Jesus. No conversation is mentioned.

A pagan Roman centurion thinks Jesus was the Son of God. Which one exactly?

Many of the women from the life of Jesus watch from afar, no disciples are mentioned, they all fled remember.

Matt:

The start of the tale is just like Mark until the mob insults and ridicules Jesus. The thieves also do so. When Jesus dies, in addition to the Temple veil being rent in two there is an Earthquake where rocks are split. The graves open and dead people arose and walked among the living seen by many. When the Roman centurion sees the earthquake and dead people coming from graves he says this was truly the Son of God. Among the onlookers from afar were Mary Magdelene, Mary the mother of James & Joses and the mother of the Zebedees. Matt 27:32-56

What Earthquake? Zombies walking among the people? Really, did someone get a notarized statement from either a Zombie or someone who saw one? So unnamed dead people come to life and are observed by many unnamed people. If you think that is really great evidence, have I a deal for you. Undeveloped prime real estate off I-95 in South Florida. OK, it's generally a swamp & underwater but when it's not just think. Cash only though.

Major Differences -

Earthquakes

Dead people coming forth from graves.

The thieves being executed both revile Jesus.

Luke:

After Simon is recruited to carry the cross Jesus has time to give a talk en route to the large group of women who are following. Was this between whippings and hits by the Romans? When they get to the execution site 2 malefactors are also crucified one on each side. One tells Jesus if he is the Christ save yourself and us. The other is repentant and said we deserve our death but this man is innocent. He asked Jesus to remember him in his kingdom. The Sun becomes darkened, the veil in the Temple is torn asunder, and Jesus dies. All those about beat their breasts. All of his followers and the women of Galilee stood afar off. Luke 23:26-49

Other versions had no conversation with the other executed criminals or insults only from them. This one has the repentant thief on the cross.

Major Differences -

One criminal on the cross is repentant.

All those who observe the events beat on their breasts when Jesus dies. Does this include the priests and lynch mob?

John:

John apparently didn't see Simon carry the cross for Jesus or hear Jesus' comments to the large group of women who followed according to Luke, or even the large group of women. Apparently his mother and her sister, as well as Mary Magdelene, and Mary the wife of Cleophas and the beloved disciple were all standing close enough to the cross Jesus saw them. He tells Mary, behold thy son and the disciple behold thy mother. Jesus then died after he had a drink of vinegar. The soldiers came to finish them off found he was already dead and pierced his side with a spear. John 19:16-37

Major Differences -

Jesus carried his own cross, no help from Simon.

Mary and the other women as well as one disciple were close enough to see and hear Jesus, not so in all other accounts where they are afar off. He even tells his mother behold thy son and the disciple behold thy mother.

Jesus is pierced with a spear.

Recap -

Simon is enlisted to help carry the cross in 3 of 4 stories but not in John.

The women in his life were observing from afar except in John where Jesus speaks with his mother and a disciple who are close enough to talk.

Matt has Earthquakes and dead people coming forth from graves wandering the city.

In Matt both thieves mock Jesus but in Luke one is repentant.

When Jesus died all onlookers beat their breasts in sorrow in Luke. Did this also include the lynch mob?

Jesus is speared after he is dead in John's story.

Dead Man Walking

Mark:

Early in the morning of the 1st day of the week, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and Salome brought spices to anoint the body of Jesus. As they approached the tomb they wondered among themselves how they were going to roll the stone away. As they got near the tomb, they saw it had already been rolled away. They entered the tomb and found a young man dressed in a white robe instead of the body of Jesus. They were shocked or astonished. He tells them, you seek Jesus of Nazareth. He is not here for he is risen. Go tell his disciples that he has gone before them to Galilee as he had said he would. They left the tomb in fear, trembling and told no one because they were afraid. Mark 16:1-8.

Major Points -

Mary M, Mary the mom of James & Joses, & Salome visit the tomb.
A young man in white robe is there. He tells them Jesus is risen & went to Galilee to meet up with his disciples.
The women depart in fear & tell no one.

That which follows is disputed as by the 4th century CE there were 4 different versions to the ending of Mark: Codex Vaticanus (B) ends at 16:8; Codex Sinaiticus Aleph does too; Codex Bobiensis has 16:9 but not the rest to v20; Later versions have Mark end at v20.

After Jesus had risen, he appeared 1st to Mary Magdalene who went and told those that had been his followers. When she 1st told them, they did not believe her. Jesus then appears to 2 unnamed followers as they walked in the country in another shape. They too told the rest of the followers and were not believed. He then appeared to the 11 remaining disciples at great length while they were eating. He commands them to go to all nations and preach the Gospel to all creatures. He gave them signs as proof, they would be able to:  cast out devils, speak in tongues; pick up snakes; if they drink poison, they will not be harmed; and heal the sick. After he had told them these things, he was received into Heaven and sat on the right hand of God. Mark 16:9-20

If it's not hard enough to sift through multiple complete versions of this story, now we get at least 4 versions of Mark's story telling. Where exactly did Mary Magdalene see Jesus as risen? Not in this account she didn't.

Major Additions -

Mary M tells the disciples she has seen the risen Jesus. When & where was that?
2 unnamed disciples see Jesus in another form, not as a living human I'd guess.
11 remaining disciples see Jesus while eating. He gives them their command to teach all RE: these events.
After he gives the disciples the commision to preach, he goes to heaven, quite different then the other story tellings of this legend.

