The female hunt
Offline This was an advertisement I recently had posted on facebook and other similar type community apps to my friends in my efforts to find an appropriate woman. People seem to laugh at the expense of my honesty so I figured I'd try here.
I'm a single dad, I like getting into arguments, I don't have a car, I don't even drive, I reject all gods and would like you to too, I love technology, I spend a lot of time on my computers, I'm not romantic in the slightest, My kid is better than you, I like to hang out with friends too, I have a very small amount of free time, I'm sarcastic, I'm logical, I procrastinate a lot, I can be a total ass when I'm angry, I have an insane fear of heights, I flirt with random women and don't realize it, I talk a lot about myself, I like my meat and potatoes, I'm overweight and out of shape, I enjoy video games, I snore like a mofo, I'm not creative, I don't understand a lot of art, I don't get a lot of poetry, I rationalize emotions, I turn off my emotions when I'm upset, I am bad at cleaning, I'm always behind on my laundry, and if I'm staying in for the day sometimes I don't shower.
Is there any chance you're interested?
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Is your name Dave? I think you might be my ex-husband.
It's not Dave, but Dave sounds like one sexy individual. Reow.
Perhaps you should try to concentrate on the good things and not the bad. It isn't the best advertisement in the world.
(Edited for slight drunkenness)
Atheist Books
Perhaps the purpose got lost...and explaining it will ruin it...
I'm actually quite content being single. This was done with nothing other than comedy in mind. I actually think very highly of myself. I find that self degredation is one of the safest forms of comedy, and my hope was that this was just ludicrous enough to be funny.
If you read deeply into it, you can find something good.
Honesty
No, no need to explain. I got it - it was very, very funny! It just sounded like an excellent summary of nearly every man I have ever been attracted to...and now I am a little disturbed by what that might mean.
I need to write a singles ad for myself - perhaps I should hire you to write it. You sound like almost as big of a wise ass as I am. LOL
I knew you got it, but he wasn't the first person to assume it was serious so figured I'd get my disclaimer up =P
Singles ad eh...how YOU doin'? /wink
Yeah, singles ad...looking for someone that has a car. The other stuff I can live with - LOL!!
gdi...
in my defence...i work from home, and we have a monorail system here to get into vancouver that's a ton faster than driving...i get my grocheries delivered to my door as well as most everything...i'd only use a car once every week or two even if i did have one =P
You know, there is one single four letter word you could insert that would make a lot of women look right past everything else you wrote and want to date you.....RICH!
http://arlettaq.spaces.live.com
but then i'd have to add liar to the list too...and that's 1 too many =P
It's good when you're comfortable being single. I get to that point from time to time. *Sigh*. Life would be so much simpler.
Atheist Books
You live in Vancouver, BC, right? Same here.
LOL....did...did you just call the Skytrain a monorail!?
That makes it sound so classy.*dies laughing*
Yeah, bit outside of there...New West to be specific.
And yeah...it's the only way to get them people to the south to understand what I'm talking about. =p
Besides, evertime I hear or say the word monorail I get the simpsons episode and song in my head...and that's like...bonus fun.
Oh!! You have a job! You are right - you are not my ex.
I hear vancouver is nice this time of year -
I want a monorail - I HATE driving!! Actually, that is not entirely true. I just hate the way everyone else drives. Idiots.
Thank you for establishing that I am not your ex. I would have been very dissapointed if I was shackin' up with a georgeous woman and had no recollection of it...and then blew it!
And it's fabulous up here all times of the year! Assuming you like the rain. If not, the summers are still good =P
Cool, I have buddies who live in New West.
"I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!"
Awwww....why do all the good ones live in Canada? I like rain - well as long as I don't have to go out in it. We don't have to, right?
Fucking midwest US is an intellectual desert. Apparently I need to be a little more specific as to what "intellectual conversation" means in my ad.
Naw, we can stay in
I don't know much about the midwest. I want to make inbreeding jokes but I'm not sure if I've got my geography right and I'm too lazy too look at a map.
I love BC. Mountains, ocean, forests, good economy, lots of jobs, great hi-tech industry, and that's without getting into the political aspects of Canada.
Thanks a lot! LOL.
LOL...the words I'm picking up from this site! Hi-larious!
:^)
-HCG
There's always the Northeast, too, Jce - it's like Canada, Jr.
Maine is especially nice this time of year, although I'm partial to my home state of Massamachusetts.
Sax-a-ma-phone......sax-a-ma-phone....
"Like Fingerpainting 101, gimme no credit for having class; one thumb on the pulse of the nation, one thumb in your girlfriend's ass; written on, written off, some calling me a joke, I don't think that I'm a sellout but I do enjoy Coke."
-BHG
Yes, jce. Most men in the Midwest seem to think intellectual conversation begins with "How 'bout them Chiefs" or "I shot 5 over par today, but the sandtraps were hell" or "I only had time to work out for an hour today". Of course, there is the everpresent "Gimme nuther beer."
Not that there's anything wrong with the above subject matter (other than how boring it is). It's just that those examples are pretty much the entire span of "intellectual" conversation.
