coparenting with a theist............>.<
Offline Ok so this has been really bothering me for about 4 years now. I have 3 kids, the oldest of which has a different father than the others. Unfortunately her father is a fundi christian. Yes I know reproducing with him shows a serious lack of judgement on my part. However what's done is done and now I have the fallout to deal with. The issue really comes down to money, love and beliefs.
First I should make clear that he's an ass as I find most fundies are. He makes a lot more money than my husband and I. And he has my daughter most of the year while I only get her a couple months in the summer. As hard as all this is it's tolerable. What is not tolerable however is having to lie about my beliefs to avoid a custody battle that my family sadly can't afford. The constant questioning about how and when we pray and if we're going to church is driving me mad. Does anyone have any insight or suggestions as to how I might retain my sanity and integrity through this shit swamp?
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Who is asking these questions of you? Is it the father or the extended family? I wish there was an easy answer but sometimes you have to twist things to do whats best for your kids.
Your god's silence speaks loud and clear
It's her father that asks and he's extremely pushy about it. It really wasn't that big of an issue until she got to be about 3 and he started interrogating her.
How is it his business? You're free to believe or not believe as you see fit. This is going to need a little more clarification before anyone can really help.
You've obviously moved on with your life. You have a new husband now. Your oldest child's father has no right to interrogate anyone about your beliefs. If you're raising her to be an atheist as well, he should realize that she is your daughter too and that you can at least show her the other side of the religious coin.
But to be of any real help, we would need just a little bit more information about the situation. If you feel uncomfortable with that, I completely understand, but it's just hard to wrap my mind around what's going on based on what you've told us so far.
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=SnerdWilliams Independent Atheist Movement Forums
I believe you should think to yourself...
How far are you willing to go, to do what you feel is right for your child.
Once your figured out you limit, then we can give you some ideas on how to take care of your problem.
(also, what country/state/province etc, that'll help me figure out any legality)
What Would Kharn Do?
Yeah sorry it's a bit hard to describe. See if i tell him that I don't believe in his God or if he believes that I'm not raising her christian he will decide to try for full custody of her. I wouldnt be worried if I could afford to fly to the state that has juristiction and pay a lawyer. Unfortunately I don't have the funds and he does. He could screw me out of seeing her. So I've been lying and agreeing with him about the praying and whatnot so I can keep seeing her. If I do choose to fight him for custody I will do so at the expense of being able to provide a home and food for my younger kids. I don't know if I can explain any better. I just feel as though I'm forced to compromise my integrity to continue seeing my daughter at all. I wonder if anyone else has similar issues.
I'm thinking with that name of yours...CIA, NSA, incognito or an individual concerned with being discovered reading and posting atheist material
People who think there is something they refer to as god don't ask enough questions.
or shes living in a bible belt state, and its worried about her (and her childs) well being
What Would Kharn Do?
indeed
Unless you have demonstrated gross incompetence in the past, there is little chance that a family court judge will strip you of all parental rights. I have seen the following lead to what you fear: drug abuse, alcohol abuse, gross negligence, child endangerment, and a pattern of inattention.
As long as you haven't been warned of one of these in the past, you ought to be alright. Provide the child time to pray and discuss it with her. Also, provide an opportunity to go to some Unitarian church. Most fundies would rather see their child tied up in a basement than at a Unitarian church.
By providing opportunity for both activities, you set yourself up for an excellent pro se case.
(Edit: This advice is being given on a friendly basis. In no way does it indicate representation or the practice of law in another jurisdiction. Sorry, legally necessary caveat.)
"Tis better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven." -Lucifer
I have always done all of my legal stuff pro se simply because lawyers are WAY to expensive.
When I was filing for bankruptcy I was going to have to pay $1500 plus court costs and administrative fees to file. I did it myself by having a professional form completion service take my information and fill out all the appropriate forms.
In the end I saved $1350 and the bankruptcy court said the forms looked wonderful. A few months later I was given a discharge (a good thing).
If you are fairly smart and have some common sense then you can easily represent yourself pro se and do just fine. There are plenty of online resources to help you get all the information you need. In a lot of cases judges will be a bit more patient with pro se people because they know that you are not a lawyer.
And yes, the fundies would rather chain their kids to a wall than see them go to a unitarian church.
Your god's silence speaks loud and clear
Well, that seems a little broad. Filing for a bankruptcy is a little different than squaring off with an experienced trial attorney. I was providing a suggestion on how to deal with the worst case scenario. I would be remiss if I suggested that going at it pro se were a solid plan in all cases.
There is a reason we attend law school and take a bar examination. Saying that one should always go pro se is akin to saying that one can remove a splinter and the gall bladder with equal ease.
"Tis better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven." -Lucifer
'Twas but a suggestion. IANAL but I have had good luck with pro se. You are very correct in that there are many matters that should be handled by qualified licensed attorneys. If you are unsure of yourself and/or you don't think your story will convince the judge, hire an attorney.
If you have a pretty solid case such as "father wants full custody of child because of religious differences" and there are no other strings attached to that (IE no past problems), and you are confident that you can do all the necessary paperwork (!!!) then pro se might be an option to consider.
Attorneys are expensive. There is no getting around this. A custody battle will easily empty your pockets of $2,000 or more depending on the severity of the battle. There are not many people that can dish out two grand and still keep dinner on the table every night. I happen to be in that situation.
Again IANAL
Your god's silence speaks loud and clear
One last comment on this. If you join a prepaid legal group, you could at least find out through consultation whether your ex is a true threat. Prepaid legal groups cost $30/mo in many instances.
*Feels the flames of the law gods on his neck*
Gotta run!
"Tis better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven." -Lucifer
As a teenager, I'd like to add my 2 cents.
I really think the child should be shown more than just atheism and whatever sect of fundi-ism the father is, and then the child should be allowed to make the decision on her own when she gets older. I would almost guarentee that if you give her a choice, and show her several different religions, she will try other religions, probably her father's first, and will most likely stick with atheism. Without proper brainwashing, a child is, in my opinion, by default an atheist (generally speaking, I'm sure there are exceptions).
Maybe I'm of no help at all. I mean, I'm sure you don't want to put tension in the family, so that makes things harder. I just think that the father could at least allow his child a choice, and not an ultimatum (join my cult or go to Hell and burn for all of eternity).