Hi kaosgrl,

Welcome.

I'm so sorry you had to experience an abusive family and ex-husband. No child should have to go through any of that. You were a child and had no choice at the time. It's horrible that the authorities did not protect you.

It's rather ironic that you were treated so poorly, yet you have remnents of the religion from your childhood. You have already identified that you got through some of these situations by fantasizing about god's revenge on your brother. That was a child's way of coping when you were not physically able to remove yourself from the situation. "I can't make you stop, but oh boy you'll be sorry some day."

It wasn't god that got you through it. It was YOU, enduring and surviving.

You have a horrible ex-husband. It sounds as if you chose a version of your father, which unfortunately is common. If there were a protective or loving god like you believed as a child, do you think you would have been subjected to abuse?

Yet, YOU got away from him even though you were afraid god would punish you. God didn't remove you from the situation, YOU did. You obviously weren't punished - you were rewarded - because you are now married to a good man.

You have been lucky enough to find a good and intelligent man. If a god had brought you together, don't you think that god would have brought you a religious man, not one who has been divested of belief?

What little belief you might still have, from what I gather from your post, you've gotten a lot of crummy stuff in the past, but yet feel you derive comfort from that belief. That's a bit ironic.

You've had the guts to get help to try and get past your childhood and ex. Yes, that takes a lot of guts and you are doing it for yourself. You are questioning and learning. You are doing it for yourself. You are obviously still questioning the existence of a god. (Hence, the post here.)

Why do you feel that letting go of that last bit of belief will cause your world to crash down? If you look at your timeline, you'll see that the less you believed, the better your life became. You were no longer letting religion guide your decisions. You were able to leave an abusive husband and not make the same mistake a second time. That's a pretty darned good thing right there.

Your horses are not god's creatures. We are, however, in many cases their caregivers. I agree that critters of all kinds are a great source of comfort. (I've whimpered into cat fur many times!) That doesn't mean god made them. You'll see quite a few posts here on the forums attesting to the happiness animals can bring into our lives.

As for attempting to disprove a god, none of us can prove a negative. Why not turn the question around and ask, "How do I prove there IS a god?" Nature isn't proof. You've already started that quest by reading Dr. Dawkins.

Keep reading and learning. If you haven't already seen them, some Dr. Dawkins' talks are on video on the web. (Be sure to see the video when Dr. Dawkins came to the RRS a few months ago.) Join into the forums here at the RRS.

You are so close to believing in yourself and those around you instead of relying on an imaginary friend.

You are obviously a strong and intelligent person and I applaud you for making this journey.

it's good to get all the rambling, conflicting thoughts written down, it helps you sort them out.

you mention that you came to the conclusion that "all the religions just had it wrong."  the religions are the ones who came up with god.  so they're probably wrong about that too, right? 

Thank you for this post - you pointed out many things I had not thought of and for that I thank you.  My imaginary friend who can no longer exist with out my belief however does not

What a brave post that was! I wonder if you've thought about the fact that bravery is what is responsible for you being where you are in life, and that bravery is something that belief in god discourages.

Had you not been brave, you'd still be in a far worse place than you are now, but it is an act of pure bravery to risk eternal damnation by actually questioning the very existence of god, right?

If god were good, would he have set up a system so that everyone's eternal salvation or damnation was dependent on them believing in something that doesn't make sense? Why would god make people inquisitive by nature and then punish them for being logical enough to doubt his existence based on abundant evidence that we were not created the way the bible says?

Something else to consider: If you think about your time in abusive relationships, and compare it to the way that god supposedly rules over mankind, you might discover some shocking similarities.

Anyway, know that there are a lot of people here who are anxious to help you through any questions you might be asking.

Hambydammit,

Thank you. 

 I have done just that I was both shocked and frightened. I am searching for a book written by some one who dared to do a study on religious indocteration of children and abuse. 

I am in the middle of reading a very good book written by Judith Herman called " trauma and recovery "  which deals with the aftermath of abuse on a political social and demostic scale.

regards,