This from Fox News:

"A new survey has shockingly revealed that American Christians are up to 700 percent more likely to suffer from offensive foot odor than atheists. The report, commissioned by Dr Scholls and carried out by the Massachusetts Institute of Medicine, was compiled from checking the admissions records from over three thousand foot clinics in the USA. Patients with Pedolfactory Imbuensis, the medical name for what the rest of us call 'smelly feet', were classified by age, sex , ethnicity and religion, and it was in the last category where the biggest shock lay.

The somewhat appropriately named Dr Li Pong, who supervised the report's findings, said "At first we thought we were looking at a program malfunction and sent the figures back to te statistics team twice. But each time they came back with the same result. Of the nearly 5 million patients a whopping 4 million, give or take the odd Pentacostal, were Christian. Of the remaining million over 970,000 professed a faith in another deity, and of the 30,000 who had put in "no religion" on their admission forms, there were only 5 who had filled in the extra "No really, I swear" category which makes them officially atheist."

We asked the Catholic bishop of Philadelphia, Ngwua Obakami, was he in any way surprised by the Dr Scholls Report. "Not only surprised," he told us, "but also very disappointed. Our Lord himself was so particular about foot hygiene, as the Bible tells us, so it is incredibly disheartening to read that so many of his faithful have disregarded his teachings in this respect."

Dr Pong, who is now conducting a similar survey into underwear skid marks for the Calvin Klein Institute of Dermatology and Elasticated Garments, has said that equally dispiriting information regarding Christian hygiene is being revealed there too. "It's early days yet," he advised us cautiously, "but it seems the Seventh Day Adventists and others who do a lot of hopping up and down are coming out very badly yet again." Bishop Obakami was equally cautious when asked to comment. "As far as we know Jesus didn't use underpants at all," he advised us, "so the church has no absolute theological position on their condition. But we all should still remember Our Lord's own advice regarding the issue. 'Remember the lily in the field, bloody handy if there's no toilet roll left.'"

The Dr Scholls Report will be released officially next Tuesday at a reception in its Clifton Ohio HQ. No Christians need attend as the air conditioning isn't the best, a spokeswoman told us."