BGH, please note that I said most men in the Midwest, not all men.
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Are you people honestly implying that if I went down there I'd have a good chance at hooking up with an intellectual woman? Because, not being a sexy beast that talks about working out for only an hour today seems to really limit my opportunities here!
It sounds like I should sacrifice myself to the intellectual desert just so I can hit on all you ladies instead of just flirting over message boards!
I'm looking for a smart women, but in high school they seem few and far between. I'm hoping to find one in college, but my area of study will most likely mean the woman will have her pick. Damn statistics... With my luck the first girl out of the lot I get to go out with me will be fundy or something.
The easiest way out of that one, Void, is to just hire prostitutes.
My very cynical father tried to teach me growing up that they're cheaper than girlfriends or wives over the long term anyways. Besides, if you don't like them, you can always kick them out of your dorm.
Rich Vos pointed out that if you date a homeless woman, you can drop her off anywhere once the date's over.
Just a couple of suggestions. Or you could luck out like I did, meeting back to back an atheist and then an agnostic.
"Like Fingerpainting 101, gimme no credit for having class; one thumb on the pulse of the nation, one thumb in your girlfriend's ass; written on, written off, some calling me a joke, I don't think that I'm a sellout but I do enjoy Coke."
-BHG
"I've sold monorails to Ogdenville, Brockway and North Haverbrook and it sure put them on the map!"
Atheist Books
Thank you, Susan!! That was exactly what I meant. Golf (puke) seems to be their holiest of holy conversations and don't even try to point out that it is merely a past-time on par with bowling.
No, BGH, this does not apply to you. However, I am a little ticked that your fiancee appears to have snagged the last good one from around here. I may have to move to Canada.
I've always got a spare room for a gorgeous lady
Hey! You Missourians ain't the only Midwesterners around here. I'll have you know that I know at least 2 people up here in Chicago that don't golf. And 3 or 4 others that I'm sure of that can have intellectual conversations. I will now stab myself in the ear with an icepick.
"The powerful have always created false images of the weak."
Ouch. Why?
LOL, it's just a joke. Exaggerating the level of frustration caused by the preponderance of idiots in America's heartland.
"The powerful have always created false images of the weak."
This female also finds your ad appealing:
She is my newest addition! Her name is LuLu and she is a miniature daschund rescued from a breeder. She won me over when she whispered in my ear that she would love to sit in my lap for hours as I read the posts on the RRS site since she is an atheist too. She also promised to get along with my cats! (Both kitties are a little leary of her since she is smaller than both of them - my big boy, Kiwi, thinks she has the longest nose he has ever seen on a cat!)
Here are the boys for those who have not seen them:
Tobey:
{Edit - Kiwi's picture has been removed until his mother figures out how to use a computer.}
Aww, I like felines.
I don't so much like kanines but she's small and rather pleasant looking.
Atheist Books
Talk about bringing home a dog!
I like dogs, generally prefer ther medium sized ones over the samll ones, but dogs are okay. Cats are great though. I'm a fan. Kind of glad to not have any pets though for the time being though. I was very sad after my great friend Oscar left and never returned.
Oh, btw, Kiwi sent me a message. He said "ohh no! I'm very pixilated! Things get stuck to my square edges! Ohz noz!"
Jacob - LuLu says thank you! I prefer felines too, but here is the best part: she is trained to go potty inside! (Really, I think Kiwi is right - she is a cat with a very long nose.)
Kiwi's mom has no idea how to fix that problem! I loaded the pic into photobucket and resized it just like the others, but his kept coming out bigger (probably his ego coming thru) so I changed the dimensions manually to match the others. Do you know a better way to fix it? (I am a technotard.)
I never thought I would have a dog smaller than a cat, but she is so sweet I could not resist. Plus there is the bonus of watching her run around corners - her long body and short legs just don't corner well!
The source image that you uploaded was 100x68 and when you post an image on here it lets you set the size of the image. It was set to about 3x that...so that's where the pixilation comes from. The source image that was uploaded to photobucket needs to be a higher resolution version if you want to keep the size that you showed on here and not get the pixils showing up.
What makes me REALLY want to puke is that so many business deals are struck on the golf course and effectively keeping women out of the loop.
And what else makes me REALLY want to puke is that after a round of golf, everyone else has to hear about it stroke by stroke by stroke.
What is it with men and sports? Does this harken back to the gladiators and proving I'm-stronger-than-you? Quite honestly, who cares?
I'd much rather chat with someone at the theater after a thought provoking play about social issues. That's exactly the kind of stuff we do at the theater where I help out. (e.g. The Exonerated and Permanent Collection and Pillowman and [for reasons that some of you might know] Bat Boy: The Musical )
That's one reason I enjoy my time here on the forums. Most of the people - not just the guys - are pretty darned intelligent.
Oops. I'll stop my rant now.
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Congratulations on your new baby!
Lulu looks like a doll!
I don't gold, but I sure do hear a lot about it as well.
Sports is an interesting way to for groups of people to come together. I enjoy getting together for a hockey game because it's a reason for people socialize.
