Smartie Pants
Offline I've seen this before, but still find it funny. I was thinking all the Smart Folk in here could maybe add some to the list? I'll give it a try, too...xox
Here is the Washington Post's MENSA Invitational, which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
I thought 15 in particular was quite funny for this here forum.
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I think the credit for "Frisbeetarianism" goes to Carlin, actually.
Still a pretty punny list.
-Triften
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
1. Chumility (n) – The rare quality of simultaneously being religious, humble, and friendly.
2. Charape (v) – The act of rape with out penetration.
3. Farst (n) – A fart that quickly disappears down wind.
4. Shampion (n) - A person that sells shamwows. See Vince Offer.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
MySpace
-- 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
That was pure gold
What Would Kharn Do?
Religion abounds with alternate semantics which make as much, if not more, sense than the vernacular use of the terms in question:
Protestant (n): A believer in experimentation.
Methodist (n): Assistant to the above.
Catholic (n): A believer that all truth emanates from a feline anus.
Unitarianism (n): A blonde muscular master race restricted to one member.
Hindu (n): Chicken-shit in Scotland, a believer in the same.
Baptist (n): (UK) A believer in large soft fattish bread rolls.
Jew (n): A temporary religion caused by condensation on exposed surfaces in early morning sunlight.
Buddhist (n): A believer in crap beer.
Muslim (n): An expressed belief of fat people the world over.
Shinto (n): An absolute belief in the spirituality of the lower leg area.
Pentecostalist (n): An adherent of the notion that Gary Gabrel's famous board game is retailed at way too high a price.
Bahai (n): A religion in which one begrudgingly (or sheepishly) greets others.
Sikh (v): One looking for a religion.
Shi'ite (n): A common expression used to describe all religions.
Lutheran (n): (UK) A person who believes in the theory that a public toilet should always be available.
Adventist (n): A religious believer who believes in shouting about his problematic delusions.
Seventh-Day Adventist (n): An extreme form of the above who is hoarse for six days as a result.
Calvinism (n): A belief system based on the wish that Californian wine was French.
Evangelicism (n): A belief that salvation lies in following an angel called Evan.
Sunni (n): A follower of Ra on a cloudless day.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
erated (adj) the state of being angered and pleased at the same time
Angeler (n) Someone who believes that heaven is populated by deep-sea fish
Procrashtination (n) The act of rear-ending another car because you couldn't be bothered to take your foot off the gas pedal
"Physical reality” isn’t some arbitrary demarcation. It is defined in terms of what we can systematically investigate, directly or not, by means of our senses. It is preposterous to assert that the process of systematic scientific reasoning arbitrarily excludes “non-physical explanations” because the very notion of “non-physical explanation” is contradictory.
-Me
Books about atheism
The technique of blowing really hard and fast to remove dust and foreign objects from sweets that have fallen on the floor.
no
Plagiarism. This is from a Far Side comic. The list is funny, but this one bugged me.
"You say that it is your custom to burn widows. Very well. We also have a custom: when men burn a woman alive, we tie a rope around their necks and we hang them. Build your funeral pyre; beside it, my carpenters will build a gallows. You may follow your custom. And then we will follow ours."
British General Charles Napier while in India