I know I'm young but I'd like some advice for when I want to raise an atheist family...
Offline Ok, so I'm only 16 but I'm pretty much certain that when I turn 18, I'm getting married. I've been in the same relationship for over three years.
I really want to raise my children to be free-thinkers. I plan on bringing them up knowing that there is no god, to not believe bullshit that people will try to feed them, to know that being gay or bi is not wrong, to not celebrate any theist holidays. One problem: My mom and both of his parents are Christians [majorly!] who don't have the slightest clue that we don't worship god. I know this is going to be a problem sometime in the future.
We can probably get out of Easter [it'll be harder when the kids are younger and my mom or future in-laws want to take them easter-egg hunting] but I'm mostly concernedabout Christmas. I'll probably celebrate Halloween for fun anyway. XD
Sure we can substitue Winter Solstice for Christmas, make our own tradition of giving them gifts and such without a tree, Santa Claus, or bible stories, but it still worries me since our society is mainly Christian. I mean, what do I do if any of the grandparents ask us about what we are doing? What if they want the kids to attend church? I've always been overly tactful and careful... And also extremely worrisome. And, of course, children usually have big mouths so they might let something slip [I hate living in hiding] or ask something like "who is Jesus?" if the grandparents do Christian stuff.
This is something that you'd write to Dear Abby about and I guess [and hope] I'll get some pretty good responses. I'm sure some of you have been down this same path. Please and thank you.
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OK, I know this isnt what you asked for advice about, but I'd strongly advise against doing this. Marriage is a risky proposition at best overall, but at 18? IMHO, trust me, dont do it, give it a few more years at least. Being in a relationship for 3 years is nothing, but I know that's hard to see from where you're at.
Dont let it become a problem. Stick to your guns, and if any family members have a problem with it, that's their problem. Also, if you're not ready to tell your family you are an atheist, it's a bad idea to bring a child into the mix at this point. Again, simply my opinion.
You dont need to "get out" of easter if you dont want to. Simply use it as an occasion to get together with friends/family. My family is all christian, but at holidays we dont sit around talking about jesus. The whole religious thing never even comes up.
Again, if you're not ready, then why add a kid into the already complex situation? If you were an "in the closet" homosexual, and somehow you knew your 1st child would definitely be gay, how could you raise them, if you're not comfortable dealing with it from your own perspective?
You can familiarize them with jesus, just as you would santa claus. Giving them the information in the first place would head off some of those questions, yes? They could also "play along" to a degree, without you needing to worry that they were being indoctrinated. I went to seders a couple times as a christian kid, and it didnt make me a jew. It was just something other people did, so why not expose kids to many different traditions? Knowledge is power.
"The powerful have always created false images of the weak."
Don't get married at 18.
Once you get into post-secondary education, the whole world changes.
Sometimes you and your loved one can change together, sometimes you can't.
......sorry if this post sounds bossy. I'm speaking from personal experience.
I didn't get married, but I was supposed to at 18, we broke up 3 months into my education(he didn't want to go to college).
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One thing I'm wondering - from things you posted before I was under the impression you were gay. Not to offend, but that'll make it difficult to have kids - at least assuming you're in the US - obviously the "normal" way won't happen and prejudice prevets adoption.
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None taken, but I'm a bi female.
Well, he's 19 and in college. I recently dropped out of high school but I plan on working for my GED as soon as I can... Which will be soon.
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OK, that obviously makes it more likely.
*Goes into uninvited 'dad' mode* Get your ass back to school, and think about at least getting an associates degree afterwards. The world is a very tough place for those with only H.S. degrees or less, and is going to get tougher. Put the wedding bells on the back burner, believe me, it's not your top priority right now. (Dont mean to sound harsh, just trying to help)
"The powerful have always created false images of the weak."
If you really want to, have yourself a long engagement. That way you can still be highly commited, but not legally bound.
My fiancee is in his last year of an engineering degree, I'm on my first for Social Service Work. We're engaged now but plan to wait until I'm done school to tie the knot, that way we're on the same page, if that makes sense.
http://atheismisrational.blogspot.com/
I'm afraid I finally have to weigh in on this.
I know that as a person of 18 or 20, one feels like an adult and has the right to make adult decisions.
I'm a shining example of that because I married at 19 between my sophomore and junior years of college.
Without going into specifics (it lasted a very loooong 5 years), it was a huge mistake and probably cost me some great choices while I was married.
Thank goodness I finished school and got my college diploma. That has allowed me to have good jobs with a decent paycheck.
Not everyone is cut out for college, but please think about at least getting some kind of higher education. There are associate degrees and apprenticeships to learn a trade.
Look around at the jobs available to those with only a high school education and you'll see that many are barely scraping by.
You can't count on always having a husband's paycheck to pay the bills. Even if you are married, what if he gets sick or laid off or his job is sent offshore? I have friends whose husbands went without work for over a year and the women had to support their families while the husband looked for a job.
Sorry to rain on your parade ~ just my 2 cents worth.
I hope it all works out for you.
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Dabura, you seem very mature and intelligent - not just for being 16 but in general. I do not recall having the presence of mind to ask for advice at your age so, since you are asking I am hoping you will read the responses and consider them carefully.
I quit college after two years and then proceeded to stay in a relationship with someone I did not love for 18 years...because of children. It has been very frustrating to see others move ahead career-wise when I know they are no more intelligent than I am (sometimes less) but they have a piece of paper that I do not.
I can fully appreciate the depth of your feelings for this person, and I have known of one situation where a couple met at your age and have stayed together. It can work but the odds are against you. Plus, in that situation she did finish college prior to them getting married.
If you have not yet told your parents, you either have a deep respect for them or are terrified. In either case you need to come to terms with this before introducing children into the mix. This is much easier to do once you have developed autonomy from them and they see that you are able to take care of yourself financially and have earned their respect. The last thing you want to do is end up holding your children hostage from their grandparents due to religioius beliefs.
As far as holidays go...discuss it with your husband/SO and do as you see fit. You will probably be expected to attend family get togethers so feel free to educate your children on the rituals observed but how you as a family decide to celebrate is up to you.
My best advice is to take care of yourself first. It will make you a better mother, wife and child because it will give you the confidence you need. This advice was given to me by a good friend when I decided to leave my relationship and it is great advice regardless of age.Thanks all of you for replying. I've gotten pretty slow with logging on to here. The truth is, JCE and everyone else, I'm both terrified and I respect ther views. They hate atheists though. I really don't know if my mother needs any more disappointment from me... It's most of the time that we'll be having a good discussion and then here comes god into the subject. I just roll my eyes and scream inside my head. I'm so confused, I don't know how I'll ever be able to tell her.
myspace.com/miyao