I would much prefer going to a play or a musical but the reality of the situation is that not many people enjoy those things, and even fewer would actually pay the high price to go to a professional type showing.
I'll tell you what Susan, if you're ever in town we'll hit up a show together. I'm always looking for someone to come with me and I honestly don't have a single friend that is ever willing to.
Thanks for the offer! I'll keep it in mind.
As for the "high price" of professional theater, that's not necessarily true!
Yes, we have some of that here, although that particular theater isn't my favorite because they do plays that appeal to the older crowd. I hear tell that they're trying to market to the 20 and 30 somethings now because their subscriber base is literally starting to die off.
Our theater is, in fact, a professional Equity theater. We do regional premiers, brand new works and plays that have just become available. We rarely do anything that's been around awhile.
We do seven shows a season and the highest price for a season ticket is $180. Single ticket highest price is $28. Lowest price is $18.
And since we (currently) have 150 seats, there's not a bad seat in the house.
The best part is that regardless of the show, you can't leave without having something to mull over and discuss!
Sorry - I get carried away because I love this theater SO much and really believe in what we do. The people that work there are brilliant and I'm so proud to be involved. Hence, I tend to go on and on.
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I admit to being a bit theater ignorant. I've historically been more of an orchestra and musical fan. I love catching the big shows done by great groups rather than the big shows done by average or amateur groups. I don't know, a bit of a snob I guess. It's been awhile though.
I've never really given theater a chance to be honest. I don't know anyone my age that likes going to the theater or to musicals / ochestra...it's a real pain in the butt...but it's good evidence that they aren't hitting the lower age market. I'm far from 20 but they still aren't hitting my age group.
I just thought I should reveal some shocking news.
Since posting this advertisement I have not had a single date! omg! This honest and noble display of self evaluation should have sent a parade of beutiful women my way, but nothing. Thus i have deemed that this is because I am an atheist and God is upset with me.
So I wish to appease God so that it will provide me with a female companion. I will now pray to one god every night until one is provided for me. Whomever I prayed to prior to finding said companion I will deem the one true God.
I will name this project...Dieu du Jour!
Hmm as I'm writing this I'm actually kinda liking the premise of Dieu du Jour...I might have to put something together based on that...hmmm...yeah...i like it...dieudujour.com...coming soon to a theatre near you =P
I am sorry to hear you have angered the gods. They can be quite vengeful, no?
Will you share your list of Dieu du Jour? I fear they are pissed at me too and they are cursing me with wrinkles and pimples at the same time. These plagues must stop. I was planning to worship Estee Lauder, but that might not cut it so I better get a few others in there just to cover my bases.
I will absolutely share it.
I've been wanting to do a comic strip or something like that for some time now. And I think I will use this as the name for it. I do smell a website coming on though with that comic strip as well as other content...actual content and humerous purpose. I had actually picked up the primary 3 domains just on the sound of it being a worthy thought.
I just need to come up with some entertaining ideas, some content, the time to build the original incarnation of it. This'll go somewhere though for sure...unfortunatly I don't do overly serious websites. I'll leave that to the RSS. I'll have to develop this Dieu du Jour idea some more.
Want to help? Got any ideas that would fit into the Dieu du Jour concept? There's got to be at least a couple thousand gods out there that should account for a couple years worth of new gods per day =P
I need to seriously meditate on this.
Pissing and moaning about the lack of intelectuals in the Midwest?? Puh-leeze! I grew up in KC and thought the same...then I moved to North Carolina. The South is even worse, folks. I run a sports bar. I have 38 regular tvs and 4 big screens. On football Sunday I always have some hillbillie pissed off because I have the nerve of showing football on all 4 big screens and only having the race on 6 little tvs. I almost got my ass kicked when I made fun of Ernhardt (the dead one) a bit too loudly. I had protest letters go to corporate when I took Nattie Light off special and replaced it with PBR (almost $15 per keg cheaper). In the Midwest if you say something stupid, someone will look at you and say, "That's stupid" or "You're an idiot". Around here they say "That's nice" and then tell everyone else that you're stupid the moment you walk away. I just had a 23 year old woman apply for a server position and she was missing 4 teeth!! And from her weight, it probably wasn't due to meth. (Quick interview tip...when I have to wipe your spit off the interview guide, you are probably not going to get the job.) They sell chicken feet in the grocery store. Do you know what fatback is?? You don't have to go to a specialty store to get chittlins. I have seen Brains and Eggs on a menu...only once, mind you, I never went back.
"When you hit your thumb with a hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a special kind of atheist to jump up and down shout, 'Oh, random fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!'"-Terry Pratchett
Oh, IzzyPop, dahlin'! That is the saddest tale I have I have evah heard!! Truly, I think you win. Wow. Spit on the interview guide. Here I have been thinking the big debate was pantyhose or no pantyhose on an interview. Who knew?
Tarpan - yes I will help as much as I can. I am not real creative but I would like to see some Garfield type deity that I can try to appease to keep my cats from projectile vomiting when they get mad at me.
Didn't they have a couple of those in egypt?
Yeah, but they suck because they aren't working.