"Where I'm going you don't need eyes to see"

Jus sayin'

You are not alone. I also live in the Bible Belt and was raised in a baptist church and then went to a pentecostal church when I was 19.  The assistant pastor convinced me, through fear, to take the Bible seriously.  It didn't take long to notice that the speaking in tongues thing wasn't happening for me but it seemed biblical.  I thought it would happen in God's time so I pressed on.  I read the Bible and outlined it.  Then, I got some Bible college correspondence materials  and completed several courses and noticed that Jesus does not even come to close to matching up with the OT's prophecies of the Messiah.  This is when I started to think that God might not exist but I didn't want to accept that so I kept studying to prove my findings wrong.  Instead, the Bible reinforced my findings and I noticed many contradictions and absurdities.

I quit church and had a lot of social pressure on me, since I live in the Bible Belt, but I stood my ground.  Since then, I have gotten my dad and my brother (a former evangelist) to stop believing which makes my life easier. 

There aren't very many people that know me that doesn't know that I am an atheist.  I think this has helped some people come out of the closet (for lack of better words).  There has been a lot of people, in the last 15 years, tell me that they don't believe in God but hadn't mentioned it to anyone for fear of people's reactions and possible discrimination that they might face.

Being open about your beliefs in the Bible Belt has its pros and cons.  For example, it was easier for me to find a nonbeliever to marry than it has been for some closet atheists that I know.  On the other hand, she was a closet atheist and her whole family blames me for her disbelief and doesn't like me very much because of that.  I think that they will really be upset when they find out that our kids are nonbelievers also. 

I don't post here very often, but I live in Houston, Texas and I feel utterly and completely alone because of my atheism. Here's a random and sprawling post to that effect.

I was an evangelical Christian for almost 20 years and gave up on the faith about 2 years ago. I went to a baptist college and got a degree in Biblical Studies, I went to seminary and got 70 hours towards a Masters of Divinity and I'm a licensed and ordained minister. Needless to say, I've spent most of my life surrounding myself with people of faith. My wife is still a strong believer and I still go to church with her to keep the peace, but she doesn't understand my decision and, in a sense, it's like I've betrayed her because she thought she was marrying a minister to be.

My only non Christian friend moved to California a few weeks ago. I just spend my time biting my tongue and agonizing over the complete separation I feel between me and everyone I know and love. They all know that I'm different now, but my faith issues are like the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. They are all convinced that my problem is depression which is a great way to side step the real issue which is loneliness and ostracization. It's like I'm still in the closet with this, but I hate feeling like I'm living a lie, I hate the inauthenticity I've been forced to put up front in order to keep the peace. Up until this past Sunday the only people who I've told were my wife and the pastor of the church.

I don't know why I'm sharing this, but on Sunday I had an interesting visit that may have opened up this can of worms for me. My daughter was sick so I stayed home with her and my two sons while my wife went to church. When she returned, a friend of hers from the church and her son came in with her, Bible's in hand and looking at me like I had a bulls-eye on my forehead. This lady is an extremely aggressive and evangelical woman (but very nice, I have no ill feelings towards her) and her son, who is also a good guy, went to seminary and has been a foreign missionary. The two of them along with my wife sat me down like it was some of intervention. I wanted to run away screaming, in fact I took a shower and then sat in the bathroom for a while before I consented to go out and talk to them (I was really pissed at being put in that situation). Anyway, a few weeks prior to this, this lady came over to our house to help my wife with some spring cleaning and she proceeded to tell me that while she was there she could feel a dark presence in my home and my wife agreed with her. They also informed me that my seven year old son's history of nightmares is evidence of this. This was superstitious bullshit at it's very finest (my wife and this lady are both from Mexico where superstition is an art form).

Basically, she proceeded to tell me that I wasn't doing my duties as a Godly husband to lead my family and this is why the presence is there. I mistakenly assumed that my wife told her about the atheism thing and so I unloaded both barrels and they were completely caught of guard. They thought I was a Christian man derelict in Christian duty, not an all out atheist and it screwed up their whole game plan of coming at me with the Bible and correcting me "in Christian love".

They both know that I know the Bible so they just closed it and seemed totally stunned by the whole thing. They really didn't know how to respond and they started saying that I was a lot more intellectual than them (I guess I talk over their heads) and that they couldn't answer my questions. Her son stated that he understood my view from an academic perspective, but that Christianity is a completely irrational faith (hey common ground!). They acknowledged that the only way I was going to come back was by a miracle of God and they committed to pray for me Why not sprinkle me with some invisible pixie dust while you're at it?

The lady also asked me to get rid of anything satanic that is in our house that might hurt my children spiritually. I couldn't figure out what the hell she was talking about, it's not like I have satanic Bibles and black robes lying around everywhere. Then I recalled that she rearranged my bookshelves when she was there previously and had seen all of my books about atheism, evolution, physics, neuroscience, etc. I think she was insinuating that I needed to get rid of that stuff as an act of sacrificial love for my family. WTF?

It was totally surreal and when it was over they commended me on my honesty and the fact that I am being authentic in my journey. When they left, my wife hugged me and pleaded with me not to be mad, she said they came on their own. Apparently, the lady felt "led by God" to come talk to me, which is hilarious to me that God directed her to me and then failed to give her the right words to speak to lead her to victory. No doubt they will chalk this one up to God doing this for their edification (to humble them perhaps?) and so God's will, as usual, will have been done to splendid results regardless of it's effect on me. I wasn't mad at that point (originally, yes, but I calmed down). I told my wife that it was okay and then we went about our business for the rest of the day like it never happened and she still doesn't want to talk about it.

