I have committed various actions in order to rid myself of the instilled dogma prefered by most westerners and what seems to be the world. At age 17, my Christianity Rebellion, if you will, truly began when I finally heard my youth pastor ask for the umpteeth time that he wanted to have a debate with my father. Mind you, he knew that my dad was a biology teacher at my local high school and that he was an "agnostic." I had so little doubt of my father's answer that one could call it faith. However, it wasn't my dad's answer or re-action to my pastor's desire to convert him (or whatever his true intentions were) that caused me to start completely doubting my "reason for existence;" it was the overwhelming realisation that I knew there was no way on earth my pastor would win such a battle. Instead of questioning my youth pastor, I started questioning myself. When it finally occurred to me that my doubting the very existence of God was considered a sin to my Christian community and that I no longer wanted be led along by blind faith. Or in other words, I realised that I could no longer live on bread alone--I needed facts and proof, not just stories and law. I had already heard enough bull from my god-fearing peers in school during science calss and from adult christians at any given time about how God ceated the world in only 6 days. This seemed utterly ridiculous to me and not just logically speaking, as they were inadvertantly claiming that they knew God's Time! No where in this book did it ever say God created the world in six 24 hour periods or six human days...All I could think was," Come on! Get with it. Don't just read your Bible, comprehend it; question it and ask God about it!"

Anyway, after lie after lie and mental abuse after mental abuse from my beloved Christians accumulated, I began my treck in shrugging off that old man I called Christianity. I burnt a New Testament Bible; I started reading up on various pagan beliefs including that of the Buddha and Krishna and Allah (yes, these were pagan according to my lost faith). I even tried my hand at practicing a few of them. I purposefully committed sins; I even flipped god off. However, I still acknowledged God's presence. The only occult practices that I fully took to heart were Thelema and the that of the Temple of Set (a type of satanism). From Celtic wicca to Shamanism to Ceremonial magicks and eastern meditation practices, combining those with Grey and Black magicks (those of Thelema and Satanism), I formulated my own system of meditation and ritualization. I incorporatd insence, drumming, aboriginal music, chanting, silence, candles, fire, water, earth, knives, strobe lights, black lights, make shift isolation tanks (sensory-deprivation), sense memory, pain, fasting by eating only certain foods. Everything was sacred and nothing was sacred. All was Holy and nothing at all became Holy. One Samhain night (Halloween), with the moon full and white as white can be and stars as deep as the city lights would allow, I donned my black robe, my white chorded belt and red chorded belt, lit my candles acknowledging my intent and the candles' flames with a simple bow of my head. I lit my insence in the same manner and turned on my cd palyer with my aboriginal music cd inside. I stood there, breathing slowly, softly and with focussed intent. My breathing steadily became deeper and much more forceful...so much so that my vocal chords involantarily OMed. I was in that "dream journey;" I was on my way to find that flaming sword blocking me to the Garden of Eden. What was the point to life? Not just my life, but LIFE! It makes no sense. Then out of nowere, it was like I was ripped through time and space, through light, through my own DNA. Double helix after Double helix after serpents and coils all lit up and manifested around me and in me. This was Life itself. Then there was silence, but still, with a sound like a hum, and I was a star in a galaxy of light and darkness. And then in a flash I was pulled into a similar place, but this place kept growing smaller and smaller and there was a strange but familiar sound "V-V-V-V-V." And then it dawned on me....That noise was in fact two heart beats! My mother's and my own. I woke from this dream on my knees and crying. I saw my generations...I saw me. This has kept me complete and I still have no knowledge of any one God other than what others have told me about "God." Go figure. I am an atheist in awe. I am an atheist who worships. I believe in truth and light, love and life. I believe in the god in each of us; but most importantly, I believe in the god in me.

"God the Fodder"

If I had wings made of mud

they'd never let me live it down.

In silence I'd wait like the squeaky wheel I'm not

and I'd bare out my heart

like it was me they nailed to the cross

because of my androgyny and love

I lie in contempt of you for you

and wrap up myself with these wings of mud.

I am but sod and [GOD] is fodder;

I'll never let me live it down

because of my Father.