Matt:

On the dawn of the 1st day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to the tomb. There was a great Earthquake and an angel rolled away the stone from the tomb scaring the bejesus out of the guards who are in such fear they become as dead men. The angel tells the women Jesus is not here for he has risen. The angel tells them to see where he had been laid. Then you should go tell his disciples he has gone to Galilee to meet them. The women departed quickly to tell the disciples and were met by Jesus. They took him by the feet and adored him. He repeated the message to tell his disciples he'd see them in Galilee.
Meanwhile, the guards reported in and told the chief priests all that had occurred. The priests and elders considered what to do and paid the guards great sums of money to say instead that his disciples came by night and stole the body while they were asleep. If the governor hears of this, we will explain to him and cover your butts.
The 11 disciples went to Galilee to a mountain, where Jesus had said he would meet them. They adored him though some doubted. He gave them the commission to teach all nations and to baptize in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  He then is no longer mentioned. Matt 28:1-20

Major Differences -

Only Mary M and the other Mary go to the tomb.
There is an Earthquake, an angel rolls the stone away, & the guards are scared into a trancelike state.
The guards are bribed to claim the disciples stole the body while they were asleep. Since DNA analysis wasn't available nor forensics, just how did sleeping guards know who had committed the crime?
Jesus meets the 2 women after the angel talked with them. They fondled his feet.
11 disciples meet Jesus in Galilee on a Mt. He then is not mentioned again.

Luke:

Early in the morning of the 1st day of the week, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Mary the mother of James and John go to the tomb. They found the stone had been rolled away. Inside instead of the corpse of Jesus they find 2 men there appear to be angels. They are told to remember what Jesus had said that he would be crucified and then rise on the 3rd day. The women went to the 11 disciples who consider the story of the women to be fantasy. Peter ran to the tomb and found it empty except for the linen which was  laid out.
2 of the followers, one called Cleopas were en route to Emmaus. They encounter Jesus who they tell about all the events that have just happened in Jerusalem. Jesus tells them they are fools for not believing & understanding what the prophets had spoken. They arrive at a village and went to eat, and Jesus vanished as they broke bread. They then knew it to be the risen Jesus. They went back to Jerusalem to tell the 11 and while doing so Jesus appears to them all. He shows them his hands and feet as proof. After he had ate they were given their commission. He then led them out as far as Bethany, lifted up his hands blessing them and he was carried into Heaven. Luke 24:1-53

It seems no one can keep the women straight. 2, 3, or their names. Luke loves to write Sci-Fi, so 1 angel wasn't enough, he had to have 2. I thought Jesus was supposedly going to meet up with his followers in Galilee?

Major Differences -

3 women go to the tomb - Mary M, Joanna, Mary the mother of James & John.
2 angels are at the tomb.
Jesus does not appear to the women.
2 disciples meet Jesus on the road to Emmaus.
All 11 see Jesus in Jerusalem in this version, not Galilee.
He then departs to heaven after blessing them from Bethany.

John:

Early on the 1st day of the week Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw the stone had been rolled away. She ran to get Peter and the disciple Jesus loved. Peter comes in 2nd in the race to the tomb. They see nothing except the linen clothes folded neatly. They then went home. Mary stood outside crying. She saw 2 angels inside who asked her why she cried. She turned around and saw a man she thought to be the gardener. He also asked her why she cried. She told him, sir if you have taken him away please tell me where. The man was Jesus who said to her, Mary. She then knew it was him and said Rabbi and tried to touch him. He told her not to as he had not as yet ascended into heaven. Mary then went and told the disciples what had happened.
That same day the disciples were assembled together behind closed doors for fear of the Jews (or was it arrest warrants for insurrection?), Jesus came to them and showed them his hands and feet. The disciples were joyous. Thomas was not present. He breathed on them the Holy Ghost, which makes the episode in the Book of Acts unneeded, except of course for Thomas. 8 days later, they were again assembled, all of them including Thomas. He had said he would not believe unless he felt the wounds in his hands and the hole in his side. He then did. John 20:1-31

Major Differences -

Only Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb.
Peter & John go their and find nothing but linen.
Mary sees 2 angels and then Jesus.
Mary is not allowed to touch Jesus.
10 disciples are assembled & see Jesus in a closed room.
They get the Holy Spirit, no need for Luke's Sci-Fi story in Acts.
Thomas 8 days later gets to touch Jesus' hands and side. Why not Mary?

Recap -

1, 2, or 3 women visit the tomb. Mary Magdalene is included in all versions.
They see 1 angel, 2 angels, or 2 angels & Jesus (Mary M's solo encounter)
2 unnamed disciples see Jesus as they walked in the country in Mark. In Luke it's Cleopas & another on the road to Emmaus.
In Mark the 3 women see an angel who told them Jesus will meet his disciples in Galilee.
In Mark, ending at 8, they go and tell no one. OR: Mary M tells the disciples she has seen Jesus. This was exactly when?
There was a great Earthquake in Matt's tale with an angel that scared the living daylight's out of the guards.
Guards are bribed to claim the disciples stole the body while they were asleep. How's that again?
Jesus meets the 2 Marys in Matt after they see an angel and they touch his feet.
Mary in John's version is not allowed to touch Jesus.
11 disciples see Jesus in 4th version of Mark, and he then departs for Heaven. OR:
11 disciples see Jesus in Galilee on a Mt. He then departs for Heaven in Matt. OR:
11 disciples see Jesus in a closed room in Jerusalem. He then departs to Heaven from Bethany. OR:
10 disciples see Jesus, not Thomas in John.. They receive the Holy Spirit making Luke's Sci-Fi in Acts unneeded.  8 days later all 11 see him. Thomas gets to touch Jesus though Mary was denied this even in this version.





 
 

Great write-up!

Your capacity to write on this stuff at length and in depth is always impressive.

And that really isn't Elvis' body in the mausoleum.