But how should I feel about these people coming into my home and telling me that my beliefs are bringing in evil spirits? That it's hurting my kids and my wife? Regardless of all their backtracking and retreats, I have to assume that this is what they still think because in their eyes "atheist" and "Christian backslider" is a narrow distinction that still has the same dark spiritual effects on everyone around me. I suppose my wife still thinks this too and I don't know how to process that. I guess I should be pissed, but I'm not. In a weird way, I feel relieved that the radius of people at church who know I'm an atheist just got a little bigger.

I find it funny that Christians spend so much time lamenting about how persecuted they are. But Bible belt Christians know nothing of persecution.

Anyway, this may not have had any real point, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone ................. in theory.

I am, indeed. In the three years of using that username I think you're the first person who got it (the first to comment on it anyway).  I am a computer tech at a middle school.

I appreciate it. And yeah, I need to get out of the church, but I've been going for so many years that it feels like a conditioned response. I'd much rather have that time with my wife and kids to do our own thing, but there is no chance of getting them out of there right now. I'm pretty introverted so getting out into unfamiliar groups is difficult, but I probably will have to make contact with fellow atheists some time before I lose my mind.

Yes! I think a major part of the problem is that evangelicals tend to let other evangelicals do their thinking for them. When they want to know about evolution, for example, they don't go to Barnes and Noble and buy "The Greatest Show on Earth" and formulate their own response, they go to their local Christian bookstore and buy a book where a creationist tells them what evolution is about and why it's wrong. That way the Christian feels (falsely) confident that they understand and can respond to the theory intelligently. But I'm sure most of us here know that that isn't the case. Why listen to Dawkins when you can listen to banana man, right?

The same is true for atheism. They don't listen to atheists themselves, they listen to pastors and read books about the Christian response to atheism, but when they encounter the real deal, they are left wanting and they can't trust the almighty to speak through them, that's for damn sure. At least that's how it works in my neck of the woods. It's incredibly frustrating.

I think the church influence is much greater on my wife then I can ever be, unfortunately. Ultimately, it is God that is of supreme importance to her and from her perspective that's the only way it can be. From my perspective, it's just downright hurtful that an imaginary friend and his minions can exert such power over my own family. How can I contend with it?

We could do what some minorities do and any time someone simply goes "huh?" we can froth at the mouth and shout, "I'M SUING, I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR HATE SPEECH".

I actually haven't kept my current job because I do a good job. I keep it because of the fear believers have that atheists have no morals. If anyone questions me at work, I get a lip twitch, tilt my head and bulge my eyes, and give them piercing looks. HERE'S JOHNY! I mean, whose gonna fuck with someone who looks like they're gonna go postal?

(Note to self: Did I think that, or type it?)

Whaddya want to know, Brian37?

I saw the incompatibility, the hubris, the double standards... and the GREED... all at a relatively young age (10), and I TIRED of it... without even blinking an eye really!

I thought racism was only for Christians.

Oh stop!

People of all labels can and do, including atheists, confuse real bigots with people who simply don't understand.

My co-workers know I am an atheist, but they don't understand me and even to this day make stereotypical comments without realizing what they are saying.

What you don't know is MY PERSONAL HISTORY. Before meeting this "nigger" since some here want to accuse me of double standards and being a bigot........., I was pulled over by a CRACKER COP at a bar. I had just left it and hung out in the parking lot and was STUPID in hanging out talking to others CRACKER PEOPLE drinking in the parking lot. I warned them, without knowing at that moment, that the bar was a common target for cops, that they shouldn't drink in the parking lot. Less than a minute later cops swarmed the parking lot, three cars. The three I was talking to were arrested for drunk in public. I WAS ASKED TO STEP OUT OF MY CAR! I was lucky and passed his tests. But the entire time I was scared that I would be arrested. It scared me shitless.

SINCE THEN, years later, I HAD A CRACKER FRIEND who liked to smoke pot. I still to this day, refuse to judge anyone who does it. BUT, where I draw the line is when people mix either with driving. This CRACKER friend would smoke pot and drive to my house, and smoke pot at my house. My constant worry  was knowing what state he was in was "would he make it home".  The same worry with my "nigger" friend, since people want to accuse me of racism and double standards.No different than when people left my parties after drinking and no pot.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT" WHITE PEOPLE" or "NIGGERS"  "POT" OR "BEER"

This is strictly about ME and what risks I will and wont take, and the imposition others often put on others trying to drag you into the risks they take themselves.

Infidel Guy is BLACK, and I invited him to live with me. He turned me down, not because I am white, but because we have different living standards. He is a neat freak and I am not. But neither he or I would recommend getting into a car with someone who is under the influence.

You want to drink and drive, or smoke and drive, I won't stop being your friend, but I would be remiss for not calling you stupid for taking that risk. That has nothing to do with white or black.

Anyone who asks you to get into a car after they have been drinking or smoking pot is asking you to take legal risks with them. It is not the pot or the beer or the race. It is the false assumption that because you got away with it once, you always will.